Posted on 04/11/2005 8:59:33 AM PDT by qam1
Haydee Leon is planning her wedding with a spreadsheet in hand.
It's the “something new” prospective brides need these days.
Leon and her fiance, Chris Mandernach, 25, have set a budget for their Sept. 18 wedding at The Clubhouse on Baltimore, and she's determined not to overspend.
When they got engaged in December, they decided they wanted a wedding that was elegant and in good taste, “but without going overboard,” says Leon, 26, who lives in Overland Park. “Something that was just reasonable.”
In the end, they decided that $16,000 was reasonable. It is, compared to the cost of a typical U.S. wedding, which is now more than $26,000.
That's almost 50 percent more than what they cost in 1990 according to the latest estimates from the industry.
Americans, it seems, are in love with love, and a savvy industry that throws seminars for photographers and wedding planners on how to “sell the bride” is a more-than-willing suitor.
From TV shows such as “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?” and movies such as “Bride and Prejudice,” to bridal expos, celebrity wedding coverage and Internet bridal sites, everywhere you turn, someone is saying “I do” — or at least telling us how to do it. This weekend will surely bring up the subject again with Prince Charles' royal wedding in England.
Today, the bride-to-be has her pick of at least 77 bridal magazines on newsstands, more than four times as many as the 18 published in 1989, according to the National Directory of Magazines.
Most of them will tell the happy couple how to save money and many a father of the bride has joked about mortgaging the house to pay for his daughter's wedding.
These days, that's no laughing matter.
Before World War I, the average wedding cost one-third of the annual U.S. median family income, says Alan Fields in Boulder, Colo. He and his wife, Denise, have become well-known watchdogs of the wedding industry.
By the 1960s, it had risen to half. Today, wedding costs are closing in on 60 percent of annual family incomes, says Fields, co-author of the popular Bridal Bargains series of books.
It's all too much for some couples. The commercialization of weddings has caused inflation and people are forgetting what the ceremony is about, says Pete Tarantino, a 35-year-old Kansas City loan officer who just got married to Susan, 31.
“It's important to stay focused on spending a lifetime together and not just a day,” Tarantino says of the planning process. “It's about your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God. Stay away from the magazines and the TV shows, and be involved with each other.”
“The focus has moved to the bride's dress, the size of the ring or how many people are at the reception, when it needs to be the exact opposite,” he says.
How did we get to this point? The idea of the big, fancy wedding is seductive.
Cele Otnes, an associate professor of business administration at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, spent four years researching weddings for a book she co-wrote with colleague Elizabeth Pleck called Cinderella Dreams: The Allure of the Lavish Wedding.
One reason the lavish wedding has taken off to near recession-proof costs, they argue, is that “it allows people to experience magic in their lives,” Otnes says.
It's guilt-free magic, she says, because people tell themselves this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, though that's not necessarily true anymore. Half of all new unions involve at least one partner who is marrying for a second time. And there's no more reluctance in spending big on a second wedding either. Encore weddings in the United States average about $12,000, Otnes says.
Weddings also let people “remember themselves as close as they'll ever get to being celebrities,” Otnes says. “People are young, and probably the most attractive they'll ever be, given the amount of pampering that's gone into one day.
“When you think about the powerful task that it accomplishes, it's hard to beat. You get a lot of sociological and emotional bang for the buck, even at $26,000.”
Romance is a huge driver of consumerism, Otnes says, quoting one of her sources who suggested that the lavish wedding allows us to express our romance with consumption and our consumption of romance.
So is it any wonder that the fairytale wedding has become the picture of a romantic marriage?
“A fantasy is much more appealing than reality,” says Susan Shapiro Barash, professor of gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and author of The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife.
The glamorized wedding epitomizes the hope for happily ever after and with that idea comes the willingness to create it at any cost, says Barash.
And it's important to today's young bride that her marriage is enduring. These are the daughters of baby-boomer women, many of whom are divorced or have never been married but often have careers and educations, she says.
But when these brides look at their grandmothers, they see women who have been married for 50 years to the same man. They want that kind of marriage. They want to live “happily ever after.”
“The 21st-century wife is determined to not have a stressful marriage, but to have a very romantic, exciting marriage,” Barash says.
Sarah Burkindine of Prairie Village has seen the fantasy of it all while planning her Nov. 5 wedding to Brian Roberts, 32.
“Weddings are becoming more of an event,” says Burkindine, 28. “I definitely think people are spending more these days on weddings than they did years ago.
“My aunt got married in the early to mid-‘80s and my grandmother paid for it by herself, and that wedding was much less than $10,000,” says Burkindine. “My sister recently got married and had a wedding similar to that one, but 20 years later the cost more than doubled.”
That is closer to the cost of the average $20,000 Kansas City wedding, according to local bridal publications.
“Weddings are more extravagant,” Burkindine says. “It's not your basic dress, tux and 50 guests. People get wrapped up in the little details, like favors, chair covers, huge halls, big bands and outstanding florists. But there's a supply and demand, and people will pay for it.”
It would be hard for any one person to pay for all of the cost themselves, Burkindine says. Her budget is made up of a large contribution from her parents, some from his parents and a few thousand from the couple.
That's not necessarily a new phenomenon, but this pitching in to cover the cost of a wedding is happening more often these days, wedding experts say.
“It's just becoming more unusual for the bride's family to foot the bill,” says Kara Corridan, executive editor of Modern Bride and Elegant Bride magazines in New York. “It happens, but it's not the norm anymore. It's almost seen as old-fashioned.
