"Why should abstinence by the goal? Why not moderation? That has always been a question I've had about AA. When abstinence is the goal, one slip and you are a failure.
Should that be considered acceptable and realistic?"
Honest question, here's my honest answer:
If they, the alcholic/addict had the ability to do things in moderation, there would be no problem in the first place.
Addiction is the loss of control in using a substance, be it alcohol, tobacco, heroin, coke, whatever, and the behavior that goes with it, and the impact of the abuse on the addict, and the people around them.
Drinking every day does not make you an addict. *Needing* to drink every day does.
I had an alcoholic father, drug addict sister, and many friends who abused every substance you can imagine. I've been through rehab with them, many AA meetings, family counseling, and been to far too many funerals. Trust me, moderation is impossible with the addict, and is just controlling how fast they commit suicide, not stopping it.
As for "one drink and you're a failure", that's not what I've seen taught or practiced at AA at all.
I would encourage you to find a local AA group and attend a meeting - you're more than welcome, and while it may be tough to hack the first time, it'll show you the way they work, and dispell any doubt you may have and answer any questions you might have.
"Drinking every day does not make you an addict. *Needing* to drink every day does. "
In the last year of my drinking, I drank at a very early hour just to feel "normal."