Posted on 03/31/2006 11:43:43 AM PST by firehat
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR SAVING AMERICA ©
by Norman Liebmann
Take Hillary Clinton to a veterinarian and have her de-clawed.
Forbid entry into the US illegal aliens from any country whose idea of sport is stabbing farm animals in the neck, dancing on their hats and urinating in the street.
Shit-can the concept of “globalism”.
Discourage media from using cheap-shot clichés. A good place to start is by making all commentators “dis-connect the dots”.
Dispatch SWAT teams to conduct periodic raids on Sandy Berger’s pants.
Hoard whatever is left of America’s treasure.
Equip and train seal pups to use AK47s on barbarian Canadians wielding clubs.
Either anoint Rosa Parks with sainthood, or dig her up and use her halo to play quoits.
Stop Republican Presidents from carrying forward the Democrat agenda.
Let France’s economy continue to collapse like a punctured soufflé. Find out what the French word is for “Hooray!”
Require fairies to file flight plans.
Recognize the Democrats as the Party of anti-Caucasianism. Display a bumper sticker that proclaims “Whites Have Rights”.
Stop calling alcohol addiction a disease or it might spread into a Happy Hour Adult Beverage Epidemic.
Send all dropouts and underachievers to Mexico where they will blend in easily. Remind the illegal alien rabble demonstrators that the Españoles only contributions to the world were The Inquisition, The Spanish Armada, and Taco Bell.
Force every member of The Jerry Springer Show audience to have a lobotomy - and a bath.
Find out if Bono is really Irish. If he is he wouldn’t be worried about whether people in the Third World are getting enough to eat - but enough to drink.
Don’t let gays set up a recruiting booth in Schubert Alley.
Export our second hand smoke to smoke-deprived nations.
Next time Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg falls asleep while the Supreme Court is in session don’t wake her. Hopefully she may slip into a coma.
Replace the world’s largest non-functioning military, NATO, with NAFTA, the world’s largest substandard economic coalition. NAFTA might put up a better fight and win something occasionally.
Bring closure to “Jimmah” Carter’s mouth.
Oblige illegal aliens to have their gang tattoos lasered off at the border.
Conduct a survey of dentists to see if they consider an Al Gore speech a more effective numbing agent than Novocain. And, in the interest of hygiene, enact legislation forbidding Al and Tipper Gore to swap spit at political conventions.
Make journalistic condescension a capital crime.
Send convicted criminals abroad to do their rehabilitating in the countries which inspired them to become felons.
Do not let Congress turn the USA into an Emergency Room for peons. America is not a mercy ship.
Send troops to the border – any border.
Have the “techs” at NASA find a less expensive hobby.
Pass a statute requiring raving maniacs like Teddy Kennedy to rave more quietly in hospital zones.
Level all the speed bumps in parking lots making them less dangerous for drivers with loose dentures.
Convince the medical profession it’s time to stop the bullshit and quit calling an operation a “procedure”.
Send the Hell’s Angeles Motor Cycle gang to Hollywood to muss up the nominees’ hairdos as they enter the hoity-toity Academy Awards Ceremony.
Require Bill Clinton to carry sperm in his wallet for identification.
Encourage Liberals to smoke in bed and not look both ways before crossing streets.
Confiscate Walter Cronkite’s yachting cap and bury it at sea.
Make “profiling” the national pastime – or, better still, the national obsession.
Outlaw television journalistic panels who have taken the art of small-talk and reduced it to the art of tiny-talk.
In the interest of accuracy change the name of the state of Vermont to Vermint.
Spread the word that Satan is gay.
Get ABC to replace Tim Russert, “Mr. Nice Guy” with a “Mr. Nicer Guy”.
If Bill Frist is your doctor or your Senator, in either case make sure you get a second opinion.
Have NASA launch an orbiter that will sterilize every guy in Islam by satellite.
Call illegal immigration by the proper name – invasion. Call illegal aliens by their proper name - Mexicans.
Stop Hillary Clinton from invoking the name of The Deity. If there is one thing Jesus Christ doesn’t need, it is Hillary Clinton acting as His Press Agent.
Keep Arabs away from non-Arab women. Remember what happened to Desdemona.
Weed out the people who do not know jack-shit, and replace them with people who do know jack-shit.
Repeal all gun laws for Caucasians that feel threatened by illegal alien masses huddling to call signals for the play that will destroy America.
Give FEMA a break. If another hurricane hits New Orleans, you can bet Mayor Ray Nagan will blame it on either the Ku Klux Klan, Roto Rooter, or crooked dice.
Discourage the opinion that everybody has a right to an opinion.
Change the lyric to read in “New York, New York” to the more accurate – “If you can fake it there, you can fake it anywhere”.
Illegal aliens must have their reproductive organs dismantled at the border.
Send child molesters to jail and make the judges that exonerate them their cell mates.
Discredit the notion that alcoholism among minorities is a disease. The real addiction it creates is not to the booze - but to the benefits.
Help stamp out AIDS. If that works, help stamp out Arabs.
Make Vermont an independent nation and change its name to Swisherland. Then have the State Department break off diplomatic relations with it.
Keep bombing all the countries that hate us until they like us.
There should be a year-round open season on lawyers, and if you bag one, don’t bother to make it look like an accident.
Give Wal-mart a seat on the Security Council.
End Eminent Domain. The Government has other means of stealing just as legal.
Is April 1st the appropriate day to gift the feminist in your life with a box of exploding tampons?
Abolish fair and balanced reporting, which is one of the mainstream media’s most contemptible conceits.
People opposing Mexicans who invade our country and break our laws are accused of being racists. More power to them.
Eliminate gun control laws. Give every newborn infant a 38 caliber revolver at birth and name him Vigilante
Bomb Iran, but first bomb Venezuela. It’s closer.
Support Bill Clinton in his quest to become Secretary General of the United Nations. He will loot the place barren and bring to an end an institution that has been irrelevant from the get-go.
Accelerate the courses in journalism schools so a new cabal of liberals will get their chance to betray America.
Divert the waters of the Rio Grande River to flood the tunnels from Mexico.
Quit describing illegal aliens as “hard-working”. Remember it is Mexico that made the siesta a national disorder.
Find a prophet who can lead the mules out of Arkansas. They’ve suffered enough.
Let there be less of “fair and balanced” and more of “my country right or wrong”.
and this …
If, God help us, Hillary wins the Presidency, forbid her to add to the Oath of Office, the words, “Because I say so”.
***
Those are funny! I needed the laugh, thanks!
MM
Hey! She's baaaaa...aaaack. Where ya been silly girl?
Thanks for the ping ... great stuff
"Norm is a FR original, he can post where he damn well pleases"
Noted. Thanks.
I just drop in now and again when I get overwhelmed with the projects.
But, this is NEWS!
Was it a Joshua Tree!?
Snork!
.
If you geld 'em I think it takes the edge off.
ahhhh....the beatings will continue until morale improves.
My favorite!
LOL!
Funny article.
I'd add one more:
Outsource the US Senate to India. They seem to have a much more effective take on illegal immigration.
It started in 1986. We ceded California to them, and now they want the rest as well.
heh
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