I don't expect to hear back from the gentleman. Will post any response I get.
Congressman Billybob
Latest column on Newsbusters.org: "AP Poll Biased: Anti-Bush, Anti-Republican"
I posted a reply on C/NET similar to my earlier ones here (under the name Mark Wildman) and I am debating the author of the article now.
27th September 2001
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone.
During this three month period I have encountered an inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for you technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website… how?
I alleviated the boredom to some small extent by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The re-scheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later and my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived … a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%… these are usually the hours between 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollocks jugglers.
I have been informed that:
* A telephone is available (and someone will call me back)
* That no telephone is available (and someone will call me back)
* That I will transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off)
* That I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been re-directed to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed)
* That I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.. and several other variations on this theme.)
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, as it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print that to shout them as your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue:-
I though BT were shit, and that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that on-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are a sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me from the services which you have so far pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Yours psychotically,
... NOTE: Apologies to all