Apocalypse Live (Description of a category 4 or 5 hurricane from three weeks ago)

Red Shtick Magazine ^ | July/August 2005 | Chris Fontana

[hoppity]

Brace yourselves, capital citizens, for yet another hurricane season! Yes, Louisiana’s annual brush with death is back with a vengeance. Merely two months old, the 2005 season promises to be a force to be reckoned with, having spawned an unprecedented number of name-worthy storms thus far. Things don’t appear to be settling down any time soon, either: As I write this article, “Emily” is assuming the position in the Gulf of Mexico! How can we be on the letter “E” this early in the game? Still, “Arlene” was a bit of a let down, “Bret” proved unremarkable, “Cindy” was a tease, and “Dennis” chose not to grace us with his presence. However, if I’m still apologizing for my drunken Roman candle exhibition over the Fourth of July weekend (which I am), then Mother Nature’s got a surplus of season over which to work on improving her aim.

So, is anyone in Baton Rouge prepared for hurricane season? Of course not! Why should you be? Next to nobody in this swampy, ever-vanishing state seems to take its impending doom seriously! And yeah, you all heard right: I just had the nerve to preach to you about taking something seriously! Given that I’m from New Orleans, that’s pretty damn funny…and for those of you lucky enough to know me personally, it’s f–king high-larity! Sure, I’ve got absolutely no room to talk, but in this case, neither does anybody else! In fact, when it comes to hurricane preparedness, the only thing more ridiculous than the attitude of most Southern Louisiana residents is the fact that this lethal indifference is a statewide phenomenon.

[hoppity]

My wife and I were in Baton Rouge August 12 to fly home from our anniversary trip to Lafayette and New Orleans. This free newspaper was in the rack at Frank's restaurant where we ate.

As I read this, I believed that all of the damage could happen, but never did I think all at once. I had my wife read it, too. I just found the paper, and found they have this website. Unbelievably accurate prediction of what really happened.

This is a college paper, so be warned of bad language.

[bikepacker67]

Rebuilding NOLA at it's current lat/long would be criminal.

[bikepacker67]

New Orleans has nonetheless beaten out all of its sibling settlements throughout Acadiana to land the starring role in the country’s biggest, blockbuster, coming attraction of a catastrophe!

This article was originally posted on August 05, 2005

Yowza.

Nostradamus has nothing on this guy!

[hoppity]

My wife and I have been talking about this article for days. It's really chilling.

[bikepacker67]

This paragraph really freezes the bones:

Let’s see, so far we’ve got monsters, your late Aunt Beatrice’s bloated corpse (a handy floatation device, perhaps?), and…what’s missing? Oh yeah, you’re not sick yet! Once a coalition of raccoons and nutria kick your ass off of someone’s roof, it’s a fairly safe bet that you’ve contracted something. From what, you ask? Take your pick, ‘cause all of it’ll be a part of the same cocktail: industrial waste, garbage, raw sewerage, and let’s not forget the rotting corpses! But at least you won’t feel singled out, as damn near 70% of our state’s population resides in a coastal zone, 90% of which is below sea-level – so don’t worry, the flooding should be so widespread that no one need worry about dying alone. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask the Red Cross (‘cause they know)… and they expect the death toll to land somewhere between 25 and 100 thousand.

[WIladyconservative]

Quite amazing insight/foresight/whatever.

[Shermy]

Interesting prognostication and commentary on Louisiana lackadasiacalness.

[Shermy]

Royce Newbie Hoppity: keep that issue, it's a souvenir.

Go to the bottom of the web page, says posted August 5, 2005.

Another link there for comments. There's just one comment at this time.

Royce
Newbie

Joined: Jun 25, 2005 Posts: 2
Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 1:54 pm Post subject:
well I guess chris fontana feels like nostradamus (sp?) right about now. hahaha this is it right? will katrina be the one? damn i wish i had some money i'd go to new orleans just to get hammered and find out.

I hope "Royce" didn't do that.

[Dog Gone]

New Orleans, Houston, Tampa and Mobile are all sitting ducks on the Gulf coast. New Orleans has always been the most vulnerable.

Anybody who cared knew it. It just seems that most didn't care.

[okie01]

damn i wish i had some money i'd go to new orleans just to get hammered and find out.

Being busted can sometimes save one from one's self...

Thanks for the ping.

[Kenny Bunk]

Since Shermy wins the

"Chillingly Accurate Prognostication Post Award,"

I feel it only fair, given my Freeper Reputation, to post the

"Dumbest Remarks Uttered by
a NOLA Native to a FRman on a cell phone"

viz and sic "Yo KB, hope yawl ain't worried. We dodged the bullet, baby. Storm's going East. Just having a couple drinks with my neighbors now. Two-three inches in the street. Nothin'."

This message from the French Quarter, Early Monday. NSNOLA.

[okie01]

Yo, indeed...

[ScreamingFist]

• Even though the death toll in New Orleans will be sky high, it won’t be nearly as high as the number of residents who will survive only to be left homeless. Now, if our hometown ceases to exist or is rendered uninhabitable for a time, where do you think we’re going to want to crash until we get our sh–t together? That’s right: good old Baton Rouge! That won’t be a problem, will it? C’mon, y’all have to have seen this coming; I mean, you’re the obvious best choice. Where the hell else is simultaneously close enough to be a realistic target for a mass evacuation, yet far away enough to be adequately dry relatively soon? To top it all off, Baton Rouge has the kind of well-entrenched infrastructure needed to accommodate a large number of refugees – and the space! Yep…plenty of room for the feds to set up all the pre-fabricated housing we’re going to need. Betcha that’s gonna look real classy…eh, neighbor?

I'm speechless. I hope Chris Fontana lived to realize his incredible foresight......Prayers for the survivors.