Posted on 10/13/2005 11:37:42 AM PDT by madprof98
Mom first confessed to me that she wanted to die almost 14 months before she killed herself on April 28, 2004.
"I just want to go," she yelled on her 82nd birthday, tears welling up. Her heart had given out physically from advanced arteriosclerosis, and emotionally since Daddy died.
She had lived with us since a massive heart attack left her an invalid with no hope of recovery. She no longer had the strength to socialize, go shopping or attend Mass.
I did everything they tell you to do for a suicidal person. Mom had a heaven-sent primary doctor in Alpharetta who started monitoring a course of antidepressants for her. He treated her soul as well as her body. We brought in a daily caregiver.
Most important, we talked. I said I understood her feelings, but that it would upset me if she tried something on her own without talking to me first.
Mom was so relieved that she could tell me the truth of how she felt. She promised not to take matters into her own hands.
By January 2004, Mom's lungs had deteriorated. As with many women her age, she started smoking in her teens. She quit before turning 50. We always hoped that 30 years of abstinence would undo all the damage, but it was not to be.
By February, Mom suddenly announced that she had stopped taking all of her medicines and would no longer go to any doctor. "I just want to go," she kept saying.
By March, Mom was going blind. Her heart was not strong enough to permit surgery on her cataracts, so her remaining pleasures of reading and watching TV were going away. On her 83rd birthday, she again burst into tears. "I just want to go!" she raged.
By April 28, Mom's rage had boiled over. Late that afternoon, I found her surrounded by all those medicine bottles untouched since February. They were empty.
"I just want to go," she slurred. She kept shaking her head from side to side. "Just let me go, please don't call 911!"
I considered not calling. I just wanted to make my Mom happy again.
Months later, my physician told me that if I hadn't called, I might have been arrested.
A few hours after arriving at the emergency room, Mom died from a combination of the overdose and her advanced arteriosclerosis.
Unfortunately, my experience is that doing all the right things couldn't stop my 83-year-old Catholic mother from following through on a threat she made consistently for almost 14 months.
While she was still conscious, I asked her why she didn't keep her promise to tell me before she tried something like this. She replied, "I was afraid you would be arrested."
Exactly what kind of family values prevent a mother and daughter from talking openly about the end of life for fear of prosecution?
I pray you never have to walk in my shoes to find out.
Nora DePalma lives in Cumming.
I always appreciate your perspective on this. You've got your heart in the right place, you get the issues some don't... and we could all only hope to have our lives in hands as capable and loving as yours at the end.
It's hard to believe, but you actually LOST the argument here. Your heroism in dealing with your family has been treated as shameful. It would only be acceptable to the most vocally "compassionate" of the people posting here if you said you were sorry for the effort you've made and really wish you had poisoned your folks.
And this is a conservative forum. I suppose they would beat you up even worse on DU.
It wasn't always so. Jack Kevorkian, after all, is still in jail. But the incessant propaganda has made his cause--once unspeakable--into common sense in mainstream America. We will be going the way of the Dutch on this before very long.
I truly appreciate your perspective. It's a truly tough situation for you and I respect your choices.
Wrong again, and if possible, I think you're getting even more obnoxious. You're taking the very real and quite unique struggle that poster faces and exploiting it as a platform to take potshots at other people.
Who did you consult?
Thanks for your kind comments...
Thank you for adding that dose of reality. A lot of us who are getting really angry at the pro-government-meddling crowd are anticipating a horrible time, when our parents, like yours, are counting on us to make sure their suffering is ended in a timely manner, and some meddler like the nurse you described, tries to stop us and can call in the government agents to back her up.
Elderly parents can and have been yanked out of loving homes where their grown children were trying to honor their wished, and forced into nursing homes (to "protect them" from their relatives) where their wishes are utterly ignored and they're treated like animals in a medical research lab. In research labs, the success of the medical procedures is the only objective, and nobody gives a crap how much the animals suffer in the researchers' pursuit of their loftier goal. In the case of research, there often really is a loftier goal, with some lab animals' suffering paling in comparison to the human suffering that is averted as a result of the research (and often pets' suffering as well, as they benefit from human-oriented medical research). When dying humans are used as the lab rats, there is no loftier goal -- suffering is only increased.
No, the situation is not "quite unique" (whatever that means), nor was the very similar situation described in the article I posted to start this thread. (Had it been even just plain old "unique," Cynthia Tucker and her baby-butcher buddies would not have wanted it on their editorial page.) The situation is really quite common, especially as lifespan grows longer. Elderly people often become depressed over their diminished capacities. Some of them say they want to die.
