Posted on 02/07/2005 8:22:50 AM PST by UpHereEh
There was this thing on the Discovery channel the other night, or maybe it was on one of those nature networks, or PBS, I don't know, there's so many channels it's hard to keep track of them all. But, anyway, it was this really interesting science show about that stuff that holds us all together: skin.
They got to this part about what animals have the thinnest epidermal layer, and I guessed it would be an insect, or an amoeba, maybe some other nasty microscopic creature, because you figure, the smaller the life form, the smaller its various parts, right?
Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. Scientists have determined that, of all the creatures that share space on the entire planet, the one with the thinnest skin is the Bill O'Reilly, whose natural habitat is the corridors and studios of a region known as Fox News.
"This was an amazing discovery," said one of the researchers.
Some top-notch nature photographers, the kind who track lions across the Serengeti and film them bringing down gazelles, got some terrific pictures of the O'Reilly going about its daily routine.
They stalked the hallways where it roams, hiding around corners and behind water fountains when they feared they might be spotted.
"We observed some very interesting things," said one of the camera operators.
"It wasn't so much physical threats or provocations that produced a response, as much as verbal ones. The subject would go all snaky when certain things were said to it, which made us wonder whether sounds affected the creature in unconventional ways."
And then, they got lucky! The O'Reilly cut itself shaving in its dressing room and, when it left, the camera people retrieved a sample of the epidermis, hoping it might provide some answers.
Once they had it back to the lab, an experiment was devised to determine its sensitivity.
"This is something we've not seen very much in the animal kingdom," said one of the researchers.
"While almost all skin can be pierced with a sharp enough physical object — a knife, a sharp stick, even a piece of paper can cut you if it catches you the right way — it's very rare that actual sounds, the spoken word, for example, can penetrate an epidermal layer."
They did a demonstration, under the microscope, where the skin sample was subjected to sounds emanating from a tiny microscopic speaker placed alongside it.
"Watch this," the researcher said, hitting a button that allowed you to hear what was coming from the speaker, which was: "The CBC's fifth estate found that O'Reilly presents falsehood as fact, quotes sources that don't exist and shouts down those who disagree with him."
In the microscope, you could see the skin disintegrating. The little cells were bopping all over the place. It was wild.
"Now," said the scientist, "imagine those sounds projected in a normal decibel range, at the entire O'Reilly, as opposed to just a few cells.
"It would be like, I don't know, throwing acid on any other regular life form."
Of course, nature is a great compensator. What an animal might lack in one area, it makes up for in another.
So while the O'Reilly's skin is so thin that no scientific instruments currently exist to accurately measure it, the creature is so aggressively obnoxious that most predators prefer to give it a wide berth.
Apparently, the O'Reilly not only adapts to its environment, but requires its environment to adapt to it. That's why it demands that the lighting around it, while still bright, be slightly filtered.
If it were not, those looking at the O'Reilly might be able to see its internal organs or, at the very least, considering it often drapes itself in a wool-like material that covers most of its body, the inner working of its brain, and that would not be a very pretty sight.
Why are Canadians so irritated by O'Reilly? He may not be their cup of tea, but their attitude of tolerance should be able to adjust for him. Makes me wonder who has the thicker skin.
I just can't believe they pay for this crap (which is by far the stupidest article I've read this year)
Sounds like something written by a seventh grader for a Junior High newspaper.
OK, so my computer gives me the old "internet explorer has encountered a problem and must shut down" routine when I log on to this article.
Could someone please post the author's email address?
It's all about the politics. The Canadian MSM doesn't want any voices on the air that aren't affiliated with the liberal government.
Canada only recently allowed Fox to be broadcast in their country. I guess this is their answer.
Did the Toronto Star steal this article from some junior high newspaper? Speaking of junior high, I learned a vocabulary word in 7th grade English class that I thought I'd never use, but here's the perfect opportunity--"sophomoric".
GMTA...;^)
Linwood's a hoser, eh?
You can tell how threatened they all are because this is the 4th hack-job article by the Star and the CBC has done an entire documentary slamming FNC (not to mention the follow-up segments)
FOX news was recently allowed into Canada- their MSM is freaking out over it.
Just you?
They are, after all Canadians.
It's the global warming screwing up their beer and hockey ice. ;)
I'll second that. I'm embarrassed that I read as far as I did - A complete waste of time and, in the print version, perfectly good toilet paper.
No wonder Canadians are depressed.
They are just like our so called big three and cannot stand to have any competition.
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