C'mon kid! Tell me your name so I can tell your mother.
Modern day Abbot and Costello
ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I
Want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,three
and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you
have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do
you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for
The moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash.
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere?
Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?Oh,
well. Hello, Computer Support Group. Can I help you?