Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
I play with potentially dangerous woodworking equipment every day, yet it's the putty knife that has repeatedly drawn the most blood.
You're a better man than I - I have yet to learn how channel locks work, and I'm 58 years old and the owner of two of 'em.
....Had a remodel carpenter here a couple of years ago and while discussing tools, he said "if it doesn't have a cord or an airhose, I don't own it".
A favorite of mine was to send the freshmen to the auto parts store to buy a can of dwell. You could even show them the dwell meter to prove that it was low.
Hole saw: A seldomly used device for making perfect circles on any surface...used primarily when a hammer and phillips screwdriver cannot be found.
working in a restaurant, we send newbies for powdered mayonaise or dough repair kits.
one of them unfortunatey went too far once. after not finding it in the basement, he assumed we were out and proceded to the store to buy some. he managed to confuse every employee at two stores before the third store called us asking wtf he was talking about.
TAP: A device used to partially fill small, incompletely threaded holes with indestructible, non-removable reinforcement.
I cut the end of my left thumb off in a table saw (and, of course, was grinning as I read your post).
STEEL FENCE POST TAMP:
6'long, sharpened steel rod used to shatter irrigation lines and locate buried electrical cable.
... and rarely, natural gas lines.
While smoking, of course.
New soldiers are often sent to supply to fetch a box of grid squares.
Frickin Hilarious. Thanks.
Knot; left over from sawing a board along the crotch of a limb. From crotch to crotch, very fitting.
You should have looked over by the metric hammer...
Does your wife hide the tools?
O/T, but did you see this?
http://www.wral.com/news/5529486/detail.html
The funny thing about certain requests is that they seem almost believable. When you are kid working as a laborer you get ordered to go fetch a lot of things. When you have nothing to do for a moment suddenly you are fair game.
It's all in good fun though and a good tradition.
24. Socket Wrench with Extension Bars: A tool for rounding off bolt heads and nuts in hard-to-reach places. May be used with a ratchet drive that doubles as a hammer. (See Irish Micrometer.)
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