Posted on 04/30/2006 8:12:58 AM PDT by nuconvert
Winning the war on drugs
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov 26, 1995.)
Recently, I had a simple, foolproof idea for eliminating the drug problem in this country. It came to me while I was making spaghetti sauce.
I use an ancient Italian spaghetti sauce recipe that has been handed down through many generations of ancient Italians, as follows:
1. Buy some spaghetti sauce.
2. Heat it up.
Sometimes I add some seasoning to the sauce, to give it a dash of what the Italians call joie de vivre (literally, ingredients). I had purchased, from the supermarket spice section, a small plastic container labeled ''Italian Seasoning.'' My plan was to open this container and sprinkle some seasoning into the sauce.
Already I can hear you veteran consumers out there chortling in a good-natured amusement.
''You complete moron,'' you are chortling. ``You actually thought you could gain access to a product protected by modern packaging?''
Yes, I did, and I certainly learned my lesson. Because it turns out that Italian seasoning has joined the growing number of products that, For Your Protection, are packaged in containers that you cannot open unless you own a home laser cannon.
This trend started with aspirin. Years ago -- ask your grandparents -- aspirin was sold in bottles that had removable caps. That system was changed when consumer-safety authorities discovered that certain consumers were taking advantage of this loophole by opening up the bottles and -- it only takes a few ''bad apples'' to spoil things for everybody -- ingesting aspirin tablets.
So now aspirin bottles behave very much like stinging insects in nature movies, defending themselves against consumer access via a multilevel security system:
1. There is a plastic wrapper to keep you from getting at the cap.
2. The cap, which is patented by the Rubik's Cube company, cannot be removed unless you line an invisible arrow up with an invisible dot while rotating the cap counterclockwise and simultaneously pushing down and pulling up.
3. In the unlikely event that you get the cap off, the top of the bottle is blocked by a taut piece of extremely feisty foil made from the same impenetrable material used to protect the Space Shuttle during atmospheric re-entry.
4. Underneath the foil is a virtually unremovable wad of cotton the size of a small sheep.
5. As a final precaution, there is no actual aspirin underneath the cotton. There is only a piece of paper listing dangerous side effects, underneath which is ...
6. ... a second piece of paper warning you that the first piece of paper could give you a paper cut.
Even this may not be enough security for the aspirin of tomorrow. At this very moment, packaging scientists are working on an even more secure system, in which the entire aspirin container would be located inside a live sea urchin.
With aspirin leading the way, more and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. My Italian Seasoning container featured a foil seal and a fiendish plastic thing that I could not remove with my bare hands, which meant, of course, that I had to use my teeth. These days, you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging. Go to any typical consumer household and you'll note most of the products -- food, medicine, compact discs, appliances, furniture -- are covered with bite marks, as though the house is infested with crazed beavers. The floor will be gritty with little chips of consumer teeth. Many consumers are also getting good results by stabbing their products with knives. I would estimate that 58 percent of all serious household accidents result from consumers assaulting packaging designed to improve consumer safety.
Anyway, I finally gnawed my seasoning container open, no doubt activating a tiny transmitter that triggered an alarm in some Spice Security Command Post (WHEEP! WHEEP! WHEEP! INTRUDER GAINING ACCESS TO ITALIAN SEASONING IN SECTOR 19!). While I was stirring my spaghetti sauce, it occurred to me that if we want to eliminate the drug problem in this country, all we have to do is:
1. Make all drugs completely legal and allow them to be sold in supermarkets (''Crack? Aisle 6, next to the Sweet ''n Low.'' ).
2. Require that the drugs be sold in standard consumer packaging. My reasoning is that if physically fit, clear-headed consumers can't get into these packages, there's no way that strung-out junkies could.
Eventually, they would give up trying to get at their drugs and become useful members of society, or at least attorneys.
I realize that some of you may have questions about this plan. Your most likely concern is: ``If dangerous and highly addictive narcotics are sold freely in supermarkets, will the packages be required to have Nutritional Facts labels, like the ones that now helpfully inform consumers of the protein, carbohydrate, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium and iron content of products such as Cool Whip Lite?''
