Posted on 01/15/2006 4:55:00 AM PST by Excuse_My_Bellicosity
She mops up spilled juice with your favorite T-shirt, and then she makes you go shopping in the pouring rain. Let's face it, she's the wife from hell--but you still love her.
Sound familiar?
It should. This "mean wife, happy marriage" scenario has become a fad. When one man in a similar relationship began writing a blog about his experiences with his nasty wife, his account struck such a chord with readers that it's now been turned into a book and a TV drama series. He and his wife, it seems, are far from the only ones whose relationship thrives on the wife's selfishness--as 34-year-old Mina would no doubt agree.
Mina (not her real name) does Internet-related work at home and has been married to her 42-year-old husband for 12 years. "Why don't you ever wave goodbye to me anymore? Why don't we ever talk anymore?" she asked him one day.
"Actually, I'm the one who stopped waving goodbye," she admits with a laugh. And the reason they've stopped talking is because Mina's become deeply involved with her daughter's extracurricular activities.
But Mina was the one who began feeling angry. To let out her frustrations she began to use her hubby as a metaphorical punching bag. "When I take it out on my husband, I feel much better and forget what I got so wound up about," she says.
As Mina became busier, the house got messy and she cut down on the time she spent cooking. But her husband never complains. "He knows I would just tell him off if he did," she says.
After patiently letting Mina get things off her chest, the husband once said: "Pretend you've been tricked into cleaning the house. You'll calm down a bit." She did. When she cleaned the house and saw how nice it looked, her frustrations went away.
"He actually analyzes me very objectively," Mina says.
For all her flaws, the two behave like a couple in love. On weekends, they shop together or watch their son's baseball games. On birthdays, they buy each other presents.
Masanori (not his real name) is another man happy with his wife, even though he says his friends think she's mean. The 34-year-old Tokyo-based designer has been married for three years. When he told his 32-year-old wife, who works with him, that he wanted to buy a new computer for work, she insisted they buy a refrigerator at a later date and they ended up saving money for that instead.
His wife has a mug that cost 3,000 yen. Masanori's cost 1,000 yen. "Mine is more expensive," she brags. But her husband has no problem with her attitude. "I get really angry when it comes to work matters, but at home, things don't really bother me," he says.
In fact, the wife is very protective of her slim, quiet husband. "If someone picks a fight with you, just keep your distance," she often says. "If something happens to you, I'll go fight your battles."
Masanori is more than willing to do as she says. "My wife is a very determined woman," he says. "I have no complaints."
The blog that triggered the phenomenon is titled "Oni-yome Nikki" (The true story of my devil wife) and was started four years ago by a 33-year-old company employee from Fukuoka who calls himself "Kazuma."
Readers don't need to look far to find examples of the kind of behavior that inspired him. "When I had a cold, she made me sleep under the kotatsu (heated table) because she didn't want to catch my cold," he writes of his 33-year-old wife. "When I came home soaking wet, she made me strip naked by the front door because she didn't want me to get the floor wet."
These online entries received so many hits and attracted so much attention that the contents were published in a book last July. The blog was also made into a TV sitcom with the same title last fall.
"Times have really changed, I think, for this kind of relationship to be featured in a drama series," says Kazuma. "If men in similar situations feel better thinking that at least they're better off than me, I'm happy with that."
People often wonder why he doesn't just break up with this "devil" woman. "I would much rather see my wife happy than make her angry and create a hostile environment," he says.
While the drama series was aired from October to December, its official Web site often received e-mail from people in similar situations.
"I'm a devil wife myself," writes a woman in her 20s. "I say whatever I want to my kind husband and live a happy life. Of course, we are totally in love."
"I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry," runs a message from a man in his 30s. "(My wife) was kind to me before we got married, but now she is quite the devil."
"My mother acts like the female lead," writes a teenage girl. "She forces my father to exchange her favorite ramen ingredients with his, and takes his money and blows 80,000 yen in one shopping spree."
Nonfiction writer Yuki Ishikawa expects the number of tyrannical women to increase. "There are more and more wives who brag about giving their husbands instant food instead of home-cooked meals, justifying their actions as giving their husbands what the husbands want," she says. "I feel like devil wives are innocent in a way, but immature. In the past, there were more women who wanted their husbands to give them attention. But now, many women look for husbands who let them get away with doing little around the house, getting together with friends or going for beauty treatments. I think this change in mindset will increase in the future."
Freelance writer Chihiro Fujiwara, 38, interviewed almost 100 self-described selfish wives and their husbands, and published a book on her findings in early November through Ameba Books Ltd.
When a friend of hers who was making an effort to be a good wife was suddenly served with divorce papers, Fujiwara wondered why that happened at a time when selfish wives were doing whatever they wanted and yet were loved and happy.
As she began interviewing people, she noticed a pattern. "There are no hard feelings because the women immediately tell their husbands whatever is bothering them," she says. "And when their wives demand money from their husbands, the men seem to feel glad that they're needed and are making their wives happy."
Fujiwara herself has been married for seven years. She used to keep her frustrations to herself. But she began telling her husband how she felt. "My husband was surprised at first because he had no idea what I was thinking, but he became kind. When I hinted that I wanted a pair of boots, he bought me a pair and was very happy about it."
