Posted on 04/20/2006 11:13:07 AM PDT by Incorrigible
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Parents Cherish Photos of Stillborn BabiesBY SUSAN GLASER |
Hours after Connie King gave birth to a stillborn boy, a stranger arrived, carrying a camera.
Photographer Michelle Reed Cantley entered the room and quickly went to work, posing baby Nicholas on the couple's bed and in the arms of his parents, hoping to capture both his beauty and his peace.
 Mark and Connie King of Hinckley Township, Ohio, embrace their stillborn son, Nicholas. Their living room is filled with more than a dozen images of Nicholas shot by a photographer on call for such occasions. "It makes our little boy real," said Mark King. (Photo by Michelle Reed Cantley)
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Cantley, who has spent most of her eight years as a photographer chronicling joyous events such as weddings and proms, has found a calling giving grieving parents a remembrance of their babies.
"If he starts to fade in my memory, I can turn to these pictures and love him all over again," said King, who gave birth March 10 at her home in Hinckley Township, Ohio.
Mark and Connie King's living room is filled with more than a dozen of Cantley's images of Nicholas: a close-up of his tiny feet, cradled in mom's arms, embraced by dad and mom on the bed.
"It makes our little boy real," said Mark King.
Decades ago, women who delivered stillborn or gravely ill infants typically were not encouraged to grieve. Parents rarely took photos and other mementos with them when they left the hospital without their babies.
Then, as the healing process evolved, parents were gently encouraged to create memories in whatever ways were comfortable for them.
Increasingly, parents are turning to a new national network of photographers, including Cantley, available to families in their darkest hours.
The nonprofit network Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, named after the first line in a well-known children's prayer, was founded a year ago by a Denver mother who lost her 6-day-old son and a photographer who took images of the boy.
Today, nearly 500 photographers nationwide are on call to visit hospitals and homes in an effort to keep the memories of these children alive.
"It's almost like proof," said Megan Senthil, an Aurora, Ohio, mother whose fourth child, Asher, was stillborn in February. "It's strange to go through nine months and have a life inside you and then have nothing. It makes it more real to me. Yeah, I did have a baby."
Cantley came to Senthil's room at University Hospitals in Cleveland the day after Asher's birth and took hundreds of photos, including dozens with his older sister and two brothers.
"They see these pictures and I think it's really helping get us through the process," said Senthil. "I couldn't imagine the grief that I would have if I didn't have the photos. I look at them constantly."
Cantley's service, including a CD of images, is provided free; prints are offered at a discount.
The challenge from a photography standpoint is to make the children look peaceful and at rest, no matter their circumstances. Cantley deals with these difficulties through posing, lighting and camera angle. She can focus on the baby's hands and feet, if necessary. She frequently recommends that parents choose black-and-white images, which tend to be more forgiving of poor skin tone, bruising and other imperfections.
"The focus is on the beauty of the small life," she said.
Cantley, of Parma, Ohio, acknowledged that the assignments can be emotionally difficult. "I had to take a deep breath before I walked in that room for the first time," she said. "Being a source of comfort for the family pulls you through."
The national organization provides an online discussion group for photographers to share their experiences and their emotions, with topics ranging from whether to cover up a baby's cleft palate to making the best of available lighting.
Cantley said she believes that she has gained as much from the experience as the families have. "It's changed my life. I'm doing something that I really feel is touching people's lives."
Indeed, the families will be grateful for years, according to Cheryl Haggard, who founded Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep just two months after her son, 6-day-old Maddux, died in February 2005.
A year later, the photographs taken during his short life help to keep him alive in her memory. The pictures are not morbid or depressing, but joyful, said Haggard.
"When I look back at his photographs, I'm not reminded of the night that he died being the worst in my life," she said. "I am reminded of what a blessing he is to us."
For more information, go to www.NowILayMeDowntoSleep.org on the Internet.
April 20, 2006 (Susan Glaser is a reporter for The Plain Dealer of Cleveland. She can be contacted at sglaser@plaind.com.)
Not for commercial use. For educational and discussion purposes only.
A random visitor, seeing photos of a newborn, would probably politely ask: "How cute! How old is he now? What's his name?" etc. and the inevitable answer would make the visitor just feel like dirt, no matter how the answer was handled.
I sat in an Emergency Room recently with a young father who held one of two twins.
The twin that the father held had been still-born.
I remember him telling me that he wanted a few minutes to hold his daughter. Because, he said, he would never have that chance.
So I completely understood when he told me that he wanted to have a picture or two of this daughter he would never know.
W T F ? ! ?
That would have been justifiable homicide, in my opinion.
I have a hard time even looking at the website.
Thank you for making me tear up!
No, really, as a woman just days (hopefully) away from giving birth, I can completely understand the desire for pictures if something were to happen to my baby. I cherish the 3D photos I have, but I think I'd really want some of us holding her in our arms.
We lost an infant son at 3 days of age. He was taken to one of the early NICU's at another hospital immediately after birth. I never saw him alive nor do I have any pictures of him. The only time I saw him was at his funeral and no one thought to take a picture. So I think this is a wonderful idea.
Having lost a baby during early pregnancy, I can assure you that I wanted nothing more than to cling to any memory I had of my baby boy. I had nothing, though. I would do this.
I think it is healthy as long as it doesn't take over the rest of one's life and remains in a balanced context.
Loosing a child is really tough. No matter how young it is.
Oh my heavens this is the saddest thing I have read in ages, it makes me want to cry.
We have been blessed with two healthy thriving children, but we will never forget the one we lost. And yes, just having the ultrasound picture helps somehow. Maybe if you haven't been through it, you can't really understand.
I guess you have to be Catholic or something. It's the open verses closed casket thing. I'm big on open caskets but I know my sister in law about had a fit when the minister at the cemetery asked that the casket with my father in law in it be opened one last time (it had been closed at the church ceremony) so that the family could say goodbye. At my father's funeral, casket opened, all were invited to go up and say goodbye and in the case of the grandchildren and children, put something in the casket. I put a rosary, the grandchildren put a family photo. just a cultural thing. I didn't throw myself in the grave or anything.
But, these parents didn't have a chance for a picture of a living child.
I've lost 3, only have an ultrasound of one - I totally understand, even though they were never born, they were still my children and still very much loved!!
I looked at the website - I did cry. How heartbreaking.
I concede that. I haven't lost a child. But I think such a vivid reminder would be very difficult to continually relive. In life, we have pain, but we can't live there.
I believe Sen. Santorum and his wife had pictures taken with their baby that died after being born prematurely. I haven't read her book, but I do remember reading that somewhere.
The idea of the picture is perfect. It makes the experience of the pregnancy, the hopes and dreams, and the loss so much more bearable.
I counselled a young woman whose baby had no chance for survival. Her family did not want her to go to the hospital to see him but I advised otherwise.
Later her doctor told me that it was in her best interest to go see her baby, touch him, and talk to him. It eased her pain after he died.
Exactly.
It wasn't a "fetus" or "fetal tissue".
These children have names and should be remembered for the children they were.
But that's when people still had a healthy opinion of Death, not the fear that we have today!
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