Save Jill
I would like to introduce to you a new member of the Dr. Phat Tony family. This is Jill. Jill is 3 ½ weeks old, and probably one of the cutest things ever. Unfortunately Jill is in a fight for her life and she doesn’t even know it. I’ve tried to explain the rules of the house to Jill, but I doubt she understands them. There are a few rules at casa de Phat Tony’s. One rule is, you have to be of use to live with me. Unfortunately, as of right now, Jill is only good at eating and pooping. This doesn’t give her any significant use. I have laid down the ultimatum to Jill. Jill is to raise $16,000 or Jill is going to become a wonderful dinner on
I’m sure some of you are thinking I’m cold and callous. You would be right. I have no qualms about putting a bullet through Jill’s head, then butchering her to feed friends and family. You can stop this. Instead of just complaining about how mean I am, put a dollar in a the pot and help keep Jill breathing instead of cooking. You and 16000 of your friends can donate a dollar (or you and 8000 of your friends donating 2 dollars) to keep Jill from becoming a delicious meal. Do I really expect Jill to raise the money? No, I expect Jill to be cooking slowly on
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Race Of Six Legged “SuperLambs” Rise To Save Jill
Six legged lamb: Extra tasty delight, or mutant killing machine?
MEEUWEN-GRUITRODE, Belgium - The birth of a six-legged lamb in this tiny community in the Belgian lowlands was seen by most as a benign– if bizarre– oddity story, the kind that breaks the tension between serious news items. But zoologists contacted by Point Five believe the birth of this creature may be indication of the evolution of a race of super lambs, bent on avenging threats of violence against Jill the Goat by internet blogger Dr. Phat Tony.
Dr. Phat’s infamous “Save Jill” campaign, which revolves around him extorting $16,000 to save Jill or he will “put a bullet through the base of her skull”, has caused considerable unrest among many in the domestic livestock community.
“You’ll never get much rise out of the goats– as long as they’ve got some tin siding to chew on they’re happy– but we lambs know that once Dr. Phat tries some of that gamy, stringy goat meat, he’s going to have a hankering for some quality flavor. That’s always when they come after the lambs.”
It is believed that collective outrage on the part of barnyard creatures created the evolutionary conditions necessary for the bizarre mutation.
“Lambs haven’t been this worked up about a thing since the eents dramatized in Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain went down in the mid 60s,” said Oklahoma rancher Bill McClain, who has noticed angry and aggressive behavior by his goats, lambs, and cattle in recent weeks. He blames Dr. Phat’s wild threats for the trouble.
While top military leaders in the lamb mutant army have suggested a two pronged commando- style raid, against both Jill’s holding facility and Dr. Phat’s fortified Alabama compound, others within the fold have suggested a less violent approach.
“With our two extra legs we don’t need violence to save Jill,” said Pinky, a six legged lamb, protesting against the violence. “We have a tremendous advantage in the world of competitive lamb racing. We could peacefully raise the money overnight to spring our caprine sister.”
But her fellow lambs are outraged at Pinky’s position.
“We’ve only existed as a species for a couple days; I can’t believe that we’ve already got a hippie!” said Bluebell, another mutant lamb.
Although Dr. Phat Tony was unavailable for comment, meaning we didn’t try to contact him, it is believed that he is optimistic about the outcome of a battle between himself and an army of mutant lambs, based on his recent purchase of a case of mint jelly.