This came from an Australian newspaper,
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.
Crabby old sergeant joke:
Why do lieutenants have pierced wrists?
So they can wear cufflinks with short sleeved shirts.
Go for the juggler.
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
This is my favotire Clinton joke, though whether it's family-friendly is open for debate:
C & R Suits is having a sale called The Bill Clinton Markdown. The coat is full price, but the pants are half off.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
Thank You for today's thread!
He didn't have the guts.
AHHHHHHhahaha. Get it? No guts? Hahhhhahaha.AHHHHHahaha!
Why did the fox cross the road?
To eat the chicken!
(my son told me that one)
What do you call a man with a brunette?
A hostage.
Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoots it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Bump for later laughs. Thanks in advance.
A passenger in a bus tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a truck, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the bus, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a bus. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Maybe Dubya doesn't hate Kerry
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his official car when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick Cheney, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is considered a spiritual leader with great wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "some may think he has great wisdom but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up?"
A proctologist is examing a patient as the patient is bending over his table. The proctologist whispers something to his nurse, who leaves the room. She comes back in a minute and is standing in the doorway holding a bottle of beer. The proctologist looks at her with a puzzled look for a moment and then says to her: No, no. I said to bring me a butt light.
