Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.
In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''
My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?
Childless and happy in Texas
(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...
Dear linda_22003,
"We pay a lot for other people's future, including about $4000 a year out of our property taxes for public schools we don't use and never will."
Well, although your use is indirect, you do receive significant value to live in a society where most folks have basic literacy and can work in a high-tech, high-productivity society. Your standard of living would be directly decreased if most folks were illiterate. Thus, at least part of what you pay gives present value.
"We have our own savings and investments, and don't have Social Security as part of our retirement planning. In fact, we CAN plan for retirement because of all the money we saved on tuitions, summer camps, music lessons, and other child-related expenditures."
Yet, the value of your investments, on which you will depend in your golden years, would decline if the next generation didn't go to work in the businesses in which you directly and indirectly have investments. Thus, folks who have children are contributing future workers to the society, without which, national wealth would decline precipitously.
sitetest
I don't think those things add up to selfishness or taking from the future; naturally, though, I am distraught that you, a complete stranger, do not approve of the decisions my husband and I make together. We should have taken your opinions into consideration, of course. ;)
One risks opening up a huge can of worms if somebody has gone through an abortion, a miscarriage (or perhaps several), infertility, loss of child, etc.
Beaversmom, your post #1 is really awful. Judgmental and sanctimonious in the worst way. In addition, there is nothing whatsoever political about the letter the woman wrote to Dear Abby, but -- not unlike Pat Robertson's remarks about Ariel Sharon -- you chose to insert the worst form of right-wing political bigotry into the story you posted.
Some people simply are not destined to have children for whatever reason. Would you say the same things about Rush Limbaugh because he consciously has decided not to have children?
There are plenty of people in this world who make babies, but who should never be parents. Making babies takes no special qualifications or abilities. And, since you don't appear to have noticed, people of all political persuasians can make babies.
Better that a person recognizes he or she isn't parenting material and so decides not to make babies than the other way around. And no, this is most definitely NOT a selfish decision. I would argue the other way around, that it is a selfless decision, especially knowing the mindless societal pressure to have kids that a person who choose not to must endure.
I can understand the "do you have kids?" question, but I simply don't understand why there would be any sort of "why not?" followup question.
Spot on.
It's vital that society maintain the expectation that people will mind their own business. Allowing rudeness to run rampant breaks down the rules of civilization that allow people to live in close proximity.
No, it is not "normal." It is prying.
I might ask someone a question about how many kids they have and depending on their answer won't go any further than that.
That's big of you. What's your normal practice, to subject people you meet to a third-degree interrogation?
Usually I know that they have one and am curious if they have any more.
You're not curious, you're nosy.
Dear linda_22003,
I don't think my post voiced any direct opinion about your choices. You'd posted that you and your husband were essentially taking care of yourselves, which is great. I merely pointed out that your ability to take care of yourselves nonetheless rests on the premise that enough folks have enough children that our social and economic infrastructure doesn't implode.
Your golden years wouldn't be so golden if most folks of your own age cohort decided to forego children.
sitetest
Oh, man. What a load of tripe.
Putting aside the dubious claim that what goes on in the government school system bears any relationship to "a society where most folks have basic literacy and can work in a high-tech, high-productivity society", this argument from externality simply doesn't make sense. If it did, then I would be justified in demanding that everyone who ever looks at my house must help pay to paint it.
And number one in this whole issue is that we all, in a free society have a right to live our lives as we choose, as long as it doesn't infringe on someone else's personal life.
Asking, badgering, being rude about someone's children, lack of children etc is infringing on their right to live their lives as they choose.
And most didn't. The Baby Boom had a quite sizable Echo Boom. And let me make clear that I don't for a moment object to our property taxes going to the schools; I agree with you that there's an important community investment in the future there. You should see all the people on these boards who DO object to paying those taxes, because THEY homeschool.
Not everyone has the self-confidence and gift of gab of a talk show host, for heaven's sake. There are millions of people in this world who are shy, or reserved, or who simply choose to keep their private lives private.
Of course it's very wise to wait for a suitable partner! And, yes, as a man, you do have more time. (My comment was about women who feel they can wait until their forties or so and be just as likely to get pregnant as when they were in their 20's.)
I appreciate your willingness to engage this discussion, but may I suggest something? I know you were just talking, but words do mean things and I think it creates (even unintentionally) a negative attitude to refer to the beautiful concept of becoming a father as "knocking up" a girl.
I know people talk like this, but it seems to me that you are a thoughtful person who does want to have children at the right time. It never hurts to make sure you view this event for what it really is and what you really want it to be: a wonderful and wondrous mystery by which you and your loved one create a human being that you are then privileged and responsible to raise.
I don't generally say "knock up" when referring to my future fatherhood. I was trying to make a point and be a bit blunt. My entire point was that it IS a beautiful thing, and to do it without having the right woman would be a bad thing. My use of the term was to accentuate that point.
Well, it's sad to think that all of us had the same interest in attempting to read about the "when if your baby due" and she's not pregnant thread..
You are right. When I am asked by strangers how many children do we have, I wonder how I should answer. Should I say 2 but one is in heaven or just one? It is a question asked to many people who have lost children. People get offended too easily.
I agree with her on the aspect that it's wrong for people she barely knows to ask her personal questions. I get that crap all the time, cause I'm so skinny. My usual response is "why are you so fat?"
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