Posted on 10/13/2005 7:02:45 AM PDT by Eurotwit
Women who put off getting pregnant until past their mid-thirties are ‘defying nature and risk the heartbreak of infertility, miscarriage or other complications,’ began an article in my morning paper a week or so ago. I put down my toast and read on with the grim fascination of someone who turned 30 this summer and is beginning to feel the first twinges of anxiety about the vigour of her own ovaries.
The piece quoted a woman called Susan Bewley, a consultant obstetrician and one of the authors of a report on fertility in the British Medical Journal. ‘Women want to “have it all” but biology is unchanged,’ said Bewley. ‘The best time to have a baby is up to 35. It always was and it always will be. Paradoxically, the availability of IVF may lull women into infertility.’
Bewley went on to talk about the whopping cost that older women having less healthy babies is putting on the National Health Service, and concluded that women must be persuaded to have babies younger. ‘I don’t want to blame women or make them feel anxious or frightened,’ she said. ‘The reasons for these difficulties lie not with women but with a distorted and uninformed view from society, employers and health planners.’
How nice of Dr Bewley not to blame us for what she calls ‘the epidemic of delayed pregnancy’, but I think she has the wrong end of the stick. Women of my age have not been lulled into a false sense of fertility. We aren’t yet frightened — I hear outright fear kicks in at 40 — but we are well aware of the dangers of trying to have children once we’re past our reproductive prime. We’re informed and beginning to be concerned.
We’re also pretty clued up about why our generation is delaying having children — and it has nothing to do with being failed by employers or health planners. Nor, despite endless newspaper features on the subject, does it have much to do with business women putting careers before babies. In my experience, the root cause of the epidemic lies with a collective failure of nerve among men our age.
How many young women do you know, happily married or the equivalent, who are wilfully refusing to have children now at the risk of running the gauntlet of IVF in five years time? Quite.
Dr Bewley accuses women of ‘playing Russian roulette’ with nature, but the point is we’re only interested in having babies if they are fathered by men we love and who are going to stick around and enjoy bringing the little brutes up. By the time they hit their mid-thirties even the most dedicated career women are ready to do some nesting — even if that means grudgingly accepting that our careers are more likely to suffer than our mate’s and that we’ll probably end up changing most of the nappies. The trouble is that very few of our male contemporaries are what you might call twig in beak.
There’s many a slip betwixt having an amusing, attractive boyfriend and the pair of you committing to the long haul of marriage and children. I know dozens of delightful men of my age and considerably older who say they want to get married one day. They will even go as far as talking about how comparatively young their own fathers were when they sired them, and fret about how geriatric they’ll be by the time they have a son of their own to kick a ball about with. Yet they are careful to preserve the idea of getting married and/or settling down as purely hypothetical and entirely out of their control — as though a meteorite might hit the earth one day and when they come to they’ll be at the altar. In the meantime they concentrate on having as much immediate fun as they can and dodge thinking about next month or next year for as long as possible.
And who can blame them? If our biological clocks didn’t jump-start us into wanting babies, I think many women would do the same. Ours is a generation that has grown up with the luxury of being able to pretty much please ourselves — especially when it comes to our romantic lives. The power of parental pressure and societal disapproval has all but evaporated. Nobody is made an honest woman of anymore. These days the only reason to marry or commit to anyone is because you really, really want to and you think you’re going to carry on really wanting to. Yet the whole art of pleasing oneself is remaining free to do just that — something to which the arrival of a small child could prove an obstacle.
No one ever said biology was fair. I have accepted that in real terms I am suddenly much older than my male friends. When a great friend who turned 30 within weeks of me came round to discuss our shared milestone, it emerged that I was already bracing myself for my 40th birthday. He, needless to say, still thought of himself as being in his early twenties and claimed to have never considered a future with his girlfriend of two years’ standing because he ‘wasn’t ready for all that’. Of course not every man his age is in a state of prolonged adolescence, but a critical mass of them are. I recently went to a wedding where the presiding vicar actually congratulated the groom on having enough ‘backbone’ to commit to marriage while his spineless contemporaries squirmed in their pews.
