Bye-bye baby (Childfree and Loving It)

Telegraph ^ | February 26, 2006 | Julia Llewellyn Smith

[beaversmom]

Fascinating research suggests that as many as one in five thirtysomething British women is planning a child-free future.

When Jemma North was eight years old she had an epiphany. 'At school, someone's mum was pregnant. All the other little girls were really excited, but all I could think was, "You go through all that and all you have at the end of it is a baby?" I decided then that I would never have children.'

Of course, Jemma's pronouncement was dismissed, much as if she'd announced a plan to be a circus clown. But today, aged 32, married and surrounded by peers who are starting families, she is as adamant about her choice as ever. Yet everyone from family to complete strangers is constantly telling her: 'You'll change your mind.' If they do take her seriously, they warn her: 'You'll regret it.' It infuriates her.

'I don't want children, my husband doesn't want them and we're happy as we are,' she insists. 'The only thing that makes me unhappy is people questioning my decision all the time.'

In our society few objects attract greater pity than the childless woman. She is, we assume, old, unfulfilled, shallow, emotionally damaged, out of touch with the greatest truths of the universe. Almost daily, headlines warn about thirtysomething career women risking heartbreak by delaying pregnancy. Couples spend thousands of pounds to endure the physical and mental ordeal of IVF.

Yet for Jemma, who works for an engineering firm in Northampton, such a vision had no power to frighten. 'I am more put off by the image of being a mother,' she tells me. 'I'm not saying mothers are stupid, because, of course, a lot are far more intelligent than me, but that was my early impression. It seemed to be the thing you did if you had no other ambition.'

Jemma is far from alone. According to the Office of National Statistics, one in five British women in their thirties has decided not to have children. And it may be that a number of these have had less choice in the matter than they thought. Geneticists at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute in Cambridge have demonstrated in mice that mutations on a certain gene can cause mothers to neglect their offspring. The same gene also exists in humans.

But whatever the social or genetic forces that play upon us, becoming a mother is still seen as a defining moment. Magazines are full of celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow gushing about how her Oscar means nothing compared to the delights of changing Apple's nappy. In contrast, rare are the voices of women such as the actress Helen Mirren, who has admitted: 'I didn't have that desire to be a mother and I don't think a lot of women do. A lot are pressured into it and they're miserable.' And whenever such comments are voiced, they are usually drowned out by a clamour of disapproval and disbelief.

'Oh, I am fed up of having to justify myself on this subject!' explodes Nicki Defago, a 39-year-old married and childfree (to use her preferred jargon) broadcast journalist. She is the author of Childfree and Loving It!, a book written after she discovered Amazon offered more than 1,000 tomes about what children eat but none about the advantages of childlessness.

'When you say you don't want children, you get the same reaction you'd have got 20 years ago if you said you were gay,' Nicki continues. 'I imagine it's a bit like you must feel if you don't go to church in America. A big section of society is appalled at the notion that there are ladies who don't want to have a baby, and quite a lot of people aren't judgemental but still just can't get it.'

Until I started researching this article, I confess, I fell firmly in the latter camp. Aware of the devastation children would wreak on my carefree life, I nonetheless always hoped to have them. So fundamental was this desire that I was sceptical of women who claimed they didn't want children. As far as I was concerned, they were just trying to put a brave face on the fact that they were unable to conceive, or had never found the right man, or had been bludgeoned by their partner into agreeing not to have them.

Nicki doesn't see it that way. 'You get a far better reception if you tell people you tried and couldn't have children, than if you tell them you don't want them,' she corrects me. But why are people who, for example, are supportive of gay rights, unable to get their heads round the idea that not everyone wants to breed?

Nicki thinks it is because the issue of children 'goes so deeply. A high percentage of us now think there's no God and if you add to that there's no need to reproduce then what on earth is it all for? Choosing not to have children gets to the heart of all those big issues.'

Existential questions apart, much of the debate seems to be fuelled by a baser jealousy. However much they love their children, most parents still yearn for aspects of their old lives.

To see a childless friend enjoying the orderliness, extra cash and spontaneity they have lost, with no apparent sense of 'missing out', can be horribly undermining. Recently the 53-year-old model Marie Helvin explained that her youthful looks were down to a life of no children and, therefore, no stress - a comment that sent a visceral pang through every mother slathering Touche Eclat on her eyebags.

'I know one father of small children who's always saying things like, "Ooh, it's not fair, you are going on holiday next week, we have to go in the school holidays,"' says Jemma North. 'He doesn't seem to appreciate that it's not a question of fairness, that I made a decision to live like this.'

