(Stalingrad, Vermont) -- Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that in order to promote pro-choice awareness, and raise badly needed funds for the DNC, he will personally perform non-stop pregnancy terminations in the world's first televised 24-hour "Abort-A-Thon." The event will be televised on MSNBC on August 15th and will be hosted by Air America's Janeane Garofalo.
"Flag-waving, apple pie, and motherhood are all characteristics of the far-right extremists," said Dr. Dean. "We Democrats believe in flag burning, tofu and baby killing. I mean, who needs babies anyway? They smell funny, use up a lot of resources, and they can't even vote. They're useless, I say."
Dr. Dean then went on to say that he favors all abortions, including partial-birth abortions and a new category he calls "4th-trimester abortions."
"Kill 'em all, God will know his own, that's what the Arabs say," said Dr. Dean. And I'd trust the Arabs any day over George Bush."
In related news, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said yesterday in a speech before the American Medical Association that while she personally does not favor the mass murder of infants she doesn't think that it is right for her to try to impose her views on anyone else. She also said that it is her goal to find a "middle way" to resolving this problem, one that has termed the "Soylent Green Solution" whereby 35% of all babies conceived in any given year would not be aborted, but would be sent to North Korea to help alleviate that country's chronic starvation.
"Babies are a replenishable natural resource," said Senator Clinton. "And they taste like chicken" ......