I don’t know a woman of my age whose version of living happily ever after fundamentally hinges on becoming editor, or senior partner, or surgeon, or leading counsel. But faced with a generation of emotionally immature men who seem to view marriage as the last thing they’ll do before they die, we have little option but to wait, busy ourselves with making the most of our careers and hope that Mr Non-Phobic Right eventually makes himself known to us before our ovaries pack up completely.
As I finished my breakfast and contemplated my chances of a decade of heartbreak, I wondered whether women will be the only losers in this epidemic of delayed pregnancies. Isn’t it possible that, just as I have no interest in a relationship with someone significantly older than me, when the men of my generation get to the dark side of 40 they’ll tire of dating girls who are now revising for their GCSEs? They’ll still have a fighting chance of producing a few nippers, of course — but will they do it by settling for a much younger companion who falls far short of the intellectually equal but by now hopelessly barren soulmate they went out with in their thirties?
What can Dr Bewley and co. do to get them ready for fatherhood before their mid-forties? I fear that even Jane Austen wouldn’t have the answer to this one.
I think a lot of men need some of the MASCULINE values that he espouses... Just drop the hatred.. It is never becoming....
Dont put women on a pedestal, but don't hate them either..
Too paraphrase Tolkien:
- We (women and men) are all fallen beings searching for solace in a fallen world on a sinking ship.
Well, if you have read Tolkien, you know he was a bit of a pessimist, but I agree with him that women are not the enemy. We are all in the same bout, and we need each other....
And, I think that men should take the lead in acting like men...
Cheers.
First of February, but the last two have been early, so I expect him in January.
Men can pee without making an afternoon of it undressing.
Men have bladders bigger than a peanut.
Men don't need to get their chests squeezed into a cold machine and x-rayed.
Men don't watch commerical after commerical for healthcare products telling us we are falling apart.
Keep on Truckin! I'll be sure to look you up in Norway!
Until then, I'll just hang around JFK Airport in the international terminals and scope out the Norwegian and Icelandic flight crews! ;-)
As for men's looks or his height/physique, it almost never works against a man when it comes to romance. It's a myth pretty much given life by men who don't even want to ask a woman out. I find that women tend to be more impressed with a man being well (or at least, neatly) dressed, and well groomed (though that's not to say colonges, manicures, etc).
Be a man is right - women can't help but respond even if they have tried to talk themselves out of it. On more than one occasion I have spoken frankly in mixed company about some topics that the more feminist minded women would roll their eyes at, or even respond combatively - for example, I say that I want a woman who will sacrifice her career for childrearing, and that I'd more than take care of money concerns.
I can't tell you how many times that the same women would privately later on be appreciative of the comments (and also, my unwillingness to back down and pretty much dismissing their protests).
Be a man, and don't be afraid of women. That's my advice! ;-)
"Well, yes, but it won't work unless all women close their legs. As long as a lot of women are willing to have sex without marriage, the nice women who say "No" will hear their dates say "Bye," in response."
Not in my experience. I made it quite clear to all and sundry that I had no interest in sex outside of marriage; still had more than one opportunity to get married. Possibly because my taste runs to computer geeks rather than jocks. ;)
What I have no patience with is the guys who think they get to play the field, but when they decide to settle down they want a virgin. Don't know about now, but when I was dating in the '80's that was still an issue. Ironically, most of the non-Christian guys I dated were virgins; it was the Crhstian guys pushing that particular double standard. Sad commentary on the church, IMHO.
The time for having kids is in a woman's early twenties when a lot of them are at college and living the loose, "free", "equal to men" lifestyle they've been told is their entitlement thanks to their brave sisters who came before them and paved the way for women to be dogs like men when it comes to sex.