For Regan Forrest, 30, a museums exhibit organiser from Leicester, the downside of children starts with conception. 'I'm uncomfortable with the physical changes of pregnancy and labour,' she admits. 'In my twenties I had body image issues. I've learnt to put up with that but the idea of putting your body through an unknown process is completely terrifying. The turning-point came at a work dinner when a colleague started going on about how his wife had disembowelled herself during labour,' she recalls.

'My partner's a doctor and the obstetric part of his training completely repulsed him. I'd never want him to be repulsed by me.'Equally daunting was the prospect of combining her career with childcare. 'I like to give my career 100 per cent. I don't think I could do the at-home mum thing.'

To parents, such misgivings may seem narcissistic and defeatist. But, Regan retorts, 'I'm demonstrating a degree of self-awareness. I may be selfish but at least I'm not going to let my selfishness affect another person. Anyway, what could be more selfish than propagating your genes? People say that on a biological level that is what we are here to do, but as a species we have transcended our biology. We don't live in caves any more and we don't need to breed.'

Like all women I spoke to, Regan is unconvinced by the arguments in favour of parenthood - the almost transcendent love you feel for children, the joy of watching them develop. 'Maybe women like us are mentally deficient,' says Regan. 'But we're so lucky to be born at this point in history. In the past, I'm sure, women felt like us, but they didn't have a choice.'

The polarity between the two camps could not be sharper. When I told friends who are mothers, or hope to be, about this article, they repeatedly said that - while intellectually respecting the position of the childless - emotionally they found it completely alien. Similarly, child-free women are politely disbelieving when they listen to friends describe a yearning for babies that is almost like a physical ache.

'I'd love to be sympathetic when I hear about women breaking their hearts trying to get IVF, but I can't. It's the opposite of what I feel,' says Anne-Marie Greenslade, 28, a mental-health worker from Warrington, Cheshire. 'I must look so callous when they're telling me, but I can't help it. I simply can't imagine being in their position.'

And there are compelling statistics to back up Anne-Marie's decision. Surveys show that people who choose not to have children (as opposed to those who desperately want them, but can't) tend to have better marriages, better finances and are no more likely to be unhappy in old age than parents.

Alison Townley, 55, a civil servant from Glasgow, toyed with the idea of becoming a mother in her twenties because it was what society expected of her, but felt unable to take the plunge. Today she has no regrets. 'The anguish I was warned about simply isn't there, which surprised me but in a wonderful way. My husband and I revel in our freedom and we resent implications that our life somehow has no purpose. When people have children they seem to give up on their own aspirations and pass the buck on to the next generation. I love the idea that I can still achieve my potential, rather than foisting all my hopes on some other sap.'

[bella1]

Here in the U.S., there seems to be a trend amoung the younger generation to have more children. This is indeed good news. I myself fell into the belief that it is better to have a small family. I have two children. Now, at age 47 I regret that decision. I wish I would have had more. But I am heartened that the younger generation are having three and four children and are also returning to their Christian roots more than their parents. I for one am encouraging my children to have more than just two. Family is the most important thing; not jobs, homes, vacations, toys etc. On another encouraging note, here in the U.S., the conservative women have more children than their liberal counteparts; this is a win-win situation.

P.S. Islam and behavior are not always compatible.

[MaDeuce]

Sorry Cincinatus,

Your post was the last one and I just clicked on it cause I had to post fast before getting ready for work.

I myself get steamed by people saying "why don't you have kids". Its like "why do the Hell do I have to explain it to you" is my additude when asked this or read story about this.

[Warren_Piece]

Your post is so over the top, I struggled with whether or not to reply, thinking I'd be made a fool of if it were a joke. I've decided to take that risk.

You obviously are not a Christian, because your point of view about God and eternity more closely mirrors the Judaic or Muslim point of view.

You were not made to languish in misery and self-pity. You were not fashioned to be racked with guilt, or struggle with pain. You were not born to always struggle, never rest.

You were born to fly! You were made to run in Lofty circles, to sit at the table with the Highest and Mightiest.

And as my grandma would say, you are not ugly, because "God don't do ugly". Even in your post, I see a good heart, a kind spirit that is simply broken. As we all are.

You don't have to follow any set of rules to spend eternity in Heaven - just accept the real "gift". That's it. I hope you find out more about the gift. Many here will help you find it.

[arizonarachel]

What a cute baby! I want to pinch his little face. :-)

[arizonarachel]

I must be completely honest here - I once thought of myself as one of those people (and so did my husband.) We decided that we were never having children because they were messy, annoying, and would wreck our relationship and all our nice expensive stuff (and house.)

Then something amazing happened...God blessed us with a pregnancy. After the intial shock and fear, we both fell in love with who we thought would be our little boy, Nicholas Christopher. One month after we found out about him, I had a miscarriage and he was gone. He will forever be in our hearts as the child who changed our minds about having children - now I can't wait to have one.

