Parents Cherish Photos of Stillborn Babies

Newhouse News ^ | 4/20/2006 | Susan Glaser

[JCEccles]

A close friend of mine, and his sweet wife, lost their son (would have been child number four, and son number two) to complications at birth. A full term boy, perfect in every respect. Every respect but one: he was stillborn. Yes, they grieved. But he was a full-fledged member of their family and nothing, not even untimely death, was going to change that. And so they named him. And they held him, caressed him, and kissed him. And they asked another close friend, a photographer, to take a few photographs of them with their son.

The funeral, though heartbreaking, was filled with grace, gentleness, and still calm sweetness. And there was a sense of great strength bearing up the family, especially the mother, who was still coping with the physical challenges of a body that had borne a full-term pregnancy and the stress of natural and difficult childbirth, and yet would have no child at the breast to bring it full circle.

In their home today a photograph of their youngest son is featured in a place of honor prominently with other family photographs. Some might believe this would prolong the heartbreak. But this family has never been closer, stronger, or more serene. I can't explain it. That's just the way it is.

[AnalogReigns]

This sounds like Queen Victoria's habit of displaying photos of all her dead relatives....and I mean photos taken AFTER death.

Don't mean to be harsh but this practice sounds creepy, morbid and very unhealthy.

[don-o]

I am speechless.

Obviously not

Where is the nearest psych for these folks.

Word to the wise: Posting w/o reading the thread does carry risk of making one look like a big dope

[Polybius]

If a loved one of yours died, would you want pictures of them right after they died? Granted, you would have other types of pictures.

However, you have to remember that, unlike with Grandma's photos taken during her life, you have no other photos of this child. They either get the photo shortly after the death or never have a photo.

[kiki04]

A close friend of mine gave birth to a stillborn son at 34 weeks. They had photos taken of him that are on their mantle, it was their first son. They loved him. The photos really helped them through their grief.

I don't know if I would be able to display such photos, because I don't know if I could be reminded daily of such a great heartbreak.

[dagoofyfoot]

There is little new here.


This happened with my sister in law about 8 years ago....it was hard to take but they cherished the stillborn baby just as much as a one year old, pictures and everything.


IMHO what ever it takes to get through the grieving period should not be judged.

[CyberAnt]

I thought so too .. but I've heard grief workers say that when the parents embrace their child even in death - as the picture of the couple holding their baby did - they seem to adjust more quickly to the death and do not suffer severe bouts with grief.

It seems to me it might be the other way around.

I guess it's a very individual thing.

[MontanaBeth]

I would give anything to have more than the fading polaroid picture of my son Joshua, he only lived 7 days. Especially, when I finally got to hold him after his death.

[Sisku Hanne]

You said before you were pro-life, so why would you be "speechless"? In a culture that has learned to devalue children and treat them like disposable commodities tossed out in the trash, what is so wrong with parents treating their lost babies like the irreplaceable treasures they are?

Every one grieves in their own way and in their own time. God bless each and every one of you who have shared your touching stories.

[KosmicKitty]

You don't dwell there, but my non-living children will always live my heart just as my living children are the bright spots in my life.

[Blogger]

I have no doubt about that.

[RepubMommy]

Doesn't sound like the healthiest situation. It seems like it would just reawaken grief more and more. If a loved one of yours died, would you want pictures of them right after they died? Granted, you would have other types of pictures. But, this just doesn't seem healthy.

But with your loved one, chances are you have many pictures of them to hold on to. You have to think these are their children and the thought of not remembering for they looked like, as a mom of 3, is sad to me. I can certainly understand it. I would never want to forget what my child's face looked like, no matter how it looked. That child would be beautiful to me in that state and I would want to be able to see it's face from time to time.

[Blogger]

I understand. I just fear for that mother (or father) who can't move on past the loss.

[Yaelle]

I have known a couple of women who have lost their babies. It is IMPORTANT to mark them and keep something of them. It is too sad even to bear, but these mothers have to bear it. They have to bury their babies while other moms are taking theirs home from the hospital. Imagine one mother at home getting used to breastfeeding her newborn. Now imagine the other, at her newborn's funeral, swollen and engorged with the milk that was to feed him.

WHATEVER THESE PARENTS NEED to love and honor and treasure their children is fine with me. These special photographers do take very tasteful photos. And what is macabre for those of us who have not suffered a loss is meaningful for those who have.