Well those brave sisters who made so many sacrifices for women's "equality" in the last couple of decades are now facing their own mortality and realizing that they gave up the only thing that brings lasting happiness: marriage, kids, and the emotional security one has in the precous love of a family.
Where are all the countless, meaningless sex partners now? How terrible it is to have such regrets and it be too late to fix the mistakes.
Good gravy, that's the 'type' for every straight male with a pulse, aged 14 to 101!!!!
I'm at Orbitz.com as we speak looking for a flight I can afford! If I cut some corners, I may be able to fly with the cargo and save even more! Haha!
I do have a galpal who doesn't like me meeting women who look like that, though. I suppose I'll just have to leave her behind for that trip! Thanks for thinking of me, and 'we'll talk!' ;-)
Yeah, it's worth checking out every now and then...
As I expected after reading the title, the word "divorce" never appears in the article.
I'm sure Ms. Watson would heartily approve of the arrogance behind this license plate. I bet chump-hubby lost the house too.
My wife is in her late 30s and we are both ready and able to have children, but our family business is too small to be able to afford health coverage for employees (i.e. us). Private individual care policies are either too expensive or do not offer OB/GYN, delivery, post-natal, and infant pediatric care due to liability concerns or both. We make too much money to qualify for welfare. And we are damned sure not going to have our child born in the illegal immigrant ward down at the county hospital!
Can anybody tell me how in the hell responsible parents are supposed to have children when they cannot obtain affordable health insurance?
No
If not, don't get married.
Oops, too late, I already did.
Considering the percentages of divorce and the risks assiciated with having children in a divorce court can you honestly blame them???
"So abstaining is not going to work as a way of luring men back to marriage until everyone agrees to it, which would require a return to Judeo-Christian values large segments of our society have pretty much abandoned"
Huh - your premise assumes that men dont value women with virtue - you couldnt be more wrong. Men may want to have sex with the slut but they want to marry a women who is virtuous and chaste. Sure some may pass on the women who have virtue but so what, do women really want the kind of guy who is going to use them? If so they get what they deserve and today many of them deserve to be treated like meat - bought, sold and used - they are no different than a used car and the older they get the less value they have. Women who pride themselves on quality however are more appreciated by their mate and considered like a classic car whos value always is increasing. Sorry ladies for the analogy.
I agree that a lot of men are fearful of relationships with women - often with good reason (they've been hurt!). I think a fair percentage of guys who "won't commit" are acting out of fear.
But I've also seen cases where the husband destroys the marriage because he reacts to his fear by over-controlling. Guys who can only be happy if they keep track of their wife's purchases to the penny, who won't let her go anywhere without his permission (and doesn't give that permission much), guys who won't tell their wife what they're up to or when they'll be home or what's going on in his life (even when it's pertinent to her planning something) because that's "giving up power", but who demand she report every little thing to him.
Over controllers cannot trust because they are afraid - but they're outraged when you point that out. I have far more respect for a man who admits his fears and deals with them rationally (or recognizes them as irrational) than for one who denies them and becomes abusive - and all the fear denying tough guys I've seen whose wives stuck with them long enough did indeed slide over into physical abuse.
I do indeed blame a Christian woman who thinks her husband is fearful if she then goes on to have an affair. I have more sympathy for a woman who leaves a man whose fear has led him to be over-controlling, because her options are limited. Men like that often refuse to explore other ways of dealing with their fear and refuse counseling and in general want to lie to themselves and others about what's going on. And they can become a danger to spouse and kids.
But to call a man weak because he has fears? Or because he is concerned about a lack of skills in communication (which is often the reason they fear relationships)? No. Not buyin' it. Fear can motivate a man to learn and to expand his competency into other fields - I'm all for that kind of fear. :D
I got married at 37....
And so, prior to marriage and motherhood, how is a woman to feed herself if she does not have a career? Is she supposed to live on welfare?
At the whim of the husband, he can walk off with some 25-year-old cutie pie and destroy everything the wife has worked for, too: home, happy family, financial security, etc.
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