A VERY ANGST-RIDDEN MOVIE REVIEW (KING KONG) - DID I MENTION *FUNNY REVIEW*? GUT-BUSTINGLY FUNNY?

Well, having read all the reviews, perused the comments on many discussion groups, I was fairly well prepared to enjoy myself today when I went to see the new "Kong"...

The movie got off to a swell start - I actually liked the first one hour of the picture the best, as I think the re-creation of Depression-era NYC was excellent, and playing Al Jolson singing "I'm Sittin' on Top of the World" juxtaposed with breadlines was brilliant. (It was also an awesome tribute to the "World's Greatest Entertainer", the greatest American Pop Singer of all time - but I digress.)

Once we got to Skull Island, however, believability went right out the window. Let me take this blow by blow:

1. The ship would have been rent into pieces and sunk had it actually gone bouncing off of the rocks during a storm that had 50-foot waves slamming it around; the row boats would have been capsized and everyone in them drowned in such seas;

2. The area in front of the Gate and the Wall was simply not believable - it was on a narrow rocky outcrop with no vegetation - where the h*ll are the natives supposed to live, nevermind find food (since they are apparently too frightened to venture into the lush jungle on the other side anyways?)

3. In the looooooong time it took our heroes to fight the cannibals (before the Cap't came to the rescue) all would have been bludgeoned to death. I'm sorry, but Jack Black single handedly keeping a coupla dozen savages with spears away from killing him with Hulk-like strength was not believable. Ditto with Driscoll, looking every bit like the wimp that Ann earlier implied that he was.

4. Then (sadly) we get to the biggest disappointment of the film. Kong. Yes, Kong. Now, don't get me wrong. The special effects were impressive. The problem is that from this point on the movie turned into a Tom and Jerry cartoon, with the laws of gravity and physics apparently being permanently suspended, what with the 20-ton Kong and the V-Rexes bouncing off the rocks like fleas on a greyhound, being hung up in lianas that would have had to have been made of 30-inch Kevlar in order to hang them up in mid-air as they did.

And what about all of the bites to the biceps taken by Kong? Didn't see him wearing chain mail, and each one of those V-Rex teeth looked about 16 inches in length, still - no blood, much less torn flesh (or dismembered arms).

Note to future filmmakers: if you think we won't notice this kind of thing, you're mistaken. In that sense the first King Kong was more realistic - at least the creatures in that one, crude as they were, didn't assume supernatural powers as here.

Next, lets examine the truly amazing special effects of Ann being carried every which way by Kong. OK. Now a couple of questions? How come her ribs didn't fracture? How come her neck didn't snap from the whiplash or from being slammed into tree branches along the way? Her narrow escapes from the mouths of the various V-Rexes speak for themselves.

I am sorry, but if I want to see this kind of schlock I can rent Bugs Bunny where I am supposed to laugh at such shenanigans instead of realizing - two hours into the picture - that NO amount of "suspension of disbelief" that I can muster could possibly overcome the sheer impossibility and ludicrousness of what is going on.

A passing word on the "Brontosaurus Stampede"; no, I am not going to make comments about the musculature (or lack thereof) of these critters - that's been done before and frankly I could care less...but how about the critters stampeding at - what - 25, 30 MPH? How about only 4 guys being trampled to death and the majority of the others miraculously escaping unscathed after running for what seemed like an eternity dodging 10-foot wide Bronto-feet? And how about that "turn on a dime" Subaru AWD demonstrated by the Brontos when their momentum only carried a couple of them into the abyss, while the rest of them lithely piruetted a successful negotiation of that narrow, collapsing ridge?

Hey - I get it - maybe they're filled with Hydrogen like German Zeppelins of old, hence while they look like 50-ton beasts, they really only weigh 10,000 pounds, so they can do the "Henrietta Hippo" two-step right out of Fantasia?

This Kong only looked believable while sitting still. Once he started up he reminded me of Yoda's light-sabre fight with Count Dooku in Star Wars, what with all of the summersaulting and bouncing off the walls.

And how about the wonderful scene where the previously (self-admittedly) non-hero type cowardly leading actor of the 'movie within a movie' starts swinging on lianas while - one-handedly - shooting off his 30 caliber Browning Sub-Machine Gun with such precision that he slays a legion of assorted giant insects...what a man!! I guess he met up with Neo and took the green - or was it the red - pill since we saw him last!!

