Other articles with keyword "DOGGIEPING" since 12/29/04
Posted on 03/05/2006 6:52:11 AM PST by nuconvert
One wag's view of canine control
By DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 18, 1994.)
Today's topic is: Practical dog ownership.
Millions of Americans own dogs because they are good-natured, simple and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members, either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish.
Suppose, for example, that you're home alone, and you start choking on a piece of takeout Chinese food, and you collapse to the floor, dying. A tropical fish is not going to alertly rush over to the phone, knock the receiver off the hook, dial 911 with its nose and bark excitedly into the mouthpiece until the operator sends paramedics. Of course, a dog is not going to do this, either. A dog is going to wander over and lick the soy sauce off your increasingly blue face. But while it's doing this, it will be thinking loyal thoughts about you.
So we can see that there are major benefits to dog ownership. But before you make ''man's best friend'' part of your family, you need to know the Three Key Principles of Practical Dog Ownership:
1. REMEMBER YOUR SAFETY PRIORITIES WHEN DRIVING WITH A DOG.
Dogs LOVE to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere. It is not mere coincidence that the first animal in space was a dog. It went up in a Russian satellite that was clearly never going to come back down, but the Russians didn't have to ask it twice. (The dog, not the satellite.) They just opened the satellite door, and the dog bounded enthusiastically inside and blasted into space and spent 189 consecutive hours with its nose pressed against the porthole, barking violently at cosmic rays, until finally the Russians couldn't stand it any more and turned off the radio receiver.
So your dog will definitely want to go places in your car. But you must be careful when driving with a dog. Consider the following true anecdote involving a Southgate, Mich., woman whom I will identify here only as Ann because she will probably want to remain anonymous after she kills her husband, Stephen, for writing in to tell me about this anecdote.
Ann was driving in her minivan with a schnauzer whom I will identify here only as Bobbie, when Bobbie started to throw up on the passenger seat. Dogs throw up a lot. It's a survival instinct that they inherited from their relatives, wolves, which swallow their prey in the field, then return to the den and regurgitate for their young; this causes the young to be so grossed out that they leave the den and get jobs. (This technique can also be adapted by human parents, according to Dr. Joyce Brothers' best-selling book, ''Ralph on Your Kids.'' )
Anyway, when Bobbie started barfing, Ann wisely took her eyes off the road and reached over to shove Bobbie off the seat. Thanks to Ann's quick thinking, disaster was avoided, except for the fact that her minivan swerved across the road and smashed into a parked car, resulting in over $1,000 worth of damage. But the important thing is that the seat was fine. ''Above all, protect the seat'' is the No. 1 rule of driving with a dog.
2. THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO BREAK OFF A PIECE OF BISCUIT FOR YOUR DOG.
Consider what happened to Richard Dawson of Bordentown, N.J., whose story was brought to my attention by alert reader Richard Lipschultz. Dawson was walking his dog, Lou, and decided to give Lou a piece of the large dog biscuit in his (Dawson's) jacket pocket. Rather than go to all the trouble of taking the whole biscuit out, Dawson decide to break off a piece by simply punching the biscuit while it was still in his pocket. The first punch failed to do the job, so Dawson punched the biscuit harder, the result being -- in Dawson's own words -- ``I broke my rib.''
The lesson here, obviously, is that you need to really whack your biscuit. This is precisely why many experienced dog-owners carry hammers.
3. USE GOOD JUDGMENT WHEN DISCIPLINING DOGS
I have here an article, sent in by many readers, from the Rocky Mountain News in Colorado, headlined, WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HERSELF, and subheadlined, ``Owner of 10 dogs nicks finger with handgun she routinely fired at ceiling to stop pets from fighting.''
The article states that the woman used a .25-caliber handgun to control her dogs; she told police that she fired it into the ceiling when the dogs got into a fight.
As a dog owner and dog lover, I was shocked to learn that in a so-called humane society, a person would even THINK of attempting to control 10 dogs with a gun of such small caliber. Use your heads, dog owners! For five or more dogs, experts recommend at LEAST a .357 magnum, unless the dogs are Labrador retrievers, in which case you need nuclear weapons. In this, as in every other area of dog ownership, the key is plain old ''common sense,'' which is why I want to leave all of you dog-owners out there, both novices and veterans, with this thought: ''The Biscuit Whackers'' would be an excellent name for a band.
pong
HAW! That's Hell-Funny! Thanx for the laugh!
Here's a good laugh for you. Talking dogs!
http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic620.htm
Doggie ping?
LoL. We had a dog that said "momma" too.
Thanx for the link
Full marks! That's Hell-Funny, too! Good for a chuckle or two -- I think I'll stay up for the rest of the nite. What the heck! This is fun...
Thanks for the pong.
Thanks for posting, I read Dave Barry every week but managed to miss this one. Sadly, he retired his column.
Two great satirist that I still miss are Erma Bombeck and Lewis Grizzard - anybody remember him?
I have three of Lewis Grizzard's books.
Lucky you! He was the best, I would laugh out loud at him! A friend had some of his tapes and I tried listening but couldn't hear well enough.
I have a couple of Erma Bombeck's books.
Ah yes, love and loved them all.
He had a Lab named Catfish . . . who didn't retrieve, at least not anything anybody wanted.
I don't think we have any newspaper satirist to match them right now!
He must know my Lab.
She thinks fireworks are FUN, and thunderstorms are a riot.
The only thing that has ever seemed to faze her was when a tree fell on our deck while she was outside.
She came running to me as soon as I opened the deck door. I thought for a moment she was afraid -- then I realized she was ducking her head and wagging her tail -- "I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I can explain everything!"
How nice, I didn't know he had a Museum in his name! I do seem to recall 'Catfish', lol.
Don't know the fellow standing there . . . but the museum is in an old store in the fork where Church Street bears off Highway 29, on the north edge of Moreland. That's Church St. on the left side behind the sign, and Hwy 29 on the right side behind the sign. Just a couple of miles off I-85, south of the Newnan Airport.
It's a nice little quiet GA town - one of our hunting club members has a farm nearby and we train our dogs on his land.
Thanks so much for posting that picture, I really appreciate it!
Thanks so much for the ping!
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