Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

French History of Warfare
AlbinoBlacksheep ^

Posted on 08/12/2005 1:39:29 AM PDT by Jeff Chandler

 The Complete Military History of France

***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.

We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.




TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: cowards; defeat; france; french; frogs
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-75 last
To: The Grammarian

Isn't Corsican different then French?


61 posted on 08/13/2005 1:19:00 AM PDT by nickcarraway (I'm Only Alive, Because a Judge Hasn't Ruled I Should Die...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 55 | View Replies]

To: nickcarraway

The short answer: Yes.

The long answer: Corsica is a province within France (though it was not always so). Its natives, the Corsicans, are a distinct ethnic group with their own language (Corse), quite apart from the French.


62 posted on 08/13/2005 1:23:38 AM PDT by The Grammarian
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 61 | View Replies]

To: billnaz

Are your referring to the Foreign Legion? If so, you're a bit off the mark: 90% of the officers are French, and about a third of the other ranks are too. Visit the FFL website, it's quite interesting.
The Spanish "Foreign" Legion, I hear, is entirely Spanish.


63 posted on 08/13/2005 1:56:19 AM PDT by ukman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 57 | View Replies]

To: ukman

UKMAN :

First off without the US ou would be speaking German. It was our ships that kept feeding you with supplies.

Not that the brave pilots of the RAF did not keep the fight from being an Invasion. Without air support Hitler would not invade.

But then you decided you had had enough of the Great Winston Churchill and FIRED him when it was all over.

You became a Democratic Country in name only. You are more socialistic and becoming like France every day.

You had you pretty boy Monty, which won in the Desert with the help of blow up rubber tanks. Which fooled the Germans.

Yet when it came time to win in Normandy we were always waiting on Monty. Falaise Gap comes to mind. It would have been closed had Monty MOVED FASTER.

Operation Market Garden was a FAILURE. The British tankers were under orders not to destroy property unnecessarily. And the 101st Airborne who made ALL there objectives, were watching the Brit tankers sitting on the road having their spot of tea when the British 6th Airborne was getting chewed to pieces with no armor support. After which they were no longer an effective fighting force.

American tankers would not have stopped until they reached their men. As proven in Bastogne. Pattons tanks moved fast never stopped to take a break to reach the city.

Our Forces NEVER lost a battle in Viet Nam. The war was lost on politics.

We produced over 50,000 Sherman tanks plus planes, trucks etc.... to win the war in Europe.

And what we should have done is what the left is saying now. Leave Europe to its own because it was the Japs who attacked Pearl not Germans. As was said in WWI and WWII it is just the Euopeans fighting again. Let them fight their own war we will not get involved.

For you Brits sake thanks Tojo and the Imperial Navy. Without the US and the manpower and supplies Britain would have made a deal with Hitler because the common enemy to you both was Stalin. Winston hated the commies.


64 posted on 08/13/2005 3:59:15 AM PDT by Michael121 (An old soldier knows truth. Only a Dead Soldier knows peace.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: nickcarraway

Corsicans are really Italians, just as Alsatians are really Germans.


65 posted on 08/13/2005 4:26:45 AM PDT by ZULU (Fear the government which fears your guns. God, guts, and guns made America great.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 61 | View Replies]

To: Hemingway's Ghost; ukman

The deck of the USS Constittution has never been trod by the foot of an enemy of this country, except after they surrendered that is. And she has witnessed many of those.


66 posted on 08/13/2005 4:46:11 AM PDT by TXBSAFH (NHL legend Conn Smythe: "If you can't beat 'em in the alley, you can't beat 'em on the ice.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: ukman

This bashing is not in jest but in hatred. Hatred of the worthless, lazy, back stabbing frogs.


67 posted on 08/13/2005 4:47:45 AM PDT by TXBSAFH (NHL legend Conn Smythe: "If you can't beat 'em in the alley, you can't beat 'em on the ice.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: ukman

Yes, I know there are some Frenchmen in the Foreign Legion. I wrote with tongue in cheek.


68 posted on 08/13/2005 7:49:06 AM PDT by billnaz (What part of "shall not be infringed" don't you understand?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 63 | View Replies]

To: Michael121

>First off without the US ou would be speaking German. It was our ships that kept feeding you with supplies.<

I speak German anyway, but thanks.

>But then you decided you had had enough of the Great Winston Churchill and FIRED him when it was all over.<

I wasn't around at the time, but I think Gran and Granddad voted Conservative. As far as I know, it was the troops who voted Labour. Didn't the US vote G.H.Bush out of power after the first Gulf War?

>You became a Democratic Country in name only. You are more socialistic and becoming like France every day.<

The name of the country is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Doesn't sound either democratic or socialist...
Becoming like France, moi?

