Posted on 05/02/2005 9:49:23 PM PDT by gonzo
THE BUZZZZZZZ 13 ©
by Norman Liebmann
The buzz is, Bill Clinton must be feeling better. He’s following the doctors on their hospital rounds and autographing bedpans.
The buzz is, with things getting hotter with North Korea, the gang over at The State Department has asked Hallmark to dream up some cards with cute ultimatums.
The buzz is, in order to get himself presentable for the Oscars ceremony a
studio makeup man had to go over Michael Moore’s face with a rake.
The buzz is, Mexico is full of jobs Mexicans won’t do.
The buzz is, Johnny Walker Lindh has become a role model for California kids who want to become laid-back traitors.
The buzz is, Rosie O’Donnell may be cast in a new movie about the Trojan Wars. She has been offered the role of Helen of Lard.
The buzz is, it is an Arab axiom that sawing off a person’s head a little bit at a time is merciful, but walking them on a leash is not. Well, that’s settled.
The buzz is, cocaine dealers in the inner city are getting an early start for their bigger than ever back-to-school sale.
The buzz is, Bill and Hillary Clinton always have their luggage packed for when they get invited to go on an all-expense-paid second honeymoon as guests of The Witness Protection Program.
The buzz is, in Sex Ed, teenagers are being taught that the self-service pump is not something you lock yourself in the bathroom to do.
The buzz is, the CIA is training its agents to speak gibberish, which, presumably, in Islam, is the indigenous language of Gibbers.
The buzz is, a West Hollywood Producer is preparing an all homosexual remake of the adventure movie called “Mutiny on The Bounty”. In this version, The Bounty will have a gay bar and a reeeaaally campy crew.
The buzz is, Canadian doctors swear this is the year they will make every effort to block finding a cure for socialized medicine.
The buzz is, it emerges, at the height of his impeachment difficulties, Bill Clinton asked his cadre of religious advisors whether Jesus would get him off the hook - in case Trent Lott didn’t come through.
The buzz is, irrespective of the conventional knowledge, feminists are still interested in sexual relations with men. At a recent feminist luncheon the door prize was a gift certificate for twenty five abortions.
The buzz is, the Democrat Party has an irresistible magnetic attraction for have-nots, dumbbells, the chronic unemployed, and political lepers. They’ve changed their Depression days’ theme song “Happy Days Are Here Again” to “Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Queer”!
The buzz is, John Kerry has a plan in place for sucking up to Allah. He decided he will introduce it in the Senate just before he decides not to introduce it.
The buzz is, Jacques Chirac is planning to celebrate Bastille Day by handing over to Osama bin Laden the keys to the Eiffel Tower.
The buzz is, Arkansas honeymoon hotels will hold the line on their all-in-the-family rate. As usual, Mother’s Day in the Ozarks will be a pretty steamy affair.
The buzz is, in the new Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Army, howitzers will not be set on concrete emplacements - they will rest on doilies.
The buzz is, Palestinian parents kvell when their children blow themselves up into adorable smithereens.
The buzz is, when Bill Clinton has breakfast at the International House of Pancakes, the syrup doesn’t pour out of the bottle - it sneaks out.
The buzz is, racial equality is moving forward in California. The Los Angeles City Council has voted to desegregate the crack houses.
The buzz is, political scientists have determined that compassion is only compassion, but money is money! That works for me.
The buzz is, Toronto may proclaim itself a sister city-at-large. Takers? Anyone?
The buzz is, there were no foxholes in swift boats – until Lieutenant John Kerry heard the first shot whiz by.
The buzz is, the Bush Administration plans to build wheelchair ramps over the border fences for disabled illegals.
The buzz is, along with their ocean liners, The Queen Mary, and The Queen Elizabeth, the Brits are considering adding a politically correct luxury vessel called The Queen Bruce. If it goes down, it will not be for the usual reasons.
The buzz is, The Editors of The New York Times has decided not to publish The Ten Commandments because they were not staff-written.
The buzz is, contrary to environmentalist claims about oil drilling in the Prudhoe Bay area, the burgeoning numbers of the indigenous herd indicates the boy caribou are beginning to notice the girl caribou.
[Note: Caribou are all hetero. They graze - they do not “brunch”.]
The buzz is, John Kerry will offer a bill in the U.S. Senate proposing the U.S. Navy scuttle one of our aircraft carriers in Toulon Harbor as a gesture of good will to France.
The buzz is, historians project the future of our nation depends on Americans’ ability to resist journalists, gays, litigants, and people sleeping under bridges waiting for their court date.
The buzz is, the slogan “Less is more” did not originate with an environmentalist, but with a mohel (look it up.)
The buzz is, the drug companies are putting out a pill that is half Viagra and half Nembutal – for people who suffer from insomnia during sex.
The buzz is, the Canadian Parliament will pass legislation making it legal for alligators and crocodiles to intermarry. It’s about time!
The buzz is, anthropologists have finished a four year study of homosexuality and concluded “Ugh!”
The buzz is, John Kerry’s principal anxiety while running for President was that he would pull up lame, and a veterinarian would have to shoot him from a window on the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository Building.
The buzz is, in the interest of inclusiveness, welfare recipients want to change the name of the holiday from Thanksgiving to Thanksgetting.
The buzz is, personality-wise, Hillary Clinton and Nurse Ratchet are two people who would figure to be more than a little gemütlich.
The buzz is, doctors have decided not to operate on Senator Robert Byrd’s prostate, but rig up a kind of trailer hitch that would enable him to cart it around in a U-Haul.
The buzz is, a priest refused to comfort an inmate on San Quentin’s Death Row,
unless he could bring along his publisher. He wouldn’t give the condemned man the last rites, but thought he might go as far as the next-to-the-last rites
The buzz is, the Democrats sophistical strategy is, as long as they have no consciences they can claim to be incorruptible.
The buzz is, anthropologists are suppressing a mountain of evidence that demonstrates conclusively that Arabs and mosquitoes are descended from a common ancestor.
The buzz is, obstetricians can now predetermine which political party an unborn fetus will join. Democrat babies will only come out of the womb under subpoena.
The buzz is, in the interest of appeasing its Arab community, Canada may rig the NHL hockey season so that Yemen wins the Stanley Cup.
The buzz is, archeologists have discovered a subculture of sensualists among the Ancient Egyptians. They recently deciphered a set of hieroglyphics that read “Your pyramid or mine”? (Is it too late for Clinton to run for Pharaoh?)
The buzz is, Jesse Ventura is unable to stand being around all the phoniness and duplicity of politicians and may return to the higher calling of professional wrestling.
and this …
The buzz is, Florida’s “Hanging Judge” Greer will put a skull and crossbones decal on his limo for every helpless woman he orders snuffed, along with the bumper sticker that reads “Help Stamp Out Life Support”.
[Note: A delegation of Congressional Democrats has proclaimed that Congress has no business taking a position on the Terri Schiavo case – and then took a position on it. Of course, they have come down against her. Murder Incorporated is alive and well in Washington.] {and in Florida, apparently)
***
Please direct your comments to firehat
Firehat! This just in: An FR legend returns! Comedic genius on parade! Hot diggity dog!!! Hope you're well, Norm!
Good to see your work again, Norm.
BUMP!
Well, let's bang this mother again, so that the young'ins can appreciate real humour..........FRegards
Kids today...
You can lead them to a pelican, but you can't make them ride a horse.
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