Or the young cabin boy, who (again self-admittedly) NEVER shot a rifle before, takes another .30 caliber Thompson's Sub-Machine Gun and - at point blank range - shoots about a dozen giant bugs off of Driscoll, all the while never even grazing him, although Driscoll is spending the entire time gyrating the Mamba as if his life depended on it (and also managing to avoid not only the large caliber machine gun bullets whizzing past every part of his body, but also the seemingly hungry jaws and long sharp claws of all of the giant crickets crawling all over him - do you think that, maybe, just maybe, they were only playing with him?)

And how about the natives, who scatter as the rescue party starts firing off their guns, and never again return? Where'd they all go? And where are all of the (presumed) dead bodies of the natives - unless of course the rescue party, [having just had a couple of their number brutally murdered by the savages, and having had Ann mysteriously kidnapped (X-Files-like) by a savage whose swimming skills apparently surpassed Johnny Weismuller's in order to enable him to first summersault between the rocks, and then swim in 30-foot seas with one arm around Ann], just shot their guns off in the air instead of 'Swiss-cheesing' the savages?

I guess that, after portraying the natives as cannibalistic subhumans, what with plates distending their upper lips and (many) bones through their noses/ears, and after having all of their priestesses doing their best "Ray-Charles-hopped-up-on-LSD-while-rolling-his-pupil-less-eyes -imitation", and after having a few members of Team Savagery clearly being Caucasians 'in blackface' (I guess so as not to offend anyone by only showing African-Americans as cannibals), Jackson just decided that he'd erase them from the film completely (maybe he got the continuity editor drunk, or he figured that, after 3 1/2 hours of film he couldn't spare another 30 seconds) - who knows?

Back to the visuals…the same critique applies to the NYC Kong scenes as to the ‘Jungle Kong’ scenes...technically they were breathtaking - the Empire State Building scenes were phenomenal, what with the panoramas, etc....then we have Kong spinning a plane around without being pulled off the building - or tearing the strut right off the bi-plane - no siree, it needed to keep flying so it could collide with that other bi-plane - and what about Kong doing his Shaq rebounding imitation, tearing the wing off a plane and then landing, still balanced, back on the top of the building?

See, Jackson and his crew forgot that the fact that you can now do CGI scenes that intercut critters with people so well as to make them look absolutely amazingly real DOES NOT MAKE UP for the problem if you then have the critters and people suddenly, Matrix-like, abrogate all physical laws. Poof! Suspension of disbelief goes out the window - and straight down, not up.

Lest you think I am done, you are wrong. Because now we get to my #1 objection to the movie;

5. The GD-MF-ing "emotional involvement" between Ann and the beast "cluster***k" - well, you know what I mean there ;-)

Unbelievably (pun intended), after all of the above, this non-CGI aspect of the film was THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE part of all. (And I won't even go into the MULTI-MEGATONNAGE-EMBARASSMENT of the Central Park 'ice dancing' sequence, because, by that point in time, the film had lost all credibility anyway).

Now guys, I'm not saying that a girl might not take some kind of pet-like liking to the big furry guy (and as an aside, how about the big SMELLY guy? - never saw her throw up or retch, even though, judging by many trips into ape areas of zoos' I've taken, Kong's stench by itself should have slain the V-Rexes);

No, I'm just saying that the 'emotional bonding' scenes were, to me, BY FAR AND AWAYS the most TEDIOUS, UNBELIEVABLE, and TEMPO-BREAKING aspects of the whole picture. And Ann, well, lets just say that after Kong went over the side of the Empire State Building, what with that look on her face, I expected her to shove Driscoll over the side too - instead she embraces him after completely shunning him ever since Kong got the "Zyklon-B" treatment on Skull Island Beach!!!

Oh, and has Mr. Peter Jackson ever been outside on the observation deck of the Empire State Building? Well, I (and probably half his US audience) have been there.

And, besides the dizzying fear of heights, there is also something known as THE WIND that ALWAYS is whipping around up there like a gale. Still, never saw Ann's clothes flap, never heard any wind, and she and Driscoll hopped up and down those exterior ladders 100 stories up in the air like, like, well - like there was a net and a blue screen below them, onto which NYC was later super-imposed.