I'm not saying everyone would feel the same way we did..my husband and I are Christians, and would never even think to end a pregnancy out of our own power. I have a feeling the majority of these women in the article don't believe in God or Jesus, and would not have a problem terminating their pregnancy. Actually, when I considered myself 'childfree,' women on a website would refer to their accidental pregnancies as 'parasites.' I could never do that myself, but for some women, that's what they are.

I have never felt love for another person like I felt for Nicholas, and I can't wait until I can hold a baby that's both a part of myself and my husband.

Never say never. :-)

[Gritty]

These self-centered navel gazers are stuck on one note, me-me-me!

It's probably good these hedonists are not having children. The kids would be neglected and abused.

[Puddleglum]

Translation - let someone else's kid pay outrageous taxes to support me when I'm old and miserable.

[ElTianti]

Matthew 7:13-14 (King James Version)
13Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

14Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%207:13-14&version=9;

[TheDon]

Illegals in the US, as opposed to those in Europe, are not going to bring Sharia law in a few decades.

[Paulus]

You don't know that... I could easily say that in a few decads you all will be slaves for the MS13 illegals.

[Atlas Sneezed]

Folks, if child rearing is so great, people will naturally choose it. Four out of five generally do.

But what is annoying is that the pro-child folks can't be content with their choice. They seem prone to call those who opt not: "selfish", when they are similarly making their own choice of what they want most for themselves for their lives.

And when it comes to self-absorption, one could make a case that generating a mini-replica to carry on one's legacy after you are gone ranks pretty high.

Finally, let's lose the moronic notion that the desire to have children is genetically heritable. The occasional urge not to breed will not be bred out of the race. Anyone who hypothesizes otherwise may start by explaining the ongoing existence of homosexuality throughout human existence.

[Atlas Sneezed]

You think that people who are disinclined to reproduce should do so anyway to fight your political or religious battles?

[Atlas Sneezed]

So people who choose a different alternative than you are "immature"? Hmmm.

[Atlas Sneezed]

Wouldn't you like to see the women quoted in the article repeat their statements while hooked to a polygraph...I suspect that a large part of it is crapola, er..phony justification..

---

If they disagree with your life choices, then they must be lying? Hmmm....

[Atlas Sneezed]

I think she may regret it in a few years when she can no longer have the choice to have her own children.

---

Mrs. B. (whose preference not to have children I share) has asked all the older women among her friends and family who do not have children if they regret it. Most say no, one says, "a little, sometimes". Lots of the ladies who have had children have profound regrets about that choice.

[Old_Mil]

She is a 46 year old orthodontist who hates children. She fulfills any needs by having relatives with children come visit her then she sends them home. I think she may regret it in a few years when she can no longer have the choice to have her own children.

She may not have realized it yet, but she's already several years past that point. The rate of birth defects in children born to a 46 year old woman vs. a 26 year old woman is astronomically high. That is a figure which begins to creep upward at 35.

[Atlas Sneezed]

We have made similar choices, but would probably feel the same if fate affected us as it did you.

[Antoninus]

Bye-bye baby (Childfree and Loving It)

I say, Bye-bye Britain. Hello Londonistan.

If the Brits won't reproduce, you can bet their Muslim friends already living there will more than make up for them.

[Campion]

And when it comes to self-absorption, one could make a case that generating a mini-replica to carry on one's legacy after you are gone ranks pretty high

I doubt very much you're a parent, or you wouldn't make such a ridiculous statement.

A society in which a significant number of people decide that reproduction is "optional," and an "option" they can do without, is doomed. That's not even debatable, unless you like to argue with mathematics. (Hint: mathematics always wins.)

That's why we call it selfish. It is selfish; it's eating your economic seed corn today so you can get good and fat, never mind the fact that there will be nothing to plant in the spring and you will starve next winter.

For a time, a society can artificially prop up its standard of living by refusing to bear, feed, raise and educate the next generation. But that only lasts so long, doesn't it.

Folks, if child rearing is so great, people will naturally choose it. Four out of five generally do.

The fertility rates in Spain, Italy, and Japan are something like 1.2 kids per woman, and going down. You do the math. 2.1 kids per woman is required just to replace the population.

[Antoninus]

Surveys show that people who choose not to have children (as opposed to those who desperately want them, but can't) tend to have better marriages, better finances and are no more likely to be unhappy in old age than parents.

I'd reckon they're also much more likely to lie in order to justify their foolish youthful decision. I'd be willing to bet that they are also: more likely to seek psychiatric help at some point in their life; more likely to commit suicide; more likely to be in a nursing home at an earlier age.