Posted on 01/15/2006 8:19:26 AM PST by SmithL
Much to the delight of people who appreciate legalistic stupidity, the winner of the Wacky Warning Label Contest was announced last week.
This competition, in its ninth year, is sponsored by a Detroit organization called Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. As the name suggests, its goal is to spotlight the bizarre, ridiculous and confusing warning labels found on consumer products.
The 2006 champ was the label that came with a 1,000-degree industrial heat gun, admonishing users not to attempt drying their hair with it.
Second place went to this cautionary note on kitchen cutlery: "Never try to catch a falling knife." Third was the clarification on a cocktail napkin sketch of waterways near Hilton Head, S.C.: "Not to be used for navigation."
All solid entries, for certain.
But trust your Uncle Litigation. You don't need to wait for the winners to be announced every January. All you gotta do is visit your nearest retail store and peruse the thousands of labels on display.
I am a veteran in this regard - to the point that my wife gets vexed when we go grocery shopping. She claims I dawdle.
I can't help it. Just about every time I pick up an item and read the fine print, I bust out laughing. By the time I've worked my way down the first aisle, Mary Ann is headed for the checkout.
Here are some of my best finds. Allow me to stress that I am not making any of this up. Indeed, I hold the products (or labels) in my hand as we speak.
Can you spell "contradiction"? Then check out the can of Ronsonol cigarette lighter fluid that cautions, "Do not use near flame or fire."
Huh? Then how does it work? Are you supposed to douse two Marlboros with fluid and rub them together?
Another classic is a 1-ounce bottle of McCormick Imitation Brandy Extract. I stress the word "imitation" here because the first entry on the ingredient list is "alcohol, 35 percent." Meaning this fake brandy stuff is 70-proof.
Other labels fall under the "Why Didn't I Think of That?" category. Like this gem from a Wahl multi-barrel hair dryer: "Never use while sleeping."
Or the Renegade Pro Series fishing lure, outfitted with not one, but two, treble hooks, each point honed to needle-sharpness: "Do not place the product in your mouth." (Yeah, I know. I hate it when that happens.)
Or the Mabis Health Care rectal thermometer that warns, "Do not use a rectal thermometer to take an oral temperature." (I assume this is a mistake you make only once.)
In the "Oh, So That's How To Use It!" division, it's hard to beat Dial soap's detailed directions: "Wet bar with water, lather vigorously and wash skin, rinse and dry thoroughly."
But for covering 100 percent of the bases, legal and culinary, my favorite is Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce, which bills itself as "the original hottest sauce in the universe."
Here, verbatim from the label, is how to use it: "A great cooking ingredient for sauces, soups and stews. Also strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains. Enjoy!"
Consider yourself warned.
I wonder if MacDonald's coffee now carries a warning about putting it between your legs.
"Warning: May cause vaginal scaring."
WARNING: May cause penile dysfunction if exposed to hot fluid.
"Warning: May cause vaginal scaring."
That's one of those typos that opens up a whole realm of possibilities that I'm "scared" to explore.
I wonder if MacDonald's coffee now carries a warning about putting it between your legs.>>>
I know a couple of college students who need that label....
I'm thinking of suing the sunshade industry for insulting my intelligence.
You just know that behind every one of the warnings, someone did it and sued.
Did you ever see the one on the clothes iron that warns against ironing clothes while wearing them!
Some people are just too stupid to live.
L
That's one of those typos that opens up a whole realm of possibilities that I'm "scared" to explore.
You mean you've never heard the tiny vaginal voices screaming "Eek!"?
"I know a couple of college students who need that label...."
I'm also scared to ask what that's about.
"You mean you've never heard the tiny vaginal voices screaming "Eek!"?"
Well, only when I unmask my...no, no, not going there.
Naturally they have the obligatory warnings for the TERMINALLY STOO-PID, keep away from fire and flames and children. Oh and don't eat or drink them either.
Pet Peeve #1 Instructions and warnings written in five languages that take up the entire box and the English version hidden as a simple three or four word statement. It's like finding a needle in the garment district.
Great now we get ID checks at the spice rack.....:o)
I find the cautions on fireworks made in China a hoot, such as: "No light inside", "Caution: Explosive", "Will cause fire", and "Keep away from flame." What's the point in buying them?
No, but I think a label that read, "Too hot for Human Consumption. Let cool before drinking." would have been appropriate at the time of the infamous incident.
You HAVE?
Some directions on irons say " Do not iron clothes while on your body " Believe it or not the reason for the warning is that people actually got burned just doing that !
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