>You had you pretty boy Monty, which won in the Desert with the help of blow up rubber tanks. Which fooled the Germans.<

Monty a pretty boy? Whatever turns you on. :-). Apart from that, I think you're getting something mixed up here. It was Patton who commanded the rubber tank army prior to D-Day.

>Yet when it came time to win in Normandy we were always waiting on Monty. Falaise Gap comes to mind. It would have been closed had Monty MOVED FASTER.

Operation Market Garden was a FAILURE. The British tankers were under orders not to destroy property unnecessarily. And the 101st Airborne who made ALL there objectives, were watching the Brit tankers sitting on the road having their spot of tea when the British 6th Airborne was getting chewed to pieces with no armor support. After which they were no longer an effective fighting force.

American tankers would not have stopped until they reached their men. As proven in Bastogne. Pattons tanks moved fast never stopped to take a break to reach the city.<

I know Monty was slow and methodical. And everybody in Britain knows that Market Garden was one of our many heroic failures. So what is your point?

>Our Forces NEVER lost a battle in Viet Nam. The war was lost on politics.<

As the Vietnamese guy said, the military part is irrelevant. Wars are often lost politically, after all, war is just the continuation of politics by other means, said Clausewitz. But never mind.

>And what we should have done is what the left is saying now. Leave Europe to its own because it was the Japs who attacked Pearl not Germans. As was said in WWI and WWII it is just the Euopeans fighting again. Let them fight their own war we will not get involved.

For you Brits sake thanks Tojo and the Imperial Navy. Without the US and the manpower and supplies Britain would have made a deal with Hitler because the common enemy to you both was Stalin. Winston hated the commies.<

That's all in the realm of "What if...?". I do however doubt Churchill would ever have made a deal with Hitler.

Anyway, like I said, you're taking my post too seriously.


69 posted on 08/13/2005 8:40:42 AM PDT by ukman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 64 | View Replies]

To: Jeff Chandler
While Dien Bien Phu was a disaster for the French, the French command managed to sink to greater depths by abandoning their Groupements de Commandos Mixtes Aeroportes, GCMAs, in the mountains and jungles beyond Lao Kay.

Radio calls from the GCMAs went unheeded by French main forces headed for repatriation.

Zut!

70 posted on 08/13/2005 9:18:56 AM PDT by BIGLOOK (I once opposed keelhauling but recently have come to my senses.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: TXBSAFH

>This bashing is not in jest but in hatred. Hatred of the worthless, lazy, back stabbing frogs.<

Oh dear. Well, I don't hate the French (nor anybody else for that matter), they're the way they are, just as we are. As it happens, I didn't enjoy my time there much, though the people were very nice. It's just that our cultures are so different, nearly incompatible. I loved the food and wine, but their beer was dreadful, and they didn't really appreciate my sense of humour. To each his own.


71 posted on 08/13/2005 9:44:53 AM PDT by ukman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 67 | View Replies]

To: ukman
First off, the Rubber Tank Army was because the Germans thought if Patton was not moving then the invasion was not going to happen. In the desert it was the ruse that won. It WAS a military victory but too much credit was given to Monty, and he showed his true nature in his other commands in Normandy by being too timid never going without too much support. More arty was fired in support of Market-Garden to really no effect. Pres. Bush was not voted out because of the Gulf War he as voted out becasue it was about a tax increase. He allowed it too happen. it was not because We wanted more government but less. You Brits opted for more government in your lives like health care. It used to be the Brits would stand up for themselves now you expect someone else to do it for you.
72 posted on 08/14/2005 7:03:25 AM PDT by Michael121 (An old soldier knows truth. Only a Dead Soldier knows peace.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 69 | View Replies]

To: Michael121

You obviously don't think much of us British. We have our faults, I agree, and I'm no great Monty fan either. On the other hand, he liked to be cautious - and his political masters liked him to be cautious - because he and they and everybody else in the UK feared any repetition of the Somme.
Market Garden was about the only operation where he WASN'T cautious. Ah well, it was worth a try.
If you Americans want less government and taxes, I'm surprised you seem to put up with such high taxes and intrusive government. We British have always had higher expectations from the state; after all, we like to see out taxes put to reasonable use.
However, this is a traditional European mindset, and the US has its own mindset.


73 posted on 08/14/2005 8:21:38 AM PDT by ukman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 72 | View Replies]

To: billnaz

OK! I thought it was just ignorance. I like to keep the record straight. The son of a friend of mine joined the Legion as a para,, much to his mother's distress. I think he was in the British paras before (or was it the Marines?). No matter.


74 posted on 08/14/2005 8:28:41 AM PDT by ukman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 68 | View Replies]

To: Jeff Chandler

"FOR SALE: French military rifle, never fired, dropped once."


75 posted on 08/14/2005 8:29:57 AM PDT by muir_redwoods (Free Sirhan Sirhan, after all, the bastard who killed Mary Jo Kopechne is walking around free)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-75 last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson