Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
Apology accepted. Thanks for being big enough to issue one.
Hey, Wolfie, I'm with you. People who do not want children should not have children.
This dame should have had a hysterectomy to make sure it never happened. (Tying tubes still leaves room for error).
The jerk of a husband, knowing his wife and her attitude towards kids, should have signed the adoption papers.
With all the childless couples who strongly desire to have a little one, surely this unfortunate babe can be placed in a home where she is not only wanted, but where she will become an absolute joy to loving parents.
con·de·scend (knd-snd)
intr.v. con·de·scend·ed, con·de·scend·ing, con·de·scends
1. To descend to the level of one considered inferior; lower oneself. See Synonyms at stoop1.
2. To deal with people in a patronizingly superior manner.
Nobody did any such thing, intended or not. But enough of this discussion. Life is too short.
Thanks, Palladin. Sometimes I really feel like I'm swimming upstream without a paddle. Thanks for letting me know otherwise. :)
Aquinas, dear, you are speaking only to traditional Catholics. Unfortunately, the rest of society rejects these very high standards for a valid marriage.
If more of our young people would get on board with these high standards, we wouldn't have a 50% divorce rate, and so many battered and abused kids.
You got your parting shot in, now have a nice day.
same meaning for Jonathan. and yes, about the time i was sixteen, i was telling people i was "God's gift"
Nor can I. I can understand the tiredness, the frustration, the stress, the sadness, even the anger at her husband for not being there, but resentment, detachment and revulsion, aimed at an innocent infant, her own flesh and blood...these are beyond my comprehension.
Perhaps. Not sure on the laws and they vary from state to state. She does have the option of putting the child in foster care. Not the best option, but the child can't possibly be thriving with a mother who has such an attitude, and could realistically be at risk of serious harm. With the child in foster care, Mom would have the option of regrouping, getting some counseling and deciding she wanted to be a mother after all and, if not, hubby would have the option of putting some action behind his insistance on keeping the child. One of two things would likely happen with the parents. 1, they'd go back to being all about themselves and give the child up, either willingly or by default (likely, from the sounds of it and based on my experience), or 2, Their conscience would get the better of them and they'd realize how selfish they were being and work at getting her back (much less likely given their apparent absence of values) . In any event, it would force them to commit one way or the other. Mom would be on the child abuse registry for abandonment for a period of time, but wouldn't face criminal charges.
On the other hand, Dad could tell Mom to take a hike and do whatever he needed to do to get his daughter back. If he really wants her (I'm not willing to accept, based simply on the words of his obviously disturbed wife, that he also can't stand his child), he is not going to allow the selfishness of his wife to stand in the way. I don't look for this marriage to last anyway. If there was truly love in the marriage, wouldn't they both cherish the fruit of that love?
Perhaps. Not sure on the laws and they vary from state to state. She does have the option of putting the child in foster care. Not the best option, but the child can't possibly be thriving with a mother who has such an attitude, and could realistically be at risk of serious harm. With the child in foster care, Mom would have the option of regrouping, getting some counseling and deciding she wanted to be a mother after all and, if not, hubby would have the option of putting some action behind his insistance on keeping the child. One of two things would likely happen with the parents. 1, they'd go back to being all about themselves and give the child up, either willingly or by default (likely, from the sounds of it and based on my experience), or 2, Their conscience would get the better of them and they'd realize how selfish they were being and work at getting her back (much less likely given their apparent absence of values) . In any event, it would force them to commit one way or the other. Mom would be on the child abuse registry for abandonment for a period of time, but wouldn't face criminal charges.
On the other hand, Dad could tell Mom to take a hike and do whatever he needed to do to get his daughter back. If he really wants her (I'm not willing to accept, based simply on the words of his obviously disturbed wife, that he also can't stand his child), he is not going to allow the selfishness of his wife to stand in the way. I don't look for this marriage to last anyway. If there was truly love in the marriage, wouldn't they both cherish the fruit of that love?
Yeah, maybe, but what if her mother is the reason she is the way she is?
That would be good...and someone to help with the baby would likely help, too. She probably doesn't go to church, because church family is invaluable to young families. I don't know what I would've done without mine.
However, since she did get pregnant and they did agree not to have children, he was at fault for not allowing her to give the baby up for adoption.
A mother who feels the way this woman does about her own baby is one pathetic creature!
Thanks pbear... this is exactly what we are working on now...her free-ride is coming to an end. Tough love is just as hard on the parents, who knew! This is the advice I have recieved from good people and intend to call a real estate agent next week.
I'll go back to what I said before. I believe if you really don't want children and you're not willing to take permanent steps (or at least multiple steps) to prevent pregnancy, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. Abstinence is the only foolproof way of making sure one doesn't get pregnant (turkey basters not withstanding). If she's this phobic about having children, she shouldn't be having sex.
You got that right... me either...
It totally convicts me, and it makes me lift my hands every time--I just can't help myself! :^)
I am so worried about this baby and her mother. Some have mentioned that this may be a hoax. Lord, let that be true.
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