Are we supposed to be able to "help" them accomplish this goal, or should the police (AKA the "government") get involved and even arrest those who so "help"? That's what the original piece was all about. That's what the responses have been about. You evidently (despite your disclaimer) think we should be able to "help." Lizarde did not, nor do I.
I meant it. I haven't suffered what you have in caring for your parents, and my heart goes out to you.
Thanks for your comments...
Unfortunately, I have seen too much of the 'reality' of what goes on in nursing homes...because that is where I chose to work, because I have always loved the elderly, even when I was a kid...the elderly are often the most ignored and dismissed group of people...it can really be heartbreaking...I can assure you, that almost none of the elderly residents I have taken care of, have actually 'wanted' to be in the nursing home...and we have done our best to care for them, as time and our resources allow us...but they really do receive only minimal care, in spite of what the nursing home owners and directors would have anyone believe...these elderly want to be at home, with their families, with all their things, with their pets, and with their wishes being honored...
I am not advocating helping any elderly person to kill themselves...but I am advocating paying attention to the elderly, actually hearing what they say, understanding what they mean, without imposing your own will upon them...and often, in cases, if the family makes the effort, they will find that the elderly person may feel suicidal for a reason, which can be treated, and the elderly person no longer does feel suicidal...but in many cases, where an elderly person is terminally ill, is in great pain, and does not wish to have extraordinary measure taken to prolong their life, then I believe they should be allowed to die as they wish...
But for strangers, for the government, for those with no real interest in a case, to try to force their own will onto others, is really abhorrent...
End of life issues belong with the one who is dying, and their own families...no one else should be butting in..
I agree with you. I think it was terrible to kick everyone out of the institutions. If the institutions were inadequate, they could have been improved before throwing the babies out with the bathwater. Many of these people needed to have total supervision for their own safety (and society's, too) and to make sure that they ate properly, kept clean, and got some socialization. Once the psychotropics Rx hit the big time, these people were discharged into group homes and outpatient services. The legislators across the country cut the funding more and more until a lot of the OP services dried up and the people were left to fend for themselves. With nowhere to go but unsafe homeless shelters, living under bridges becomes preferable. It is easy to break laws when you are living on the streets, so the Gov't. ultimately pays heavily with expanding space at the jails and prisons. I can see why they feel hopeless. They may be sick, but they aren't stupid. People need hope, and it is good that you care enough to try to help. God bless you.
You are quite mad, you know.
Tell me, what experiences bring you to this thread? What qualifies you to preach to us about the manner and scope to which you would impose your will on our lives?
Poster Lizarde's parents suffer dementia, and she is responsible for their care. That's a hard row to hoe, and I wouldn't begin to impose my uninvited opinions on her or her family.
Nor do I think I can fault the author of this article and the way she handled her situation. Her mother was very ill, but there was no mention of dementia, no foreknowledge of the way it would all turn out. When her mother expressed severe pain, anger and a wish to die, there is no indication she was insane to wish this, though the daughter DID NOT want her to kill herself, and sought help to ease and treat these symptoms and improve her mother's morale. She could not know it would fail, and even if she did, was there an alternative available to her that was less cruel?
I think this an important distinction between the two situations. Are you saying this author should have removed her mother from the home and locked her up? Would that have eased her suffering? Should this woman have been watched 24/7 and treated like a prisonor or a child for expressing her wish to just not be sick any more? Should she have been strapped to her bed until her body gave out on it's own, despite machines and medicine? Would that have been compassionate? What the author did was love her mother as best she could. What the mother did was the mother's doing.
Yes, the issue of aging parents is common, but each situation has it's unique difficulties.
My apologies... I discussed you in the post above, and should respectfully ping you.
I'm sure they will figure out a way to commit 'suicide by cop' then and you can do whatever you want with their assets that you are 'conserving' (in other words you stole everything they owned and came back for their dignity).
If there is a just God, you children will do this to you, for decades.
So9
You're very wise. And for myself and my own family I have the same mission, God willing.
What do we do, in cases where there is not good family, or there is disagreement from either within the family or from physicians or others with standing in the patient's life?
I wish it were simple enough to never require the law, but there does need to be clear law, and there will sometimes be need for a court, as local as possible, that will have to be given jurisdiction to decide.
The very last line of your post #95, has hit the nail on the head....every single case of aging parents has its very own set of unique difficulties and must be dealt with on that basis...there can be no blanket remedy for this extremely important situation....each elderly person has his own perspective, which has to be dealt with by that persons own family, and support system, whether it be friends, doctors, religious leaders, etc...we are each a unique human being, with our own set of problems, beliefs, and experiences...and all that should be considered when making end of life decisions...
I could not impose my own view of end of life on someone else, and I dont want anyone else telling me how to act in regards to my own end of life...
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