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Zero Stars For Star Wars VI (Spoiler Alert)
cbsnews.com ^ | May 16, 2005 | John Podhoretz.

Posted on 05/16/2005 1:18:49 PM PDT by Destro

Zero Stars For Star Wars VI

May 16, 2005

This column was written by John Podhoretz.

The final Star Wars is, as writer-director George Lucas promised, a tragedy -- but it's not the tragedy Lucas thinks it is.

Ever since he began making his second set of Star Wars movies a decade ago, Lucas said that Episode III: Revenge of the Sith would be the unvarnished story of the young knight Anakin Skywalker's degeneration and conversion into the black-helmeted, black-outfitted Darth Vader, the villain of the first three films. The tale of woe it really tells is that of George Lucas himself, the final chapter in the sad degeneration of a vital, vivid, and highly amusing moviemaker into a dull, solipsistic, and humorless incompetent.

Lucas had more than a quarter of a century to figure out why Anakin Skywalker went bad. And here's what he came up with: Anakin is afraid of losing his wife Padmé in childbirth. Padmé tries to reassure him: "I promise you I won't die in childbirth," she says, offering a touching expression of her faith in the range of health-care services that were available a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. That over-deliberate line of dialogue is typical of Revenge of the Sith, which joins its immediate predecessor Attack of the Clones on a very short list of films that deserve to compete for the Worst Script Ever Written.

"Hold me, Anakin!" Padmé tells her husband. "Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo!"

No performer living or dead could pronounce the word "Naboo" without sounding like a moron, and Lucas matches that authorial infelicity with dozens of others. One of the movie's villains is named "Dooku," and it's a pity that Lucas didn't arrange for Dooku to visit Naboo, because that could have generated a truly memorable piece of dialogue, like "You should never have come to Naboo, Dooku!"

Later in the film, Vader's mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Padmé that her hubby has murdered some children: "He killed younglings at the Jedi temple!" She storms off and confronts him: "Obi-Wan says you killed younglings!"

Padmé's anger and shock seem a mite surprising, since in Attack of the Clones her then-boyfriend Anakin had told her about another occasion on which he had killed some kids. This is spoken in a soliloquy that suggests what Macbeth might have been like if it had been written by George Lucas: "I killed them! I killed them all! They're dead, every single one of them! And not just the men, but the women and the children, too!! I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM!"

But I digress, because that speech isn't in the film under review -- and there are plenty of other hilarious examples of bad writing on display in Revenge of the Sith.

For example: Obi-Wan uncovers the killing of the younglings by checking out some hidden video at the Jedi Temple. The wise old creature Yoda, who may be the most intelligent person in the universe, but seems to have learned English by reading old Time magazines, warns him: "Obi-Wan, watch the surveillance tapes you should not!"

Yoda has just returned from a diplomatic mission to a planet inhabited by bipedal gorillas because, as he explains in the rounded tones of an opponent of the John Bolton nomination, "Good relations with the Wookiees I have." Later, a defeated Yoda sighs: "Into exile I must go." You half-expect him to be followed by six other dwarves chanting, "Hi ho, hi ho / Into exile we will go . . . "

Anakin is invited to attend the theater as a guest of the president of the republic (a scene that allows Lucas to let us know that the favored form of entertainment in the highly advanced Star Wars galaxy is a Cirque du Soleil show performed inside a blob of translucent Jell-O). The president tells him about the Dark Side of the Force, and how it can be used to bring people back from the dead. Anakin decides he wants in. To which the only possible response is: That's it? The entire universe is thrown out of balance and evil defeats good all because one petulant and whiny guy doesn't want Natalie Portman to buy the farm?

"Dialogue is not my thing," Lucas has said. "I don't like writing, and I don't like scripts." But there is a whole lot more to a script than just the dialogue. There are also small matters such as plot, motivation, and character development. How is it possible that Lucas could have satisfied himself with the notion that the destruction of the galactic democracy and the triumph of evil over good could all have sprung from a single lousy pregnancy? Granted, Mrs. Darth Vader wears some very fetching beaded outfits -- plus, she's a senator just like Hillary Clinton, only decades younger and way better looking. Even so, this is astoundingly thin gruel on which to hang six movies made over a period of 28 years.

