Posted on 10/13/2005 3:34:31 PM PDT by IowaHawk
Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq
How’s it hangin,’ homos? Same ol’ – same ol’ here in the Big Sandbox. Not much new since my last letter; Team Satan keeps dropping the hammer, we keep mopping up the jihadi juice. Despite the occasional market-bombing morale booster, the situation has been going downhill for a while now. So I guess you could say that everybody was pretty jazzed last week when big bossman Zawahiri sent out a memo announcing casual Fridays and a special ‘R&R event.’
Well yeah, okay, normally the Zarkman is cool with a little downtime. Chance to catch up on the email and paperwork and all that, especially since I’ve got like three months of travel expenses that Fatima (wife #3, the fat one) has been all over my *** to file. Anyway, I’m in the middle of Xeroxing some ammonia nitrate receipts Friday morning, thinking about what I needed to pack for the weekend family trip to Damascus, when I get another memo:
From: A. al-Zawahiri
To: All Associates
Subject: Mandatory Weekend Retreat
Oh ****ing terrific. I popped my head up over my cubicle to see if Khalid had read it yet, and he just sorta looks up at me and rolls his one good eye.
Anyway, I call the wives on my cell and tell them to cancel the room reservations, and you can just imagine how big that s*** went over. “You know the kids were really looking forward to the rides at Assadland,” “it’d be nice if you could occassionally be home to read them a bedtime surah,” “you know that roof is not going to thatch itself,” blah blah ****ing blah. Then the wives start in on that suspicious “if we didn’t know better, we’d think you were seeing another harem” crap, like I got enough energy to go fornicating after a week of occupier missile strikes and filling out the Q1 school bomb progress reports.
But hey, Zarkman's a team player. So I'm out on the curb with everybody else late Friday, piling into the courtesy van headed to the Ramadi Inn conference center, and guess what? I have to sit next to that new French intern Ali the entire trip. Holy frickin’ Prophet, what a weasely little brown-noser. “Oh Monsieur Zarqawi, it is the great pleasure to be working for the jihad with you!” while I’m just trying to get some peace and quiet and work on my Times crossword. I swear I’d s***can that little suckup tomorrow if the martyr recruiting market wasn’t so damn tight. About an hour into the trip we took a few rounds from the Iraqi collaborators, which thankfully shut him up, but then I had to deal with his s***stank the rest of the way.
For the rest of the (uncut) story click here
After retiring from 31 years in the IT biz in large banks and insurance companies, I can tell you that this one hit home.
Dude. Hilarious. As one who has been TQM'ed, slide showed, latest management guru of the week'ed by the best of them at GM, Lockheed and elsewhere, this takes the prize. LMAO.
as usual, you da man!!!
Very funny and very good. I loved it!
1. Develop Skill-Set Synergies For Expelling Crusaders From Mesopotamia2. Achieve Buy-In For Scalable ‘Bleeding Edge’ Regional Amirate Platform
3. Implement Adaptive ‘Win-Win’ Map To Break Down Intra-Regional Jihad Silos
4. Champion Mission-Critical Processes For Dis-Implementing Zionist Pigs
5. Pareto-ize Alpha Office for Stakeholder-Focused Global Sharia Capabilities
Oh my sides.
That's some seriously funny stuff! If Dilbert's boss were Osama . . .
Yeah buddy!
Nicely done!
Every horrific TQM BS cliche I have ever suffered through, roasted nicely and served on pita with falafel.
You have been around corporate buzz words for WAY too long.
TEAM Satan...Together Everyone Annihilates More.
Come on, man. Hitler had his Mussolini. The ‘Cong had their Khmer Rouge. Us? We get Michael Moore and a clown car of dipsh*ts from Kos and DU.
Well, they just don't make fellow-travelers like they used too...
Omigod. That is hysterical. Brilliant!
Hey Iowahawk..I was never one of the cubicle crowd..but this is seriously funny stuff. Give us more.
Not I, thank goodness. #8 was taken from Iowahawk's piece.
I love this!
A weekly post would be cool.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.