How The Right Has it All Wrong About Terri

We can all rest easy. Clearly the judges have everything under control, including who is worthy of a right to life finally. Now that they have successfully protected and preserved our right to die, we can rest assured that they will tend to all our other rights with equal vigor…

It was close there for a while, some judges taking almost 24 hours to decide to defend our right to be starved and dehydrated to death once we have lost our usefulness to society. But in the end, they all stood tall, even in the face of enormous pressure from the governor of Florida, the state and US congress, the President and even the American people.

At last count, they had arrested and jailed 47 hardened criminals who shamefully attempted on numerous occasions to derail a woman’s right to die, by sneaking her a glass of life sustaining water. It turns out the secularists were right, we can trust in men and man’s laws to preserve and protect our way of life…at least when it comes to death.

See, all you people on the religious right with your high-minded morals had nothing to worry about. These judges are such progressive free thinkers that in the process of defending death, they managed to solve a few other major issues facing our nation today.

When it comes to social concerns, none are bigger than the solvency of Social Security and accessible health care. Everyone knows that when people get older, they tend to require more health care and guess who is sucking up all the Social Security funds? Right, the elderly…

Well, both problems have just been solved. Now when people pass the point of self-reliance, requiring “heroic measures” like food and water in order to sustain life, we can simply offer them their right to die. That will eliminate their need for expensive medical attention and their drain on the Social Security trust fund…

The best part is they don’t even have to agree to accept the offer. If they ever made an off the cuff comment to anyone at any point during their life, that they would not like to live like some comatose vegetable they saw in a movie once, that’s good enough. No need for all the cumbersome paperwork of a living will or anything, we just need someone to come forward who remembers the statement they made during Terms of Endearment.

The judges even found a fast and painless way to assure that we go on to meet our maker in peace. Once again, the secularists were right. Just because they now have Terri Schiavo on morphine to stop her convulsions doesn’t mean she is actually in any pain mind you. Like the videos of her responding to her parents, the convulsions just look painful…They aren’t really, the judge ruled on that too.

This case also answered another nagging medical question. Just how long can one live without food and water? I have always heard it stated that the human body can’t last much more than a week without food, even less without water. Now we know. Even a woman who “wants to die” with a God who “wants to bring her home” is at 12 days and counting…

All you right-wing religious fanatics were wrong again. There is nothing slow and painful about being starved and dehydrated to death. It hasn’t even been a month yet. You people just can’t comprehend what a true act of compassion looks like… It’s a good thing secularist judges can.

When are you people who only trust in God going to learn that men know better? That no God can protect you like a good secular judge can? When will you learn that if you just trust in the laws specifically made for you, morals aren’t necessary? Justice is in the eye of the beholder. It’s only what’s legal that matters…

Besides, if you must have a set of moral standards, we can get a judge to make some up.

The progressive judiciary has solved another major problem. There is no more need for lengthy expensive legislative processes just to enact laws. Why waste our resources with all those people in all those expensive buildings just to pass laws when a single judge can accomplish the same thing with a single ruling…?

Really, we don’t even need a legislative branch of government anymore. It’s just too expensive and they spend most of their time fighting and bickering anyway. Just let the judges do it! After all, when a judge doesn’t like how law makers wrote it, they simply use a liberal interpretation to re-write it. So what’s the point?

Some of you people are slow to catch on. You should have known you could place your trust in the judge once he erected that wall of separation the founders forgot to install. If it wasn’t for judges, we’d still be living in the Stone Age, trying to apply some obscure outdated idea of right and wrong.

Many of you folks are still whining about some bogus right to life for the unborn that a judge resolved almost 40 years ago. Get over it. Move on and catch up here. We’re talking about life outside the womb now… Man you people are slow to accept change. Why rehash old judgments rendered long ago? The judge decided…now get in line!

You gotta get with the program. We’re solving big problems here with progressive ideas that will save us all a lot of money. You can’t keep letting all those hang-ups over morals and founding principles get in your way.

Keep in mind that it was progressives who gave us the HMO, alternative lifestyles along with a new definition of marriage and demanded justice even for terrorists imprisoned at Abu Ghraib. It’s progressives who are concerned about the rights of terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, a fair trial for Saddam Hussein and even Osama Bin Laden.

Come on… Climb aboard the progressive secular love train. People all over the world, join in! In the Judge we now trust, and the judge has spoken! Several of them as a matter of fact… So what are you waiting for?

We have big plans for changing America. The wall separating God, morality and decency from American society is almost complete. Don’t you want to be a part of the solution?

About the Writer: J. B. Williams notes that he is a business man, husband, father, and a writer. His website is at http://www.jb-williams.com.

Lessons i have learned from the Terri Shiavo news event reporting.