Back in 1977, we were told in the original Star Wars that Darth Vader "was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force" -- that Vader had become a villain because he had been consumed by a lust for power, so that he could boss people around, blow up planets, and, generally speaking, control the universe. Like all great villains, the Darth Vader we saw in the first Star Wars actually loved being a bad guy. He enjoyed being able to choke annoying underlings by pinching his thumb and forefinger together. He relished his swordfight with his old mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi. He didn't even mind slicing his own son's hand off (in the second film) just to prove a point.

But the Darth Vader we see at the end of Revenge of the Sith hasn't been seduced. He's been tricked. He's not a villain. He's a schmuck.

And what of George Lucas? He is, by leagues, the most commercially successful moviemaker in history. Forget the billion-plus dollars he has earned from the Star Wars movies. Industrial Light & Magic, the special-effects firm he began with his Star Wars profits, grosses $1 billion per year.

But what happened to the director who made the thrilling mood piece American Graffiti, that deceptively casual account of a bunch of teenagers in a California town in 1962 hanging out on the last summer night before the school year begins? What happened to the guy who revolutionized science fiction by making an outer-space adventure that managed to be cheerful, exciting, and lighthearted?

The tragedy of George Lucas is that he made billions of dollars, and all it did was turn him into a drag.

John Podhoretz is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Culture/Society; Extended News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: moviereview; podhoretz; revengeofthesith; starwars
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To: Destro
I don't care if this movie was written by a Wookie. It will make billions. It has become a must-see for everyone under 50. Oh, there will be holdouts; I myself will either wait for DVD or sneak into a cheap matinee after the hysteria dies down. But this movie will become part of our cultural fabric, for good or ill. After all, Episode One did. And it was horrible.

And Podhoretz has it right: it's the writing that makes these movies stink. That and the acting. Improbable, silly lines uttered by talentless posers do not make for good cinema. All the cutesy crap -- R2D2, C3PO, the Jawas, the Ewoks, even that stupid Wookie -- just makes the movies even more pathetic, since they're as transparent as comic elements as Vader is as a Bad Guy. Vader is supposed to be larger than life. And to a large degree, he is. But the rest of the cast? Pygmies. And Anankin? Puhleeeze. He's Darth Vader like Don Knotts is Vin Diesel.

161 posted on 05/16/2005 3:31:34 PM PDT by IronJack
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To: Dinsdale
A Boy and His Dog is the hands down best SF movie ever made. The ending alone is worth the price of rental (if you can find it).

I don't agree that it is the best SF movie ever, but you're quite correct about one thing: the cult classic "A Boy and His Dog" has the best ending in MOVIE HISTORY! It's very stupid (in places) and very low-budget, but the ending is worth the price of admission (or, in this case, rental).

It's sad but true that the big SPECIAL EFFECTS flicks they make now-a-days have none of the class or creativity of films from the 50's, 60's & 70's. I will give Spielberg credit for single-handidly trying to revive the genre with AI, Minority Report, and others, but so far he hasn't come up with a knock-out...

The only film from modern times that compares with the oldies is "The Matrix" --but that's more of a Kung-Fu film than SF...

162 posted on 05/16/2005 3:34:47 PM PDT by Ronzo (GOD created the universe to keep scientists fully employed...)
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To: Borges

Yep. I'm looking for is a copy of 'The Further Adventures of Blood' which I understand was published in a mag and has never been collected etc.


163 posted on 05/16/2005 3:36:39 PM PDT by Dinsdale
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To: Dinsdale

I met the man and he's just as irascible in person as he is in print!


164 posted on 05/16/2005 3:37:56 PM PDT by Borges
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To: IronJack

like Don Knotts is Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel is a Don Knotts clone on steroids?


165 posted on 05/16/2005 3:40:42 PM PDT by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: Ronzo
The only film from modern times that compares with the oldies is "The Matrix" --but that's more of a Kung-Fu film than SF...

I would recommend a movie called Dark City, from maybe six years ago. It is like The Matrix without the kung fu. Really excellent flick.

