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I think- that externalizing it like that is not a bad idea. But I'll call mine 'Herbie' it sounds less threatening. The temptation to withdraw - you put yur finger on it there! You sure know what this is about. Thanks.

Thinking of your "predestination" and "personal responsibility" statements makes me recall a mystical experience. I saw clearly that believing predestination and free will are either/or is an artifact of our "seeing as through a glass, darkly" as the Apostle put it.

As is wisely said, all things are possible with God - even total individual freedom of action and God's knowledge of all you are and all that you do from birth to death and beyond. He knew you before the beginning of time and will know you after the end of time. He is the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega, and infinitely more.

Also you may be bipolar. Suggest you consider this possibility. Recurrent and long term depression are typical. Lamatrogine and carbamazepine and other anticonvulvsives can be a miracle, I mean that literally, as in "What hath God wrought?"