“We know a lot of couples bringing in a nice income and they feel funny turning around asking their parents to pay for it.”
Even arbiters of etiquette such as Peggy Post contend that it's not unusual for families to pool their money to get their sons and daughters hitched. Today, approximately 25 percent of weddings are paid for solely by the bride's parents, according to wedding industry estimates.
“I think that's a reflection of that $20,000 figure,” says Alan Fields. “It's just a lot of money.”
The Cinderella Dreams authors found little backlash to the lavish wedding during their four years of research. But they didn't meet Kansas City couple Jamillah Duckett and her husband, Quentin. They steered well away from the marketing and hype when it came to their 2004 wedding.
“My wedding was simple, intimate, elegant and romantic,” says Duckett, 29, whose wedding cost about $2,500. “I only had my sister stand up with me, and his brother stood up with him, and I would not change a thing about my day.”
Duckett thinks people have forgotten what a wedding is supposed to be.
“Spending your whole life savings makes for a dream wedding, but it's not the (blueprint) for a healthy marriage,” Duckett says.
“One of the main things for my husband and I is that we had to remember that this was our day, because everyone is going to give you their opinion of how they think your wedding should go and that, in itself, can be stressful,” Duckett says.
“Just remember the purpose and you'll be fine.”
The dress shop where my wife got the bridesmaids dresses was run by a husband and wife. After the initial order for the dresses (including the wedding dress) were place, the husband died. The wife, clearly not up to speed on how the business was run was unable to operate the business and everything got screwed up. In the end the wedding dress ended up as ordered but the bridesmaids dresses had to be changed and all were given a hefty discount.
Well don't let everyone know this, but Rubies are actually rarer than Diamonds. DeBeer's et al have the greatest scam running when it comes to Diamonds. Many other stones are far rarer (emeralds, rubies, etc)... but since a few small companies control supply, folks actually think Diamond's are rare.. when they are relatively speaking a rather common stone.
Sounds like you guys really made out!
My wifes engagement ring is a Ruby ring.
Leave their honeymoon out of this. LOL
They may be morons for other reasons... but the really big weddings I've been to are weddings by grown up professional people who have money.
It's hard to get a good quality ruby at an affordable price, too. So many of them at chain jewelry stores are either clouded or lab created. Emeralds, too.
Parents enabling overspending... yea, good job. Sorry, take 15k stick it in a mutual fund and have a nice wedding for a few K... Your retirement is now secure (assuming you married in your 20's even if you never put another dime of contribution into the account)...
LOL! It's just what I heard. ;-)
Really big weddings by professionals are not the "AVERAGE".. 26k is the AVERAGE.... Yes, you are paying 20k for a wedding when your 24 and don't have a dime to your name.... even if you are 30 and don't ahve a dime to your name.. you are just nuts.
Of the gawdy weddings I've been too, nearly all of them have been 20somethings without much of anything to there names. They wind up starting out their life together with a nice debt for a one day party... morons.
Well, being that you know neither the financial position of my parents, nor my wife and I, I will just leave this comment alone.
So much effort in planning the wedding. So little in planning the marriage.
It isn't in my personality to have such an affair, I'm not sure why I'm arguing with you about it... I just don't think the cost is the biggest problem in weddings I've been at... They're by people with good money and daddy pays for most of it unless it is not their first one or the bride is in her upper thirties.
My biggest complaint is that they aren't any fun to be at and the bride imposes all kinds of tiresome duties on her best friends instead of letting them all have a good time.
I think it's nuts too, especially if they go into debt.
I can add that the best way to keep the cost down is to belong to a church with a small seating capacity..ours is 125 or so..when we got the preliminary invite list from our newest son-in-law...HIS family's list was over 200..It didn't happen..
I would like to see a federal law passed banning videotaping of weddings..It's horrid..a distraction, annoyance, and just plain awful...I've been to weddings whwre the couple,a nd the bride's family, seem MORE interested on having a nice video and pics, rather than enjoying the wedding, and the reception...
Still photographs are nice momentos..but you have to tell the photographer when enough is enough...the wedding is NOT being run for his convenience..
I didn't notice this thread, and might not have caught it's deeper meaning, re: the myths of love, if you hadn't pinged me ... good catch.
Interesting article, too ... coming after being at the wedding in Ireland.
Mine's probably costing at least that much, and we're getting married sooner in Baltimore, too.
I didn't want to go much above 120 guests (room minimum), but mom and sister both mentioned it to a few of *their* friends, then mom insisted on inviting others, esp dad's old co-worker friends (before I had invited much of any1 outside my entire family - which is big, + my fiance's). So we may well be paying for 180 people. Had to cut out alot of kids (I like to have them, but there were just too many).
We're going more on the "expensive" route, but I like the place alot. It has class and along w/the great band (yes, they're great, not just some 80s-hair band), people should have *another* great event of our family's (we're rather famous for great parties) to really party at.
Some here said "that's not what it's all about". But look at it this way. Not only do I want to make it obvious that I & my wonderful fiance are getting married, but I love to have a good time and I love for the people to have a great party to attend. Sure it has nothing to do w/the marriage, but what the hell? Why not have a party?
BTW, while we much prefer to save money, we're not blowing any mortgage. My fiance and I are older, have had high-paying jobs for years, and I only just bought a house last year - having mostly lived w/my parents all prior (great savings!).
Also, I'm using my sister's dress, and my cousin is playing organ/piano at church and getting us a singer. We keep trying to save, but yes, it's sorta hard when you want a NICE FUN party for people. (And I've been to plenty of BORING CRAP.)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.