166 posted on 05/16/2005 3:45:07 PM PDT by spiffy
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To: infidel29
OK, you made me do it....

Here's more Triumph:

(Warning: HIGHLY irreverent - not for the easily offended)

Triumph

167 posted on 05/16/2005 3:46:27 PM PDT by Libertarian444
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To: Borges
I hear the only author that comes close on the (*) scale is Pournell.

The strange thing about Ellisons writing, is that I just can't reread it. But the movie is great for watching anytime.

Did you ever play the computer game version of 'I Have No Mouth but I Must Scream'?

BTW per the commontery on the DVD when test screened 25% of the audience did'nt understand the ending at all (where did Quilla June go?). The movie big cheeses wanted to 'fix' it. Thankfully the director prevailed. I've personally explained it on the way out a couple of times.

168 posted on 05/16/2005 3:47:31 PM PDT by Dinsdale
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To: Ronzo

Did you see I,Robot with Will Smith?




169 posted on 05/16/2005 3:52:56 PM PDT by Alcibiades ("First come smiles, then lies. Last is gunfire"--Roland Deschain)
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To: Dinsdale

No I never have played the game. Ellison was one of my favorites growing up. I saw him speak at a local college and he was a blast.


170 posted on 05/16/2005 3:53:33 PM PDT by Borges
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To: longtermmemmory

alas poor Yoda


171 posted on 05/16/2005 3:55:03 PM PDT by InvisibleChurch (Look! Jimmy Carter! History's greatest monster!)
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To: Ronzo

50's Classics:
- 'Them'
- 'Tarantula!'
- 'The Flying Mantis'
- 'The Thing'

80's
- 'Liquid Sky'
- 'The Road Warrior'

90's
- 'Mars Invades!'

00's
- 'Galaxy Quest'


IMHO...


172 posted on 05/16/2005 4:02:26 PM PDT by bt_dooftlook (Democrats - the "No Child/Left/Behind" Party)
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To: Destro

But to all the kooks out there who live only to pump money into Lucas' bank account, the whole series is a strange kind of religion. My own son collects Star Wars junk and can't wait for the final movie. He'll never grow out of his SW obsession, more's the pity.


173 posted on 05/16/2005 4:03:28 PM PDT by Paulus Invictus
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To: Alcibiades

A good movie, but I prefered Minority Report.


174 posted on 05/16/2005 4:10:53 PM PDT by Ecthelion
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To: bt_dooftlook
Make that Mars Attacks!
175 posted on 05/16/2005 4:11:59 PM PDT by blues_guitarist (http://mundane-noodle.blogspot.com)
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To: madison10

I guess what I was trying to say was that I felt very let down. The music was outstanding and always is in the Star Wars movies and the effects are always great for the time, but if you're going to go to all that expense and demand such a level of musical excellence, you'd think Lucas could hire a real script writer to cleanup his dialog a bit.


176 posted on 05/16/2005 4:15:29 PM PDT by Diplomat
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To: Libertarian444
Here's more Triumph:

I'm crying... I wish I could stay up and watch Conan, but alas I start work at 4:30AM. Thanks for the laughs:)

177 posted on 05/16/2005 4:16:54 PM PDT by infidel29 ("It is only the warlike power of a civilized people that can give peace to the world."- T. Roosevelt)
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To: Borges

Harlan Ellison's interviews were always entertaining. He is known for being brutally honest. He is also a good voice reader and could have made a career as a character actor.


178 posted on 05/16/2005 4:24:27 PM PDT by WestVirginiaRebel (Carnac: A siren, a baby and a liberal. Answer: Name three things that whine.)
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To: Borges

Poor Lemmon's character.

and another good reason to hate Alec Baldwin ...... his 80,000 dollar friggin Caddy...lol


179 posted on 05/16/2005 4:28:03 PM PDT by wardaddy ( Lucchese Belt Raised)
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To: gridlock

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I think you scared 10 years off my life with that line.

:-)


180 posted on 05/16/2005 4:32:11 PM PDT by gogogodzilla (Raaargh! Raaargh! Crush, Stomp!)
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