I can relate to the rudeness and intrusiveness she mentions.
I too, am childless due to certain circumstances in how my life has played out (and not necessarily how I wanted them to) and it doesn't make me a liberal, a lesbian or anything else. I am very much NOT any of those things.
And I hate the ever-present "Do you have kids?" question and the "Why?" that follows when I answer in the negative. I consider that my own business and will tell people with whom I feel close.
I am an "aunt" to many of my friends' children and adore playing with them or babysitting them. But the fact that I don't have children does not make me some weirdo or conversation piece.
I have a couple of other friends in the same boat for their own various reasons and they feel just the same way.
Thanks for posting that.
Me too.
My guess is liberal. Like I said not everyone wants kids and/or cut out to have them and there's nothing wrong with that but I think it's normal for people to inquire about such. I understand that some people get too nosy--they can do that about a lot of different subjects. I might ask someone a question about how many kids they have and depending on their answer won't go any further than that. Usually I know that they have one and am curious if they have any more.
Preach it, sister!
Exactly...why do people seem to have a problem with that?
Dear Allegra,
"Do you have kids?" is a pretty reasonable question, especially when you first make someone's acquaintance. It's part of, "Are you married?", "Are you from around here? Oh, you did? Where did you go to school?" and that sort of stuff.
"Why?" is a touchier question. Folks shouldn't ask it.
The problem is, it's a natural follow-up. It's kinda like the first question drives you at 50 mph toward the cliff, and not to ask "why?" is to bring things to a screeching halt before you go over the cliff.
Before we had children (rather late for our social group and family), we'd simply answer with a smile, "It just hasn't turned out that way!"
With folks who weren't really rude, it usually ended the conversation.
sitetest
How about jail terms for rudeness? Or maybe 30 lashes for annoying you? Better yet, you might try prozac. That will calm you down.
Ain't that the truth. Me too.
:-)
How are you Allegra? I haven't talke to you in an age!
Sister!
I've had the same idiot question asked over and over....
Even had a lecture once from someone I barely knew about if I didn't have children, I'd die old and alone (thankyouverymuch idiot!)
Mine situation was due to a prolonged illness and subsequent surgery. Heck, I'm happy to be alive. Geez louise.
Great post, Allegra. I could have written your post and I know many others who could have also.
I don't at all mind the questions "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" as long as people leave it there when I answer in the negative. But if it's followed by a "why?" query I do think that's intrusive and none of their business, just as it's none of my business to ask someone who has children why they had as many as they did, or why they didn't have more, or why in the world they married who they did, etc.
Beaversmom, your post #1 is really awful. Judgmental and sanctimonious in the worst way. In addition, there is nothing whatsoever political about the letter the woman wrote to Dear Abby, but -- not unlike Pat Robertson's remarks about Ariel Sharon -- you chose to insert the worst form of right-wing political bigotry into the story you posted.
Some people simply are not destined to have children for whatever reason. Would you say the same things about Rush Limbaugh because he consciously has decided not to have children?
There are plenty of people in this world who make babies, but who should never be parents. Making babies takes no special qualifications or abilities. And, since you don't appear to have noticed, people of all political persuasians can make babies.
Better that a person recognizes he or she isn't parenting material and so decides not to make babies than the other way around. And no, this is most definitely NOT a selfish decision. I would argue the other way around, that it is a selfless decision, especially knowing the mindless societal pressure to have kids that a person who choose not to must endure.
Hey....i have 3 beautiful daughters - take your pick or take them all....really!
I sympathize with you. I am also childless due to circumstances beyond my control (I would have had children if I could). Several years ago I made peace with this when I accepted that it was not God's will for me to have children, but oh my gosh--save me from all the busybodies out there that think have to be miserable and selfish not to have children. Don't get me started. . .
I agree with you 100 percent Allegra. I am also a childless women, although I have helped to raise more kids than one woman could bear in 10 lifetimes.
I also have had rude, nosy people ask me that question over several decades.
Can you imagine me walking up to an almost stranger, coworker, or acqaintance (with five kids) and asking "When are you going to STOP having kids"?
Whether or not to have kids (or not being able to bear them) is a personal thing and I resent having these people asking me such personal questions.
Like you, I am NOT a lesbian, NOT a liberal, and I believe common courtesy and politeness should be practiced.