Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
I once met a teenaged boy who was slashing his arms and legs with knives and blades. He had a mother just like the one in this story. He hated himself because his mother always hated him too. His mother did have her tubes tied when he was born.
Not long ago, I got a phone call from a neighbor lady, and she said that her cow was trying to kill her calf, and then she said she was sending that cow to the slaughterhouse, and do you want some meat? She said that this was not going to happen on her property.
Someone who loves the baby should have him.. Not even a calf should have to suffer from a mother who hates him.
And you see this witch because you're a masochist? I hope you keep your own children far from her poisonous personality.
"At times I was so exhausted I felt suicidal."
When we had premie twins and a 3-year old (and me starting a business on my own) that was how my wife and I felt. Except we only admitted it to each other much later! I'm wishing now we had been more honest and open about it at the time. Although our kids were always loved and cared for - its a struggle sometimes - especialy holding two of them while bouncing on the big ball in the living room for hours at a time to keep them comforted!
I think it is a fine line between our darkest thoughts and our actions - but thankfully I think that line is pretty strong in MOST of us.
Perhaps sick, but Absolute Scum.
I do not think I have ever been so saddned and angree after reading a thread on FR.
She called the baby a "Block of Concrete" She is an eeffing B Word and an effing C Word.
Daddy has to come home and that the kid before that bitch tosses her "block of concrete" into a bathtub of hot car.
I bet the husband talked her out of an abortion.
"my baby resembles a block of concrete at my feet"
This woman is a psychopath.
The problem of course, is that to make a baby only requires a physical maturity, whereas to be a parent requires a physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual maturity.
Hi... I second your earlier comments. This reminds me of my daughter in some ways... she had a son , but never wanted to be a parent... she is unmarried and even though my DH and I have given her tons of support including car, money and buying a small house for her to live in rent free and having her and the baby live with us for the first two years she has never bonded with the boy. She has now moved into the house we bought but my darling grandson is still living with us. We are older and its been hard but he gets lots of love here. I am disgusted that my daughter has turned out like this! I was much younger than her with two small children and far from home... and even on days I really didn't feel like being a mom I kept it to myself and soldiered through... I think society has made it okay to be so selfish... and thats what these women are... although the woman who wrote dear abbey sounds like a real nutcase and I hope somebody intervenes on her ass...it seems so common these days to hear that people can't cope with their situations... seems like civilization is falling apart.
I am partly to blame for DD because I have and do spoil her but she is not displaying the values she was raised with ... she obviously learned to WHINE on the streets! Oh and BTW... DD is pregnant again but still unmarried ... we will probably get that one too... then we will have to move to the north pole to escape her irresponsible reproducing .... pitty the ones born after that because she has turned into someone I don't know anymore.
WHEW!!! What a rant!!! Guess I needed to vent and this thread brought it out!
Anyway, I think there should be serious shame for this behavior and a long visit to the mental hospital... Back in the day this woman , and people like my DD (damn daughter) would be ostrasized... this behavior is far too common.
MRSX
Poll: Is this from the boys at Harvard,,Yale or MIT????
she forgot to mention that she's also a MoveOn.org employee. i hope the child makes it out of that family.
You are not alone in your frustrations - and you are blessed that still you have love for your daughter. That is good, the kind of love that acknowledges imperfection.
I am reminded of Proverbs 22:6: "Raise up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it". Well, it mentions the good young child, and it says when they are OLD, they will not depart from the way - but it leaves out everything in-between! I guess God knows that as adults we frequently lose their way. But somehow, when we are older, we manage to find our way back to that familiar, narrow Path that our parents led us down, all those years ago...
Never forget that your daughter is still here, and that means God is not done with her yet. Whatever may befall, she is not yet become what she was called to be - but God is still not giving up on the child He gave to you in love.
You are the mother this adult child was meant to have, because you are the one who will guide her with love and strength to the light. God entrusted her to you, for He knew that your conviction and strength would be needed by this frail and bendable person
You do not see it yet, but already there is a change coming, one inside, where she keeps it hidden from all but herself, deep in the night. The seed is planted, and God will watch it grow...
Ahhh - I say the husband should take the baby and leave the un-mother...doesn't sound like post-p - she never wanted a baby in the first place...
> I am 55 and my mother still tells me she didn't want me, certainly not another winter baby, and most certainly NOT ANOTHER GIRL. I hear this every time I see her.
On this basis your mother deserves to end her days a lonely and sad miserable old woman, alone. I marvel that you go see her at all.
Crikey! There's some love in your heart that makes you put up with that kind of abuse that gives me hope for the future of our species. Whatever it is and wherever it comes from within you, Goodonya -- they ought to bottle it and sell it by prescription.
Thanks for your positive insight. I am sticking with her... I couldn't do anything else! I am blessed that we are able to do all that we have helping her and being healthy enough to raise our little Joe. I know one day she will regret what she is missing so carelessly now. I am praying for the baby in the article tonight and all the other unwanted children out there ... I wish I could bring them all home with me. It is just such a crying shame, who could hate a beautiful little girl? I don't want to judge... it seems like so many young people shirk any kind of responsibility these days and when babies are involved its so hard to accept.
Thanks again for your kindness regarding my personal situation :-)
I've worked in publishing. Most letters like this are cooked—either composites or made up out of whole cloth. It's not just that editors are liars, it's that they want a story people will read instead of Ann Coulter's column. So you can't take the details literally. The question before the staff at Dear Abby's editorial meeting was, "What's the most outrageous column we can write about colic?" And they did their best.
That said, bottle-feeding (as opposed to breast-feeding) definitely makes colic worse, and makes maternal bonding more difficult. Colic is a monster.
so we have a 26 year old woman with a husband in the military for 7 months with a baby girl less then one year old...
jeeze get me access to the databases and i will write the friggen query for them, cant be that many people to check...
of course assuming it is true....
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