Sex and Marriage in the City?

Townhall ^ | 3.20.2006 | Jennifer Roback Morse

[TexanToTheCore]

If I may make a reccomendation: Start spending more time with your female friend. Don't turn on the romance, just spend a lot of time with her.

[misterrob]

But life is about stages that you go through and experience. And, without some level of maturity and preparedness your risk of hardship increases. Furthermore, the identity you have at 22 is not the one that you will have at 28 or at 34 for that matter. And, for what it's worth, answers that I thought I just knew at earlier stages of life were plain wrong. Pretty common in young men.

In your husband's case, success should be measured in terms of his own accomplishments. Completing boot camp certainly qualifies as a defining moment as does his acquiring rank and other responsibility. From those accomplishments he is better prepared to handle life.

[TexanToTheCore]

Risk is an attribute of life. If you choose a riskless life, you may lose everything or perhaps have a really boring life.

[RHINO369]

"But at the same time, if you meet your life partner fresh out of high school, should you wait over 10 years to get married? Waiting that long forms awkward habits into a relationship and a lack of commitment that could potentially hurt a marriage. Also, if you're committed to no sex before marriage - 10 years can be an eternity. Some of us just know when we've found the right person and why should we have to wait because someone else says we're too young?"

Yea but all people in high school think they've found the right one, I did the same thing! Most though don't make it much longer than a couple years. If your both 100% sure, then do what you want, but for most people (probably 95%) you are better off waiting.

Plus like I said if shes willing to stay in a committed relationship for 10 years then she truly is perfect. If you date from 16-26 with no breaks up you can probably safely assume you can get married, but if you meet at 20 and you wanna get married at 22, I'd bet your marriage is going to fail. The truth is people change A LOT from their late teens to full adult, especially in todays society were you really aren't a full responsible adult til your in your mid twenties (you can't buy a 6 pack of beer til your 21 for gods sake). I'm twenty and I can do advanced calculus, but I wouldn't trust myself raising a lizard, let alone a child.

[misterrob]

Of course it is but risks have to be taken with some level of calculation otherwise the outcomes are in too much doubt and the costs are tremendous.

[Kaylee Frye]

Just because your identity changes, does not mean that's a bad thing. Your identity changes a lot when you have kids - sometimes that is very hard on a marriage. Does that mean that people should have kids before marriage so they know how they will change? No, of course not. It means that you should be conscious you will change and conscious that your mate will change when you get married. You should pick a person who can deal with your changes and you should be prepared to deal with their changes. It's all about picking who to get in the fox-hole with. I'm not saying that no one should wait to get married, I'm just saying that if you choose not to wait, that doesn't mean you've made a bad choice.

[TexanToTheCore]

You are fully capalbe of raising a child and have been since about the age of 18. You have been told that you are a child and you may be treated like a child, but you are an adult.

I decided to go to war when I was 18. My father did also at the same. It was and adult decision, just like all those 18 and 19 year olds who have freed 52 million people and who have protected us in Afghanistan and Iraq.

[misterrob]

The difference is that our identity is shaped by life's experiences that allows us the opportunity to acquire maturity, wisdom and humility. With those a person is better suited to address the process of life and make better choices as well as becoming people worth being around.

[Kaylee Frye]

Well, I'm not saying that everyone should wait forever. But I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 19. We were married when I was 22 and he was 24. The time was right for us. I agree that not everyone is ready to be married in their early 20s, but some are. You have to judge for yourself when you're ready.

It's just that I don't see the reason to keep dating - at some point you're either going to get married or not. If you've been dating since 16 and you're out of college (say 22, 23, 24, whenever), it's time to make a decision in which direction your life is going. That decision generally includes marriage.

[misterrob]

Those 18-19 year olds take their marching orders from people older and a lot more experienced than they are. Combat or even just military service in peace time makes you grow up faster but having seen my brother and his friends choices in women I would very much disagree with your assessment.

[Kaylee Frye]

True, but you'd also agree that everyone's life experiences differ wildly. Some people may go through college care-free and crazy and come out just as immature as when they went in. Others may suffer from financial losses, or may just mature more quickly. The fun thing about human beings is that we are all so very different. So while 22 may be "too young" for one person, it may be just right for another.

[TexanToTheCore]

Are our brother and his friends married?

[TexanToTheCore]

I mean your brother..

[TexanToTheCore]

Your attempt to control the future is risible. Just live life as it presents itself. Or you lose, and it doesn't matter how many toys you have.:)

[TexanToTheCore]

"Another issue to consider is the state of people today and how the developments over the last 40 or so years have changed society. We are not 35 years or so into the age of divorce and the effects are rather chilling. We are also into our 4th decade of feminism and the destruction that has wrought. I see people being far more confused about their choices and with good reason."

Children today are given a set options and told that all those options are equal when, in fact, they are not. They lack the ability to to make good decisions because no one has told them what is good and what is bad. A good remedy to this unfortunate state of affairs in membership in a conservative church. They will know the right thing to do, even if the situation is ummmm ...fuzzy.

[Search4Truth]

From what I've read, I think you'll make a fine husband and father for some lucky girl.

I would add only this to what has been written. Make sure you pray a lot on it, and get your mom and dad's approval of whomever you choose to court. Remember, honor thy mother and father. And if anything goes wrong, you can always blame them :)

[TexanToTheCore]

The boots on the ground are 18 and 19 year old adults. Which is as it should be.

[annie laurie]

James, you sound like you have a very well-developed sense of who you are and what kind of life you want to lead.

I'll agree with HitmanLV on one point: for some people, the whole 'wait until you're older' bit is good advice. HitmanLV seems quite confident that he's made the right choices in his life, so he's probably one of those people.

However, his path is by no means the universal route to happiness. TonyRo76 has given another perspective in post number 16 (an excellent one, IMO).

Keep praying and keep the faith, and don't let anyone else make your choices for you :)

[BureaucratusMaximus]

My dad paid high school tuition bills in his 50s. Smart, happy man!

Well...to each his own.

Have a nice night.

[HitmanLV]

Yes you are exaclty right. If I felt, for example, that I found a good woman that I wanted to share my life with 6 years ago, for example, I would have asked her to marry me. Then it would be up to her. I wouldn't hesitate because of some sense of timing I set in my mind.

There is no roadmap, there is no exact formula, there is no set schedule. Keep options open and be smart.

You gave excellent advice.