Posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:37 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE.......
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
LOL! I like that one a lot. :-)
Great!!!. Males are males no matter the species.. can a person die from laughing too much???? This is a wonderful thread.
The Eagles have won a Grammy
Ba da bump ...
(with apologies)
What's the definition of "endless love"?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis...
Ewwwww, I looked....Ewwwww
Post # 180....now, he's purty. Look at those well developed arms. Couldn't you just imagine.......
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get offa my cloud"
The scotsman says" Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe"
Got to love this country.
Classic!
PHONE: RING RING.....
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"
Grosssssss
"Go get your Mother."
LOL! My dad will love that one.
Oh my Lord. Goodness. Wrong number.
Um...that's show up naked, bring beer.
www.userfriendly.org/
if you're unashamed to be called a geek you'll love it, if you fight any signs of inner geekiness you won't care for User Friendly
Grandmother's Song by Steve Martin
Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbours,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
Be pompus, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don't know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.
Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbours,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
Be pompus, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don't know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Go into a closet and suck eggs.
I think you're close on this one. I believe it was the Dating Game. The host (Bob?) asked the question you posed,
Bob Ubanks and The Newlywed Game.
Everyone check out this little Flash-based game. You use your mouse (or trackball, in my case) to guide a little dot around a maze, and you have to be careful not to touch the sides, kind of like the old kids' game 'OPERATION!'. It seems kinda simplistic at first, but gets interesting around the 3rd level.
http://terminal-insanity.com/z1g/steadyhand.swf
So a guy is selling door to door.
The door opens and a little boy is there. "Is your Mommy home, son?" asks the guy.
"No. I'm sorry. She's in prison for prostitution.", says the kid
A little surprised, "How about your dad? Is he home?", asks the guy
"Oh he's dead. He got shot in a bank robbery attempt".
(even more surprised) "Well do you have any brothers and sisters I could talk with?"
"Well I have a brother and sister. My sister is in a de-tox hospital and my brother is at Harvard".
(hmmmm..thinking to himself. Mom is a hooker, dad is a dead bank robber and sister is an addict but brother is at Harvard). "Son, now knowing what you've told me about your family, how'd your brother get to Harvard?"
"In a jar", says the boy.
Well, as the Doctor said in "Master and Commander: The Far Side of The World," "He who would pun would pick a pocket."
Shalom.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.