Of course they will. Even though, if my plan works as expected, an addict would be unable to consume his heroin purchase, he still has a vital right to know, as an American consumer, that if he did consume it, he'd be getting only a small percentage of his Minimum Daily Requirement of dietary fiber.
This is just one of the many benefits we enjoy as residents of this Consumer Paradise. My head aches with pride.
Pong
LOL
I find this humorless. If someone Dave Barry loves (such as one of his children) becomes addicted or dies, he will also recognize the humorlessness of his words.
Thanks for the good laugh!
I bought a pair of very heavy duty kitchen shears to get into today's packages. Made Christmas much easier.
Thank goodness prescription bottles come with the reversible top, otherwise I'd go completely bonkers. I still have one of the metal cans that had a pull top that a bottle of Datril came in. I keep Q-tips in it, just the right size.
Hey, I'm a "Drug Warrior" and I thought it was funny. Perhaps you forgot the sarcasm tag.
Well that tells us something abour you.
A prayer for the "strung out junkies", the families who love or loved them, and for the lack of compassion by those who deride them as lesser children of God. Remembering our Lord who laid His merciful hand on prostitutes, and lepers, who were similarly scorned....
Psalm 35 Of David.
1 Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.
2 Take up shield and buckler; arise and come to my aid.
3 Brandish spear and javelin against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul, "I am your salvation."
4 May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame; may those who plot my ruin be turned back in dismay.
5 May they be like chaff before the wind, with the angel of the LORD driving them away;
6 may their path be dark and slippery, with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.
7 Since they hid their net for me without cause and without cause dug a pit for me,
8 may ruin overtake them by surprise— may the net they hid entangle them, may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.
9 Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation.
10 My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, O LORD ? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them."
11 Ruthless witnesses come forward; they question me on things I know nothing about.
12 They repay me evil for good and leave my soul forlorn.
13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth and humbled myself with fasting. When my prayers returned to me unanswered,
14 I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.
15 But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee; attackers gathered against me when I was unaware. They slandered me without ceasing.
16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked; they gnashed their teeth at me.
17 O Lord, how long will you look on? Rescue my life from their ravages, my precious life from these lions.
18 I will give you thanks in the great assembly; among throngs of people I will praise you.
19 Let not those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; let not those who hate me without reason maliciously wink the eye.
20 They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land.
21 They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha! With our own eyes we have seen it."
22 O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord.
23 Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord.
24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God; do not let them gloat over me.
25 Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!" or say, "We have swallowed him up."
26 May all who gloat over my distress be put to shame and confusion; may all who exalt themselves over me be clothed with shame and disgrace.
27 May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, "The LORD be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant."
28 My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long.
Back in my college days I used to have a few friends who grew marijuana. At harvest time they would often give me the shake that was left over since they were almost exclusively interested in the buds. Sometimes I'd have freezer bags full of the stuff and one of my favorite uses for it was in spaghetti sauce. When you got the munchies there was always more spaghetti.
My Dad had to suffer with my sister much longer. At 50 years old she stole pain medications from my dying Dad.
I'm sure my Dad wouldn't have wanted to lose his daughter at 19, but she made the last 20 years of his life miserable, and the last year of his life, she left him in a lot of unnecessary pain.
Cute kid.
I'm tremendously sorry for your loss, and for the emotional scar it appears to have left behind.
I pray you find comfort someday.
Humor covers every facet of human life and behavior.
Again, sorry for your loss.
FMCDH(BITS)
Dave Barry is hilarious! His humor is very distinctive and biting.
Nobody forced you to click on the thread.
Keep a pair of sissors in the kitchen. Of course, it removed the challenge...
Well, that's a heartbreaking picture that says all there is about this issue as far as I'm concerned. Bless you.
Maybe now that Mexico has announced that most illegal drugs are now legal to use there may now be an exodus of drug users INTO Mexico.
I know, wishful thinking, but this may also mean more illegal immigrants coming across the border will have drugs in hand to sell in the US thus making the war against illegal drugs even harder to win.
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