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Do you know how to use these tools?
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Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.

9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.

10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.

18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.

22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: kayak; toolbox; tools; wasteofbandwidth
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To: coloradan
1 1/4" putty knife: used to peel 3" long bloody strips of skin off the insides of left index finger in a manner reminicient of peeling a carrot.

I play with potentially dangerous woodworking equipment every day, yet it's the putty knife that has repeatedly drawn the most blood.

121 posted on 12/14/2005 8:46:54 AM PST by AngryJawa (NRA)
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To: coloradan
Thanks! Great laughs. :-)
122 posted on 12/14/2005 8:52:27 AM PST by TChris ("Unless you act, you're going to lose your world." - Mark Steyn)
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To: yarddog
If it can't be done with a hammer and vice grips then I can't do it.

You're a better man than I - I have yet to learn how channel locks work, and I'm 58 years old and the owner of two of 'em.

....Had a remodel carpenter here a couple of years ago and while discussing tools, he said "if it doesn't have a cord or an airhose, I don't own it".

123 posted on 12/14/2005 8:54:01 AM PST by ErnBatavia (403-3)
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To: jdege
We'd always send the new guys down to the maintenance bay to get a bottle of squelch oil.

A favorite of mine was to send the freshmen to the auto parts store to buy a can of dwell. You could even show them the dwell meter to prove that it was low.

124 posted on 12/14/2005 8:54:22 AM PST by TChris ("Unless you act, you're going to lose your world." - Mark Steyn)
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To: rock58seg
> My cousin had a similar experience, using gasoline as a parts wash, in the garage.

I was on the maintenance crew at an apartment complex. We started the day meeting as a group in the garage, getting our instructions from Butch. He had amassed a collection of old, broken rotary mowers. He apparently couldn't get the blade off one, so he cut it off with with his cutting torch, while briefing his crew of around 20. I saw what was about to happen next and made for the door, nobody else did ANYTHING but stand there as Butch, too impatient to just let the blade cool, picked up a can of gasoline and pored a stream of it over the red hot metal. The garage was filled with a dense cloud of white fumes. Nothing else happened. We were VERY lucky.
125 posted on 12/14/2005 11:06:17 AM PST by ADemocratNoMore (Jeepers, Freepers, where'd 'ya get those sleepers?. Pj people, exposing old media's lies.)
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To: coloradan

Hole saw: A seldomly used device for making perfect circles on any surface...used primarily when a hammer and phillips screwdriver cannot be found.


126 posted on 12/14/2005 11:30:28 AM PST by BureaucratusMaximus (The 2005 Chicago White Sox---World Series Champs---WOO! HOO!)
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To: misterrob

working in a restaurant, we send newbies for powdered mayonaise or dough repair kits.
one of them unfortunatey went too far once. after not finding it in the basement, he assumed we were out and proceded to the store to buy some. he managed to confuse every employee at two stores before the third store called us asking wtf he was talking about.


127 posted on 12/14/2005 11:37:42 AM PST by absolootezer0 ("My God, why have you forsaken us.. no wait, its the liberals that have forsaken you... my bad")
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To: BureaucratusMaximus

TAP: A device used to partially fill small, incompletely threaded holes with indestructible, non-removable reinforcement.


128 posted on 12/14/2005 11:43:57 AM PST by coloradan (Failing to protect the liberties of your enemies establishes precedents that will reach to yourself.)
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To: I see my hands

I cut the end of my left thumb off in a table saw (and, of course, was grinning as I read your post).


129 posted on 12/14/2005 11:44:51 AM PST by Mr. Lucky
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To: coloradan

STEEL FENCE POST TAMP:

6'long, sharpened steel rod used to shatter irrigation lines and locate buried electrical cable.


130 posted on 12/14/2005 11:46:37 AM PST by ovrtaxt (The FAIRTAX. A powerplay for We The People.)
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To: ovrtaxt

... and rarely, natural gas lines.


131 posted on 12/14/2005 11:48:27 AM PST by coloradan (Failing to protect the liberties of your enemies establishes precedents that will reach to yourself.)
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To: coloradan

While smoking, of course.


132 posted on 12/14/2005 11:49:40 AM PST by ovrtaxt (The FAIRTAX. A powerplay for We The People.)
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To: jdege
We'd always send the new guys down to the maintenance bay to get a bottle of squelch oil.

New soldiers are often sent to supply to fetch a box of grid squares.

133 posted on 12/14/2005 11:51:01 AM PST by xsrdx (Diligentia, Vis, Celeritas)
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To: coloradan

Frickin Hilarious. Thanks.


134 posted on 12/14/2005 11:51:39 AM PST by xsrdx (Diligentia, Vis, Celeritas)
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To: Welsh Rabbit

Knot; left over from sawing a board along the crotch of a limb. From crotch to crotch, very fitting.


135 posted on 12/14/2005 11:56:30 AM PST by Old Professer (Fix the problem, not the blame!)
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To: misterrob

You should have looked over by the metric hammer...


136 posted on 12/14/2005 11:58:49 AM PST by Hatteras
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To: coloradan

Does your wife hide the tools?


137 posted on 12/14/2005 12:00:08 PM PST by bmwcyle (Evolution is a myth -- Libertarians just won't evolve into Conservatives.)
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To: Hatteras

O/T, but did you see this?

http://www.wral.com/news/5529486/detail.html


138 posted on 12/14/2005 12:01:15 PM PST by Howlin
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To: Hatteras

The funny thing about certain requests is that they seem almost believable. When you are kid working as a laborer you get ordered to go fetch a lot of things. When you have nothing to do for a moment suddenly you are fair game.

It's all in good fun though and a good tradition.


139 posted on 12/14/2005 12:04:54 PM PST by misterrob
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To: coloradan

24. Socket Wrench with Extension Bars: A tool for rounding off bolt heads and nuts in hard-to-reach places. May be used with a ratchet drive that doubles as a hammer. (See Irish Micrometer.)


140 posted on 12/14/2005 12:06:46 PM PST by Redcloak ("If you can't say something nice about someone, then you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.")
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