1.If your feeling a bit peeked don't travel to or through the State of Florida. If you happen to get into a problem with the law and have to show up in court and you can't speak for yourself because you have laryngitis, your court appointed guardian (ex girlfriend, former boss, mailman, sanitation engineer) could tell the judge that you plead guilty on your behalf. If the charges are serious, you are screwed. Hand gestures don't count. As long as the judge does everything according to the book, which means he lets your guardian talk, your lawyer talk, some other lawyer talk, maybe your parents lawyer talk, several professional witnesses talk, what really happened doesn't matter. You have laryngitis.
2.If you find yourself stuck in a situation like lesson number one, hope that the judge was an idiot. It's your only hope. You can bribe the lawyers. They will take your money. They will file an appeal for you. The appeals judge (who plays golf with the prior judge) will hear the appeal. The appeals judge will find no errors. The possible errors where all taken care of during over drinks in the bar after the game. You will be instructed to go to the next appeal court where this court can only review your case for errors that the previous judge made. You can bribe other lawyers. They will take your money. They will file an appeal for you. The appeals judge (who plays golf with the prior judge) will hear the appeal. The appeals judge will find no errors. You will be instructed to go to the next appeal court where this court can only review your case for errors that the previous judge made. You can bribe other lawyers. They will take your money. They will file an appeal for you. The appeals judge (who plays golf with the prior judge) will hear the appeal. The appeals judge will find no errors. You will be instructed to go to the next appeal court where this court can only review your case for errors that the previous judge made.

3.If you get stuck in lesson one or two and your laryngitis clears up, you can get a hearing to explain everything to the judge. However the judge will explain that the facts of the case have already been decided and the appeal courts can only review your case for errors that the he made. You can then experience lesson 2.
4.The old adage, “if you have to hire a lawyer, you are already screwed” should be changed to “if you have to hire a lawyer, starve yourself. It's great. It creates a feeling of euphoria. Lots of love, peace and tranquility.” Just what you need when you may be facing jail time or a big settlement.
5.Judges and lawyers (in Florida and lots of other places) are experts at what its like to die of starvation. They haven't decided to publish their findings in any scientific journal yet. I think they are waiting for the ink to dry on their mail order medical degrees.
6.Caregivers in a hospice that really care about you will make you comfortable by giving you stuffed animals to hold and let you listen to nice music while you are being starved and dehydrated to death. Food and water are only available in the cafeteria and the caregivers lounge where smoking is prohibited.
7.A hospice is not a hospital. Hospitals are where people go to either die quickly because they are really messed up or get fixed up because everyone there knows how to fix your particular problem real good. A hospice is where you go when you want a lot of people to stand around, tap their toes, check what time it is, and tell news writers that it is better that you die with dignity.
8.If you find yourself ordered to die of starvation and dehydration in a hospice in Florida, volunteer to become a piece of decorative foliage in the hallway of the hospice. A service crew will feed, water you and take care of you on a regular basis. Occasionally you will have to remove cigarette butts stuffed in your pot by the caregivers.
9.Women get upset at the wrong things. The president of a university can ask “is the shortage of women in engineering and sciences a result of discrimination” and he is berated by a lot of women for being the cause of the problem he is seeking to address. A woman can be ordered to be starved to death by a bunch of guys who wear black dresses in public and it's described as a beautiful thing.

10.Police officers who drive cars with slogans like “To serve and protect” are actually driving the cars issued to high school health teachers and prophylactic issuers. The actual police car slogans are “We keep little kids from trying to give thirsty dieing women a drink of water.” These real police cars are only rolled out during parades when the slogans can be covered up with yellow ribbons, pink ribbons, shamrocks, smiley faces or little red heart stickers.
11.Governors are elected to raise taxes, spend a lot of money and say, “i can't do anything to save a woman sentenced to death by a guy wearing a black dress.”
12.Presidents of the United States are elected to conquer evil dictators, protect us from terrorists, raise taxes, spend a lot of money and say, “i can't do anything to save a woman sentenced to death by a guy wearing a black dress .”
13.Many news reportersmakeruppers are very good at what they do. It is now an established fact that starving to death is a humane and pleasant way to die. The electrolytes meld with the cells and you know it just feels great. Interviews with several million people including jews from europe around the 1930' and 40's are being solicited. The news reportersmakeruppers are citing a right wing conspiracy as the reason why few are responding to the solicitation. Current death row inmates are slightly tuned up about these new facts. Many inmates are volunteering to become hallway foliage in the prison where they are incarcerated.
14.i'm glad i don't watch TV. Fox is preparing a euphoric reality show featuring incapacitated people being starved to death. Family members are invited to sit along side in restraints surrounded by water fountains and a McDonald's restaurant as part of the studio. Commentary is by lawyer George Felos. The spin offs are already in syndication. An OTB version with a pool on which participant lasts the longest/shortest. There is also a best dressed version, supermodel anorexia/bulemia and not anorexia/bulemia versions and most euphoric looking version. One hot idea about an American Idol version where the bedridden dying participants were teased into emitting song like sounds and judged on the star quality of the results. This one didn't get past the suits.
15.In my dehydrated, hungry, euphoric state, I can't remember this lesson.

For I envied the arrogant

when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;

their bodies are healthy and strong.

5 They are free from the burdens common to man;

they are not plagued by human ills.

6 Therefore pride is their necklace;

they clothe themselves with violence.

7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity ;

the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.

8 They scoff, and speak with malice;

in their arrogance they threaten oppression.

9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,

and their tongues take possession of the earth.

10 Therefore their people turn to them

and drink up waters in abundance.

11 They say, "How can God know?

Does the Most High have knowledge?"

12 This is what the wicked are like-

always carefree, they increase in wealth.

13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;

in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

14 All day long I have been plagued;

I have been punished every morning.

15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"

I would have betrayed your children.

16 When I tried to understand all this,

it was oppressive to me

17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;

then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;

you cast them down to ruin.

19 How suddenly are they destroyed,

completely swept away by terrors!

20 As a dream when one awakes,

so when you arise, O Lord,

you will despise them as fantasies-----Psalm 73:3-20

The Lord will have the final word in this.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.