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Now that we have identified the problems of the Middle East, it is now time to present high-powered academic solutions to this crisis. And whereas the average policy maker is hard-pressed to find a single solution, I, with my vast intelligence, have developed seven solutions:
1) Establish Scientific Socialism.
The tranquility of the late Soviet Union can be easily moved to the Middle East -- with the assistance of a violent revolution to terminally smash the ruling class and establish a workers' paradise where everyone will be the equal of everyone else, and everything we need will be free. Why can't the entire Middle East be like a People-of-Color version of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea? There are no wars among the Korean people! |
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 2) Establish an Islamic Caliphate.
Is there anything more peaceful than the sight of devout Muslims kneeling on their prayer mats, praying for World Peace? Imagine a world where the entirety of Palestine is legitimately occupied by millions of people who spend all of their time praying for World Peace. The force would be deliciously irresistible, and would spread throughout the world. Eventually, the entire planet will be occupied (in the best sense of the word!) by people who do nothing other than pray for World Peace.
3) Human Extinction.
The true war is between Earth and its rapists; i.e., the human species.
Extinction will save us all.
IMAGINE: A peaceful Arab cultivates fields of his Socialist Islamic Motherland at the "Wives of the Prophet" Collective Farm in Saudi Arabia.
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| The remaining solutions are not as powerful, but will nevertheless solve the problem |
4) Zionist Surrender.
It takes two to fight, and I therefore declare the Zionists "guilty as charged" for not surrendering. Total surrender and an iron-clad promise to never attack again (accompanied by a UN-enforced demilitarization of the Zionist state) would end this conflict forever.
 5) Sue the Zionists in International Court.
I have already lodged several lawsuits against the Zionists for their disregard of international law. In particular, I have demanded that all Zionist generals (and Arial Sharon - no, I did not forget you) be airlifted to The Hague, where they can be tried under U.N. auspices, and hanged, for mass murder. Think: If everyone in the World Community sued a Zionist, we could have years of delightful litigation imposed on this illegitimate state. And come to think of it, wouldn't it be even more effective to simply file lawsuits against every Jew in the world? That would put a quick stop to their crooked lobbying efforts!
 6) Defeat Amerikkka.
Amerikkka is Israel's puppet. Or do I have that backwards? I mean to say, Israel is America's puppet. (See how crafty they are? Even I, with my legendary cognitive powers, cannot escape from the slimy ooze of the deceptive Zionist snake!) But one is always behind the other -- plotting and conspiring to unleash their blood-drenched war-mongering upon the most vulnerable amongst us. Amerikkka needs to be defanged, and fast. Wake up, peeps, and crash the gate!
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Saddam Hussein knew how to handle Amerikkkans
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7) Return Iraq to its rightful ruler, the Hon. President Saddam Hussein.
(And charge Zionists Cheney, Rumsfeld, etc. with war crimes at The Hague before they too are hanged by EU observers.) What do you think my fellow progressives and I are yelling about when we take to the streets in defiance of the Iraq War? When we say that Amerikkka had no business going in, we mean that everyone was far better off with Saddam Hussein in charge. Remember, President Hussein was a calming influence in the Middle East; he knew how to handle Zionists: "For years Hussein wrote checks in the sum of USD 25,000 to the families of Palestinian Arab suicide bombers."
8) Annex Amerikkka to Iran.
In my learned opinion, I think that the nation of Iran could easily absorb the entirety of Amerikkka. The result would be a true global-spanning Iran with the Amerikkkan military at its disposal to quickly terminate all conflict in the Middle East. Overnight, the Zionist-Occupied Amerikkkan War Machine would become the Iranian Peace Machine, and that dumb fascist monkey Bush-Hitler would finally be reigned in and replaced by a caring leadership that has repeatedly demonstrated that they know what the word "restraint" means. |
