Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
We always told them to see the receptionist for their "Dikfor", pretty funny, until she got pissed and we all got our butts chewed.
New guy to pretty receptionist "What's a dick for?"
Too funny!!
They'd fill a garbage bag with acetylene while it was placed under the upside down garbage can. Then the arc welding 'trodes are placed next to each other under the can and the participants retreat to the garage to hit the "on" switch on the welder. The garbage can goes very high...
Mariners have initiation rites of their own. On my ship, the deck crew would send newbies down to the engine room to get the keys to the sea chest. The engineering guys would send their newbies out on deck with a mail sack, instructing them to hand it over the side when we got to the mail buoy.
I was just joshin' ya.
That's pretty obvious.
Even I am not that clueless and I'm pretty clueless.
OH, Is that funny!
The person who wrote this must have cameras hidden in my garage. Excellent.
What no T square?????? A must have for those of use who can't draw a straight line.
LOL!
The Pike Bar - A device for testing the strength of steel toe caps in safety shoes.
All shops should have Safety Kits containing empty bandage wrappers and iodine bottles mounted on the wall. It gives a sense of security to neighbors who come over to help screw things up with techniques you haven't yet learned.
Ping for later.
Extension Cord: A multipurpose device used for tripping animals, children, and wives, for testing the ability of wheeled items (vacuum cleaners, toolboxes, and so forth) to go over rough terrain, and for measuring 7/8 of the distance between where the socket is in the wall, and where you need electricity.
9V battery - A device used to tell if your tongue is still working.
"I always ask for the board stretcher."
Don't forget the glass stapler..............
"Make sure you keep an axe in the glovebox if you do business in the upper midwest to chop away the ice."
Ice, what's that? I'm a 5th generation So. Californian and not going anywhere, certainly not where it gets cold enough to make ice except in the freezer. I don't even want to see snow except at at great distance on top of a mountain to the east.
My cousin had a similar experience, using gasoline as a parts wash, in the garage. The fumes found their way to a gas hot water heater. Blew the garage off the house and started a fire.
In the service we sent them for "helmet pullers".
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