"Society as a whole is still dominated by men, so if men ruled at home as well, it would be nasty," says comic book writer Mayumi Kurata. "I think it brings balance to society when women have control in the home.
"Devil wives who can spontaneously be selfish and ask for whatever they want are talented, in a way. Some husbands are happy being ordered around because it's easier to be told what to do. They also love getting all that attention from their wives. But this relationship style is different from the so-called weekend-only marriages and separated couples. I think married couples just need to find a relationship style that suits them."(IHT/Asahi: January 14,2006)
LOL!!!
We call that looking for a nurse with a purse.
HOTD - no harm, no foul.
To do what? To keep MY promise? No, that only takes one. To make for a happy couple? Yep, that takes two.
Sometimes, regardless of what YOU do, your spouse is incorrigible.
Totally agree. You're absolutely right. To say that all marriage problems are 50-50 is just a lazy myth, on the same level as saying that all rape victims "were asking for it."
Are you saying someone should stay miserable?
The least that I'm saying is that, if you promise to honor the bonds of marriage for better, for worse, then you should keep your promise. Otherwise, you'd better include an "unless you don't make me as happy as I think I should be" clause.
More of what I think, since you ask:
THE least-heard marriage truth
"Marriage is not really about happiness"
Dan
Amen to that Joe
you had me at leg sweep
:P
No, I didn't ask. Don't know, don't care, DAN.
I'd be very interested in your culture, not to mention your world view. Please share, if you're willing.
But I might be more of a 'romantic' type. I would like to think romance can be kept alive.
In some ways it can. But it's very different than the dating years. In my culture, I worry about single girls who are the "romantic" type, though--I've seen way to many boys who are expert at creating circumstances that look an awful lot like "fate". One in particular, who really opened my eyes, would meet a girl, and then tell me the predicted interval before he would get her into bed. Whether he predicted a few days or a few weeks, he would usually be right (per the girl's own admission, not his boasting). When he moved on to the next one, the last one was always dazed and bewildered, and couldn't understand how "true love" had passed so quickly...
That guy got me into big trouble, once. One of the few times I ever got intoxicated, I met a girl from another town at a party. She was extremely attractive, and in our conversation I told her all about this guy, who had moved away. Her friends kept telling me, "Dude, shut up!" but I didn't pay any attention. Finally one of them blurted out, "You realize that she's his girlfriend, right?" Still drunk, of course, I looked her up and down, and said, "Ah. Yes, I can see that she would be."
You did her a favor...
Oh, I didn't know she had one for men, too. I should buy both, and my wife and I can read them both. Sounds interesting. Thanks!
Your #182 asked me a question, after a rather slanderous, ignorant snipe. Do you prefer to remain ignorant, in public? Did I touch a nerve?
Besides, I think you've been here long enough to be able to read and interpret the "To" part of posts better than that.
Dan
Maybe I should take lessons from you. ;) Thanks for sharing all that.
Pretty much, she had me at leg sweep too.
;^)
What do you think Ann Coulter would be like as a wife? I admire her as a commentor and thinker, but would hate to think what she'd be like as a spouse.
Same goes for younger men with older women who aren't the 'mommy' type. :o)
So how old are you that you have such a jaded view of relationships/marriage/love? :o)
Yep, I figured I'd get a reply from somebody in the bible-thumper death-before-divorce crowd.
I've been trying to work through the comments that have been posted among you gents--not easy, considering I started backward. I could make a lot of comments in favor of saving a marriage and, surprisingly enough, I could make many comments in favor of dissolving a marriage. I won't do either. The only comment I wish to make is in regard to the above-posted statement, particularly the use of the moniker "bible-thumper." In my mind, that zeroes in on the very point that too many good folks overlook: First and foremost, a marriage is a promise to God. Not your spouse--God. Not just a little promise, either. Before breaking that promise, one should make absolutely certain that there is no chance at all--NONE--that the marriage can be salvaged. Just my 2c. And before I am reminded that "Well I didn't ask for your 2c," I'd like to point out that this is an open forum, and this thread has not been carried on via FReepmail.
Everyone's year off to a good start?
I didn't realize we were debating. But it's a tad more than a perspective difference; my observation has predictive power. It helps explains why so many girls say, in retrospect, "Why didn't I realize he was such a jerk!" But if you don't want to pursue it further, that's OK.
So how old are you that you have such a jaded view of relationships/marriage/love? :o)
Late thirties, and happily married with a five-year-old son. I tend to think a factor in the "happily" part is my realistic attitude... and here you are calling it "jaded"! 8-)
Nope, but I have pushed the limits at times just to make sure he's man enough to not be pushed around. lol
At 28 I was in the same exact boat. All my friends were married and several already had kids. I was still partying it up. I had resigned myslef to the fact that I was just going to stay a bachelor and screw bar bimbos (which wasn't a terrible life but it got old after a while). I held out till just a couple weeks shy of 37. My wife is 24. My friends tell me I played my cards pretty good. I like to think so as well.
The 12.5 year age difference between me and my wife may seem odd but in all honesty, most of the people I work with think I am 10 years younger than I really am. 28 isn't that old. You have plenty of time to find the right woman. Don't be in a hurry. That's the great thing about being a man. We can bide our time.
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