Scott McClellan Out - Mr. Stick Figure In
As you all know, Scott McClellan submitted his resignation today. I want to thank Scott for his hard work and dedication, and wish him the best of luck.
It's my pleasure to appoint as Press Secretary Mr. Stick Figure. He's well informed, he speaks his mind, and I'm sure you'll all enjoy working with him. Stick?
Thanks, boss. You heard the man - Mumbly McMushmouth is out, Stick Figure is in, so let's get this show on the road. Let's hear from...
You...Four-eyes.
Me?
Not you, the other four-eyes.
Me?
What did I just say? Yes, you!
Oh, OK, I was just going to, um, I mean, I wanted to say, I mean to ask that, um...
Holy crap - spit it out, already!
Oh, sorry. Um, as you know...
OK, let's just stipulate that any question beginning with the phrase "As you know" is a waste of my freaking time, because if I already know, I don't need you to remind me. Sound like a plan?
I guess so. So, um, then I guess what I should say is, um...
All right, time's up, Zippy. We've only got three years left in this administration, and we can't spend all three waiting for you to form a complete sentence. Let's go to Mr. Pink-Shirt over here on the right.
Stick Figure, do you think Scott McClellan should have admitted he was wrong when he said that...
Again with this?? What are you, obsessed with the guy?
I think it's a reasonable question, after all, he was the press secretary for this administration, and he stated emphatically that...
The key word being was, OK? By now, he's probably working at the local Starbucks, so how about you head over there, grab a latte, and the two of you can continue your little domestic squabble over some banana nut loaf, huh?
You're avoiding the question, and the American people aren't going to stand for...
Whoa! Hold up a second there, sparky. In case you haven't noticed, there's a new sheriff in town, and he's not taking any crap from the peanut gallery.
But I asked a question, and I think you have a responsibility to...
Responsibility? Let's just review here - me, presidential appointee; you, Brian Williams office-boy. Now, despite the obvious difference in our social stature, I'm still willing to let you come in here and hang out with these other losers, so mind your p's and q's.
That's not...
Next! Let's hear from Lurch, down here in front.
Me?
The next person who asks that is out on his ass - yes, you!
This is nuts, you can't talk to...
Hey, Porny McSleazemouth, they warned me about you, and I'll tell you right now, I'm not going to stand for any talk about sloppy seconds, or nuts, or any other body parts, got it?
But, but...
Again with the body parts! OK, I warned you, now you're sitting this one out.
Oldie McFartson, what've you got for me?
I've reviewed six different polls on issues ranging from the public's opinion on...
Can you believe this guy? He's actually reading from a script.
...demographic studies, many of which concur that...
Does he think he's running for office or something?
Now, taking into consideration the economic disparity between many...
I'm just going to let him talk. ChromDome, you're up!
Mr. Stick Figure, as you know...
Wrong answer! Take that guy's press pass away, he's a loser.
Hairpiece! What's on your mind?
I don't wear a hairpiece!
Riiiiight, right. What's your question?
Stick Figure, after what I've seen today, I can't vouch for you.
Well, I don't remember asking you to vouch for me...
Seriously, I can't carry your water.
Carry my water? What does that mean?
This is outrageous. I'm a reporter for ABC, you know.
That's one of the reasons I wouldn't ask you to vouch for me.
I've hosted Nightline!
That's it, get it all out. Confession is good for the soul. Oh, I forgot - you're a reporter for ABC. Well, confession's probably good for you, anyway.
I don't have to take this crap from you!
BOR-ing! You, in the back - take your best shot.
Wouldn't you agree that the president...
Wouldn't you agree that the president.
Excuse me, wouldn't you...
Excuse me, wouldn't you.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Are you playing some kind of game?
No, I'm demonstrating the fine art of verbatim quoting. You bozos should try it some time.
All right, show's over, kids. Move along, nothing to see here.
I can't believe I made so many new friends in one day. I think I'm going to like this gig.