To sum up, had the first (non-CGI) hour of the film not been so well done - with the very surprising Al Jolson vocal cameo during the opening garnering particularly high points with me - I'd have to say this film was in danger of becoming one of the WORST Kong films ever made (and, given the "King Kong 1976" catastrophe, that would have been saying a MOUTHFUL). But, kudos to Jackson for creating an excellent and believable 1933 NYC atmosphere, good acting (in the first hour anyway), and the excellent (though totally incredible) visuals of the last 2 hours.

And the 'Ann loves Kong' bits? Well Peter, that's what the CUTTING ROOM FLOOR IS FOR - so films don't go over-budget, over-pretentious and over-long, like, say 3 hours +!!!!

Ditto for Ann suddenly deciding to become Kong's personal one-woman Vaudeville show while teetering on the edge of a 1000-foot cliff, as Kong is (playfully?) knocking her around during her spontaneous dance/juggling sequences...

One good thing (seriously) about all this, though; apparently Jackson got the rights to not only digitally re-master the old 1933 King Kong for DVD, but he actually re-created lost scenes (I checked out some video links and they look GREAT), thus making Willis O'Brien/Merian Cooper's vision complete. And for that at least I commend his efforts!!

It was too long and the love affair between Ann and Kong was too drippy/goopy. Kong is murdering all of these people and Ann is looking at him with puppy love eyes. Reminded me of the way your typical liberals look at commie dictators.

Wonderful.
But you missed how

1. Adrien 'Stringbean' Brody does nothing but mumble and perspire and still gets the girl ? Well, after The Big Guy does his sidewalk splat thing, I mean. Does that make any sense?

2. Ann should have become the most famous woman on Earth, and would have never ended up doing that (What? bad drawing room comedy) instead of being 'the girl in the chains'. With no explanation of why she parted company with Jack Black (reaching the thespian heights of a Squiggy, BTW) and company?

I pretty much agree with you.

Great effects....good tone and flavor of 1933, but so out there for so many reasons as to seriously flaw this piece.

and I made a copy of the newly remastered original movie, which showed on TCM a few weeks ago and it's true, it has been lovingly restored.

But one thing that I disagree with you on.

Nothing is as bad as the 1976 DeLorenis fiasco.

Oh yeah....like someone else said. in regard to the ordinance.

the guys on Skull Island carried, bolt action Mausers, Thompson .45ACP Submachine guns, and the captain capped a native with a Navy Luger(long barreled Luger as compared to the short barreled P-08 luger used in most movies).

there where probably .30 caliber Machine guns on the planes.

The US Soldiers in New York carried 1903 Springfields

I just can't image the new Kong being better than the original. The special effects were so groundbreaking for their time and they still are amazing today. Real stop motion shows amazing craftsmanship compared to the current computer generate stuff. Willis O'Brien was an a remarkable talent. I particularly like his 1925 version of The Lost World. That had some really labor intensive special effect and was the first of its kind. Even people who do care much for silent films enjoy watching that one.

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anybody think of anything I left out???

Probably (it was a pretty lame film), but how about...

The long shot of Kong falling off the Empire State Building, like Wile E. Coyote in a Warner Bros. Roadrunner cartoon.

Wow! This is like I wrote this myself! I had some of the very same comments and complaints!

I already planned on waiting for the DVD to come out. This review reinforces that decision.

It doesn't have to be that much of a waste of time. You can have it on in the background. Do housework. Yuk it up with your friends about how bad the movie is, in a way you can't in a theater without being impolite.

BTW- one complaint I didn't see: Ann climbing around on those Empire State building ladders, in a skimpy dress, on a morning when the temperature had to be below freezing. yeah, right...

whose complaining....

as Letterman once said about the Ice Capades in his top 10 list.

"Skimpy costumes and cold temperatures means more enjoyment for Dad"

Why do producers persist in making this movie?

How many times has this movie been remade?

Oh, the eye candy...

But even the Ice Capades are more believable.

(And I do like to suspend belief and watch such movies; it is just an acid blooded alien made more sense.What if Ripley had depressurized the cabin of her shuttle to flush out the alien without donning her space suit first? It would have been ridiculous, like Ann Darrow standing on top of the Empire State Building in this remake of Kong...)

I have heard that "Kong" would make grown men cry, after this review, it was probably because he spent 50$ taking his family to see it.

I took my 3 boys...ranging from 14-24 years of age. It cost me a whopping $44 for a Matinee! (My wife decided it wasnt her type of movie to see...)

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