Wait, what's this North/South crap?? Lemme show you how it's done west of the Mississippi, kids...
Women's Accessories NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
WEST: Flattering sorority sweater, a mixed drink in hand. Makeup not necessary--women here have natural beauty. :)
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
WEST: College football stadiums hold 30,000 people, but expect it to be half full if it's the opening day of deer season (or if one lives in the state of Utah, it's LDS General Conference weekend). Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
WEST: Expect their daughters not to date BYU fans.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
WEST: Statues of Steamboat
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
WEST: Also tailgating with us all night on Friday.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
WEST: Dick Cheney.
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
WEST: Buy a season ticket in July.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
WEST: Students drop a sack and show up to class on Monday because they've actually recovered on Sunday.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
WEST: Duck out of work early on Friday afternoon, head to the parking lot with the RVs and camp out. We would show up earlier, but some of us actually work for a living.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
WEST: Every student has a beer for breakfast every day. And we wonder why ESPN won't nut up and broadcast Gameday west of the Mississippi River more than 3 times in it's history.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
WEST: Wake up from drinking all night, have a few more beers, make some steak and eggs, wash it down with some beer, and play some AC/DC, because the Dave Matthews Band sucks.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
WEST: Go west til you smell it, go south until you dang near step in it---oh, wait that's how to get to Provo, sorry about that.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WEST: It depends. At Nevada or UNLV, it's a plastic cup full of delicious Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. At BYU, it's caffiene free Coke.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
WEST: Rise, remove our caps, and occasionally throw out a "Yeeee haw!" before "the home of the brave.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
WEST: Cold wind, with a touch of snow flurries.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
WEST: "1, 2, 3, Utah, FIRST DOWN!"
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
WEST: "You did buy condoms, right?
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
WEST: Elderly and myopic--exception: Dave Walsh, the play-by-play voice of the University of Wyoming.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
WEST: Off to the The Pie, or the Li'l Waldorf Saloon, for more libations--or if you just left Lavell Edwards Stadium, off to the BYU Creamery *Giggle*.
Memo to the south: We do play football out here.
LOL!! Well said.
Mow there is something I can get on board with. My absolute favorite beer.
