I understand your difficulty with this. The whole situation challenged everything I had believed about homosexuality. I have a few gay friends who alway say they were born that way, but I had never had anyone so close to me that I could have deep difficult discussions with. I know in my soul he did not choose to be gay. However, I still feel that some choose and I feel abuse is a factor in some. I believe there are many factors which can come into play, that sexuality is not as simple as I once believed.
This man's parents will not even allow him to enter their home. He has not had Christmas or Thanksgiving with them for at least 5 years. I have seen him wailing in pain at this. They think he can choose not to be gay and until he does, they will have nothing to do with him. If he could, he would do so to regain his parents' love; he has told me that.
He does not date; he is avoiding his sexuality at all costs so that maybe they will accept him. But his parents want him to have a girlfriend. That is "proof" to them that he has changed and he says he cannot do that to a girl--he cannot use her simply to perpetuate a myth.
Seeing this so close to me has affected me deeply.
"Seeing this so close to me has affected me deeply."
There's nothing wrong with being deeply affected, but it is worth noting that ethical psychiatrists will not accept cases that affect them deeply. Being deeply affected affects our judgment.
"I have a few gay friends who alway say they were born that way"
People are always looking for a reason to say, "I get to take the least difficult path because I can't help it."
"I know in my soul he did not choose to be gay."
I don't think anyone chooses to develop SSAD, any more than people choose to develop PTSD or depression. Great trauma can result in all sorts of disorders, and while these are usually maladaptive attempts to deal with the trauma, you can't really call them choices.
"I feel abuse is a factor in some."
Abuse is the cause of some cases, and seduction is the cause of the rest. I wouldn't recommend you try and pry back into this man's past to get him to admit or remember what happened to him, though. It could be catastrophic. That's a job for a professional.
"I have seen him wailing in pain at this."
Have you seen him searching for a treatment that will work for him?
"They think he can choose not to be gay"
I really hate the way that word has been stolen to describe a mental disorder that manifests as a compulsion to engage in loathsome perversions.
I don't believe he can just choose to be cured of SSAD and it will happen just like that, but he **can** choose to seek treatment. He can choose to pray.
"If he could, he would do so to regain his parents' love; he has told me that."
So, he'll be going from treatment to treatment until he finds one that works, right?
"he is avoiding his sexuality at all costs so that maybe they will accept him."
Yeah, right. Nudge, nudge; wink, wink.
"he says he cannot do that to a girl--he cannot use her simply to perpetuate a myth."
He could easily strike a deal with a lipstick lesbian that needed a beard.