Here's an official copy (and my shameless rip-off of your idea):
LOUISIANA EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY
SEPTEMBER 20, 2005
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Anticipating Rita's hard ride down on Texas, Louisiana Governor Blanco has ordered the Louisiana Emergency Management Agency to provide all possible assistance to those yahoo cowboys out west.
Although LEMA is still heavily involved in the emergency management effort in Louisiana, it has determined that its citizens are now beyond any help they might receive from the 500,000 "Louisiana Hurricane Preparedness" pamphlets they printed a week before Katrina came ashore.
As luck would have it, the LEMA official responsible for distributing the pamphlets was stuck on Mayor Nagin's escape helicopter, so none were handed out except to those who risked their lives on that noisy, uncomfortable ride to Baton Rouge a perilous forty-eight hours before the storm hit.
499,991 of the pamphlets remain, and are being sent immediately to Texas for distribution there. The boat will be leaving sometime tomorrow, if federal funding for the trip is obtained in time.
Knowing there will always be some who are unable to obtain a copy of this valuable and possibly life-saving pamphlet, we have retained one copy to facilitate electronic dissemination to fearful Texans.
The contents of the all-important "Individual Preparation" section are set out below. READ AND HEED! Don't suffer the fate met by New Orleans' poor, who were denied access to this vital information due to federal negligence and lack of preparation!
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Individual Preparation
Ten Tested Tips for people without helicopters to take them to safety:
1. Be sure to have at least one gallon of water for your household. Get two gallons if several other families stay with you; sometimes federal aid can take a while, and you'll need ice for cool drinks on hot days.
2. Bear in mind that the corner store may be closed for days, and might even be stripped of worthwhile contents before you get there. Have at least two weeks' supply of your preferred adult beverages on hand before the storm. If several other families stay with you, be sure your supply is well-hidden from them--they should lay in their own stocks, rather than count on you for such critical supplies during this emergency.
3. Pre-cook lots of food and have it ready in the fridge in case the power goes out and the stove doesn't work. If you are forced to use the microwave, you'll soon learn that pre-cooked food is much better (microwave cooking destroys flavor!).
4. Plan ahead--make sure your stereo and TV are in good working order, to get storm reports and relieve the boredom as you await federal aid. Consider investing in some "rabbit ears" in case there are temporary outages in the Cable TV system.
5. Have a good flotation device available; in case of rising water, you shouldn't be worrying about how you'll get into the attic to escape, and a good flotation device will lift you gently when the time comes.
6. Well before any hurricane makes landfall, turn in all your weapons to local law enforcement officials. You'd just get yourself in trouble with them, and the law enforcement officials will need barter goods on their way out of the state.
7. Before the storm hits, double-check to be sure your "It's Bush's Fault" and "Bush Lied--People Died" signs are ready and sorted, in case something bad happens. Be sure to let neighbors know where they're stored--if it's something really bad, others might have the sad duty of deploying the signs for you. This is a critical step in the federal aid process, and must not be left to chance.
8. When the storm hits, if it's worse than you'd expected, you'll want to know how best to flee. We've made it easy for you: go to the largest structure you can see (if you can't see, wait for daylight), and if you're turned away there or no one's home, walk downhill. Buses will be available when you've reached the lowest point in the flood plain. If there's no one there to drive them, wait at that location until licensed drivers can be brought in from the White House staff. If the water is above your navel, go back home and get your flotation device and your signs; when news helicopters fly overhead, hold up your signs and babies, and cry. If you don't have a baby, any reasonable facsimile will do--the news choppers won't be stopping for you or flying low before the gunfire slacks off.
9. If a "Mandatory Evacuation" is ordered, that means that you are required to leave the area on the first federal bus that picks you up. Be sure to leave your porch light on, so they'll know where to stop for you. You'll know the right buses--they'll have out-of-state licence plates. Do not be picky; they will all be air-conditioned, so please do not "hold out" for high-backed seats or the bus Jenna Bush is driving--it is, after all, an emergency, and most of the federal government is going to be pretty busy taking care of you. Jenna Bush might be driving any one of those buses--after all, we've demanded over five hundred, from all over the country, and the first ones in might not be the ones from the White House. If that happens to you, simply document that fact carefully, for use in your implementation of Tip #10.
10. After the storm passes through your area, there will be reporters and TV cameras everywhere. Try to find one who's crying hysterically--they'll be much more effective getting the word out. When it's your turn to go on the air, you should cry, too, and clearly state the points you're there to make. These will be the same things you wrote on your signs, but you should memorize their contents before or during the storm, so you won't appear to be trying to read them. There may still be some wind at this stage, too, and it might make the signs hard to read while you're on the air. After you've had your fifteen seconds of service to your state, return quickly to your home, put up your signs, then get onto your flotation device to await the arrival of federal aid or high water. DO NOT SHOOT AT THE ORANGE HELICOPTERS. THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS. ONLY BLACK HELICOPTERS SHOULD BE FIRED UPON.
Special notice: If you observe helicopters in the devastated areas bearing state or local markings, report them immediately to someone in authority; they will almost certainly have been stolen, or their markings are counterfeit.
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****A postscript to our friends in Texas: We hope this helps. Louisiana has much more experience with this sort of thing than you oil barons and jackrabbit-herders, and we know what works in these cases. Your success in riding out your storm will depend, in the end, on how well you implement these essential steps! Remember, even a very "bad" storm can be turned to your advantage, if you're prepared in advance.
If you have any doubts about that, we refer you to the results we've achieved in Louisiana: Over $140,000,000,000 in new federal aid is already pouring in, and the final tally is still growing!
Go for it, Texas--there's plenty more where that came from!
Signed,
Louisiana
lol/ping
Very good, have forwarded to all that might be affected.