Posted on 03/02/2006 4:23:41 AM PST by Born Conservative
On Tuesday, March 7th at Auburn University, I will make an important public announcement. From behind a podium in Room 217 in the Foy Student Union, around 7:30 CST, I will announce my intention to run - as a Republican, of course - for the Office of President of the United States of America.
The following night - on March 8th at 5 Seasons Brewery in Atlanta, GA - I will formally kick off my campaign with a more detailed speech around 7pm EST. In these speeches, I plan to outline my vision for America – a vision that should propel us into a future where the three evils of socialism, terrorism, and feminism will soon become relics of the past.
The most ambitious aspect of my presidency will be a drastic reduction in the size of the federal government. In my first term, I plan to eliminate all of the following government agencies:
1. The United States Postal Service. Put simply, the cost of a stamp and the percentage of “lost mail” should be inversely related. For years, the Postal Service has had this backwards. Their period of probation has, in my view, expired. Therefore, they will be eliminated. This should make the folks at UPS very happy.
2. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. This decision is guided not by principle but by self-interest. As I rapidly approach the federal limitations on gun and ammunition ownership something must be done. There isn’t enough room in this country for both my gun collection and this antiquated agency. One of us has to go. Since I will be president, they will have to go.
3. The Department of Education. For the life of me, I can’t understand why the Republicans ever scratched the plan to abolish this useless agency. When it comes to cutting the size of the federal government, my plan will soon be known as "All useless government agencies left behind." This decision came around the time Bangladesh passed us in mathematics and reading comprehension.
4. The Internal Revenue Service. I will begin with a proposal to allow Americans to claim their firearms as "dependents" as early as 2009. This means that the tax burden will be shouldered almost entirely by convicted felons. This will put the IRS out of business in short order. That is good news because the IRS is largely responsible for this nation’s steady drift away from free market capitalism to socialism over the latter half of the 20th century. We will cut off the problem at its source in the early years of the Adams administration.
5. The EEOC. For years, Americans have had equal opportunity. But the EEOC has long been focused on ensuring equal outcome, not equal opportunity. I will hasten the elimination of this office by passing an executive order banning the mere mention of race on all federal job applications. This will happen as early as January 2009. Bill Clinton pushed for a national dialogue on race during one year of his presidency. I will push for four solid years without talking about race. Morgan Freeman will also be one of my top advisors.
In an effort to shut down these offices, I will ask attorney and radio talk show host Neal Boortz to be my running mate. America will immediately save money with Vice President Boortz in the White House. Since he will be flying Air Force One, we can save money on the government payroll starting on day one. This will also save money on shampoo and other unnecessary hair care products in the White House.
There will also be important changes in foreign policy. My top advisors in this area will be Phyllis Schlafly (Secretary of State) and Ann Coulter (National Security Advisor). Unless they advise otherwise, I plan to withdraw troops from Iraq and send them into Syria to recover the WMDs hidden there by Saddam Hussein prior to the Iraq War. After they are recovered, our troops will head to Tel Aviv to hand the WMDs over to the Israeli Army. They will be used to immediately retake possession of the Gaza strip.
Shortly thereafter, our nation will experiment with a significant nuclear arms reduction by turning 10% of our nuclear weapons over to the Israelis. We will also capitulate to the demands of left-wing American professors by withdrawing all troops from the Middle East. This will not be an admission that they are right but, instead, a safety precaution. We don’t want our troops to be in harms way when Israel turns Iran into a glass parking lot. The fallout from this decision should be significant, literally speaking.
Resistance to our foreign policy initiatives – at least from the United Nations - will pose no problem. My Treasury Secretary, Donald Trump, will be given control over the United Nation’s building shortly after they are deported from this country for trumping United States foreign policy for decades. I expect the unsightly building to be turned into a Trump Manhattan Casino by early 2010.
As for the Supreme Court, I will follow the lead of President Bush by appointing personal friends to the Court. David Limbaugh will receive a nomination and Ben Shapiro will become our youngest Justice. The Alliance Defense Fund’s David French will also be nominated. If Ann Coulter wants to be the first female Chief Justice, she will have to get to know me better. Needless to say, I’m all for that.
If you want to learn more about my plans for America, maybe I’ll see you next week at Auburn. Or maybe it will be Atlanta. Before long, our campaign will be coming to a college campus or micro-brewery near you.
I like Mike
My Bike likes Mike
(tip of the hat to Fonzie)
Would be interesting to watch wouldn't it!! Wonder how long they'd last? I need to say that I agree with 99% of their views, just wonderin' how long the general masses would deal with em!!
So you are perfectly happy attacking one of the few government authorized activities actually in the Constitution, but you are ignoring a whole raft of others ones that are much more important?
;)
You don't get out much do you?
Nope to busy on FR ;)
I'll vote for you. :o)
This guy reminds me of the time I asked my Aunt why she
likes to listen to Howard Stern. Her reply was "He's a
genius!".
I know he's joking... but I'd vote for him in the primaries.
Hmmm.
Needs to revise a bit:
Privatize the Post Office. Implement the Fair Tax (I only have a dozen guns myself so I don't have enough dependents for his program...). Treat the border with Mexico as a border with a hostile country (which it is). Cut "higher education" off the Federal Teat.
I still vote for him, though.
This and the elimination of the IRS and DoE gets my vote!
I would keep the Postal Srvice. I think it's still a good deal to stick a stamp on an envelope, drop it in the mailbox, and more times than not it gets delivered properly. Amazing.
LOL!
I get to wear the watch during the campaign!
Squantos needs to wash his shirt.
*snicker*
"1. The United States Postal Service. Put simply, the cost of a stamp and the percentage of “lost mail” should be inversely related. For years, the Postal Service has had this backwards. Their period of probation has, in my view, expired. Therefore, they will be eliminated. This should make the folks at UPS very happy. "
I am taking a Labor Relations course in school. Get ready for this one. There are 210,000 outstanding worker grievances by the union against management. There are 8 full time departments created just to handle grievances. This costs the American taxpayer 200,000,000 dollars per year.
Vote for Rick "a fence is a silly idea" Perry? One Lying Grandma? Kinky Friedman???????
Hell no. I'm voting for Eaker too.
"If he's tough enough to take an exploding gun, he's tough enough for Texas"!
You're on the right track but you don't go far enough. The horse is already out of the barn. The freedom infringing laws are in place and citizens and LEO's are used to them. Many people have lived for so long with them that they think it's normal and might even be dangerous if all the damage from federal meddling were reversed.
So my proposal is that federal highway funds will continue to be doled out for a couple more decades, but with a twist. To qualify, a state must return their laws to the level they were at before federal incentives were in place. For example, if a state had a seat belt law before the feds started paying for it, they can keep it because they wanted it themselves. But, if they enacted one after the feds started paying, and it's been in effect for 25 years, then they must repeal it and leave it repealed for 25 years, to reverse the brainwashing effect the law may have had on the LEO's and citizens in the state. Once they have had a chance to see the real cost/benefit ratio of the law, they can put one back in place if they want it, but no money taken from the citizens of the state will be used to brainwash them and coerce their legislators. The same would apply to BAL limits, speed limits, helmet laws, etc. Note that any state where the political will existed to do this before federal meddling could keep the laws they enacted, this would just be a way to undo all the damage that's been done by the feds.
i disagree with point 2. you can't get rid of the ATF.. they would make great border patrol agents.
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