I shot a 34 once too.
Posted on 07/09/2006 9:25:28 AM PDT by doug from upland
Kim Jong Il rules golf at the Dictator Classic
By Neil Davis Contributing Writer
Monday, January 24, 2005 last updated January 23, 2005 8:22 PM
Author’s note: Foremost, this author would like to thank anonymous e-mailer, AtleeNelli43@aol.com, for his or her lively response to my Sidney Ponson article. AtleeNelli43 concluded the e-mail with this zinger: “You're a jealous idiot who wouldn't know the first thing about being politically correct or even nice! So here's to you, ***hole!”
Smarting from Atlee’s well-composed piece of hate mail, I considered who might have written such a response. Since I can’t imagine anybody actually defending Sir Ponson, I’m guessing that Atlee is either a) Sir Ponson himself attempting to defend his own robust image, or b) a member of Sir Sidney’s family. Regardless, reader response is always appreciated, so my thanks go out to Atlee.
And now, onto today’s article.
Deathly ill from the West Nile Virus (or at least some manifestation of a nasty cold), I still endeavored to write a column for this week. And what should this column be about, dear readers? With Spring Quarter rapidly approaching (granted, Spring Quarter’s not anywhere close, but at least let me dream of my impending Winter Quarter graduation and subsequent trips to the golf course), it’s time to take the sticks out of storage and talk about golf. Today’s topic: the world’s best golfer.
Let’s look at the stats for the world’s best golfer: routinely shoots in the low 50’s, finished 38 under par in his first attempt at golf (with five holes-in-one), and scores three or four holes-in-one per round. While Americans might be content with David Duval’s 59 in the final round of the 1999 Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, people in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), always looking to one-up American accomplishments, know that Kim Jong-Il is easily the world’s best golfer. People might refer to an East Coast bias in sports, but the media’s lack of coverage of this story shows a distinct Western-centrism for news.
Skeptics, doubters, and those consuming the Haterade might not believe the legend that is Kim Jong-Il. But, au contraire, mon frere. As much as I’d like to mythologize Kim Jong-Il for the sake of a Stanford Daily story, I have journalistic integrity to contend with. Thus, before writing this story, I consulted numerous sources to check the facts of this story.
Granted, they were all sources from within the DPRK, but I’m willing to extend the olive branch to a rogue DPRK nation, in order to cover an underreported story and hopefully bridge the gap between the United States and the DPRK. Like I tell my friends, I’m just trying to do my part for world diplomacy.
First, according to DPRK media sources, Jong-Il’s favorite Pyongyang course, measuring a lengthy 7,700 yards, is “in full line with international standards.” Thus, before people start complaining to me that Kim Jong-Il carded a 34 on a course that does not comply with international regulation, I’d like to point out that this is simply not true. Surrounded by a forest and a scenic lake, golfers can enjoy collecting plants and boating during breaks in their rounds at the Pyongyang course. Next, not only was the course a full par 72, the golf pro at the Pyongyang course, Park Young Man, witnessed the round and signed Kim Jong-Il’s scorecard. After the round, Park Young Man confirmed that Kim Jong-Il was a natural, shooting a 34 in his first round of golf. Finally, Divine Stories about the Dear Leader, a North Korean book published in the mid-1990s, describes Kim’s historic round of golf.
And yet, for all the prowess he possesses on the golf course, Kim refuses to join the PGA tour. Behind those ever-present sunglasses, the complex dichotomy that defines Kim must be revealed: As dictator of a government-controlled Communist gulag, Jong-Il flourishes at a game that defines capitalistic nature. With Tiger Woods consumed by a Swedish babe (sha-wing!) there’s no doubt that Kim would provide a ratings bonanza for the PGA Tour. However, as one of the world’s best dictators (having starved millions of people to death), there’s no way in hell he’s going to cater to Western interests and help promote the PGA Tour.
Moreover, I would imagine that being one of the top five dictators in the world would make getting endorsement deals pretty tough. And let’s face it --- while he may have the golf skills to join the Tour, at 5-foot-2, dressed not for success, he certainly isn’t pulling any Swedish nannies that haven’t already been provided to him by his own people.
So while Kim Jong-Il might never join the PGA tour, and thus waste his natural- or government-given talent as the world’s best golfer, there’s really no reason to feel any remorse for him. After all, the guy has other serious talents: He’s worth $4 billion, he was born at a secret military base at the foot of a sacred mountain in North Korea where double rainbows appeared at his birth, and finally, he has the “pleasure squad,” a collection of imported blondes and Asians to satisfy his every desire. World’s best golfer? Absolutely. A successful dictator? Even more so.
@atline:
Imagine how many mulligans William Jefferson Clinton would need in order to compete with Kim Jong-Il. Email Neil at neild@stanford.edu to tell him whether Clinton or Jong-Il would win in a stroke-play round.
I wonder if that dog eating, pot bellied, tin hat dictator would toss me a few free lessons in between pushing the big red button tossing missiles into the sea of Japan
I'd like to see the lil' Hennessy swigging, elevator shoe-d, buzzcut handmaid bastard try to tee up HERE:
haha! ping
After the war, a golf course in Britain had a little note that "Players hitting a ball within the flags marking the zone of an unexploded bomb may take an extra stroke without penalty."
Some sports just call for fanatics! :-)
My maternal grandfather was an Augusta GA native and helped Bobby Jones put together the land for Augusta National. (Rae's Creek between 11 and 12 is named for him.) He was a FANATIC golfer, my mom played, and he naturally hoped that we would take it up. But it just never clicked somehow.
My husband played when he could go round the country club 18 on his parents' dime . . . but quit after we got married.
Well someone has to do it so.....
I'm So Ronery
I'm so ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone
There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work very hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems that no one takes me serirousry
And so I'm ronery
A little ronery
Poor rittre me
There's nobody
I can rerate to
Feer rike a bird in a cage
It's kinda sihry
But not rearry
Because it's fihring my body with rage
I work rearry hard and I'm physicarry fit
But nobody here seems to rearize that
When I rure the world maybe they'rr notice me
But untir then I'rr just be ronery
Rittre ronery, poor rittre me
I'm so ronery
I'm so ronery
I'm sure his next round will be even better, thinking his score will be 18.
LOL!!
Woman runs into the pro shop screaming that she's been bit by a bee. "Where'd you get bit," asks the resident pro, trying to calm down the woman golfer."
"Between the first and second hole," she sobbed. "What should I do?"
"Well, first thing...you might want to tighten up your stance," he opined.
Been waiting to tell that one for weeks.
I heard that when someone told Lil' Kim to address the ball, he replied, "what, that rittle ball not know who I am?!!!"
For what its worth, the little squirt can't putt for squat.....
Thanks for the ping!
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