DIVORCE STUDY BREAKS NEW GROUND

Yahoo ^ | 10/11/2005 | Maggie Gallagher

[WarEagle]

More evidence of how to destroy a civilization, one family at a time.

[Albion Wilde]

Ping

[GSlob]

Well, many [if not most] of these families should have never been, to begin with. Existing family law "helps", too.

[sandbar]

>>>Children were at the center of my family"

Children should not be at the center of the family. Children should be loved, cared for and taken care of, but not the center. You will not be doing your children any good and most likely this 'children at the center of the family' is what is causing most divorces. Ed Young has a good seminar regarding this issue. It's called Kid CEO and it did wonders for my whole family. When my husband and I centered ourselves and our focus on God, our children became much happier.

[Hadean]

Marquardt has two insights: The first is that suffering matters.

Marquardt's second insight: Every child has a double-origin, a mother and a father, to whom he or she longs to attach.

Wow. This is definately ground-breaking. I had no idea.

[Servant of the 9]

And yes, the social science evidence shows that when parents don't stay married, children are at increased risk for these negative outcomes and a whole lot more.

And what do people grow up to be like who live with two parents who obviously seethe with contempt and hatred for each other?

Of course kids have a better shot at life in a happy home, but divorces don't break up happy homes.

So9

[therut]

Anyone with any commom sense knows divorce generally is not good for children. I had an aunt and uncle who divorced when I was nine and I was terrified my parents would do the same. I cried myself to sleep one night fretting about it. My parents never divorced. But I was horrified by the thought. It made no sense to me how such a thing could be. My husbands parents divorced. Even though I love them both and they never remarried and stayed and ran a family business together it was odd and caused strife that would not have been in the family. The best time of my life was childood. The most carefree,secure and happy time. By the way I graduated HS in 1977 and not one of the 100 kids who graduated had divored parents. Sad to say it is not that way now.

[Cicero]

None of this is a surprise. The sad effects of divorce on children really never wear off. They can remake their lives, find religion, have a happy family, build a successful career, experience happiness, but that inner loneliness will never go away in this life.

[pollyannaish]

I agree with you, but I also agree with Marquart.

I think her point is not that a child should run a family...rather than children are a very important reason to resolve issues between parents.

I know this doesn't seem like a ground breaking thing. But I think it is FINALLY admission that parents behaving selfishly to meet their own need damages children in a way that is difficult to measure.

Call me silly...but it's progress.

[tbird5]

The children were the center of my family. No matter how mad I was at my children's father, I would never have removed him from their lives. I knew I had to keep my marriage intact for my happiness and theirs. I had no right to kick their father out. They love their dad, so I made our marriage work. Without childern it would have been very easy to leave. The children are "entitled" to both parents in the home and parents should do everything to keep the family intacted. Staying married is an obligation to your children's lives, just as schooling, religion, and good health.

[LizardQueen]

And what do people grow up to be like who live with two parents who obviously seethe with contempt and hatred for each other?

Good point. My father grew up in a household where his parents loathed each other but stayed together for the sake of the kids. It was bad enough that at the dinner table his mother would ask him to ask his father to pass the salt,even when his father was sitting right there.

My father has a lot of baggage from that, it's almost like a PSTD kind of thing for him.

While definitely a happy home with 2 married parents is by far the best environment for a child, I can't help but think that if things have deteriorated so bad that the parents are living in the same house and not even speaking to each other that maybe divorce would be no worse, and maybe even better, than living in that hell like my father did.

LQ

[NOTAM]

Honestly. I am extremely reluctant to have my own children. More like terrified...but I really like kids and they like me. I just feel like the risk of there being a regret is just too great.

My folks got divorced when I was 12. I'm 37, happily married with 2 really great step kids that are now adults.

I feel sure that my growing up with incompatiable parents and being the 12yo kid of 3 in a divorce has really tweeked my perspective on being a natural parent.

[looois]

Thanks for this post. A most interesting insight. It brings to my mind a need for a new study on children who grow up in single mom families where there never was a marriage nor a father figure.

Or, maybe, such a study would not be politically correct.

[Jibaholic]

Marquardt's second insight into the damage divorce does runs something like this. Every child has a double-origin, a mother and a father, to whom he or she longs to attach. When parents marry, it is their job to reconcile these differences into a union, to give their child a single family in which to grow up.

Exactly. It is an issue of Children's rights

[Black Tooth]

Most companies have turned into divorce factories. Sure was better when mom stayed home with the kids. A lot less traffic on the road too.

[stylin_geek]

Those studies have been done, however, those studies will never see the light of day.

[stylin_geek]

At least you had something to work with. I couldn't make mine work. After boyfriend #3 (that I knew about) I gave up.

[irishjuggler]

and most likely this 'children at the center of the family' is what is causing most divorces.

Is there any research at all to support this statement? I find it completely unbelievable that "most" divorces are caused by parents putting "children at the center of the family" or otherwise being too devoted to the kids.

[Jemian]

You are exactly right. I bet it made your marriage more solid, too.

[sandbar]

>>>I think her point is not that a child should run a family...rather than children are a very important reason to resolve issues between parents.<>>>

Very very true. I have two children from a previous marriage (he decided he 'didn't want to be tied down anymore') and my husband has two that he raised alone as well. We have a four year old together and there have been times when we have been ready to throw in the towel. Then we think of how it hurt our older children to split up their family and we just try a little harder to get through a tough time. HER (and the pain of our other children who have become comfortable and stable with their family) feelings and pain is more important than the ease of saying 'forget it'.