Posted on 01/16/2005 7:12:33 AM PST by raccoonradio
You're John Kerry, and this is the worst weekend of your life.
This is the moment when you should be preparing to take the oath of office, trying to figure out how to say, ``So help me God,'' without choking on that last word the way all good Massachusetts liberals do.
You've been globe-trotting for weeks now, bad-mouthing your own country in Third World hellholes, but now you know Joe Louis was right.
You can run but you can't hide. As Hosni Mubarak told you in Cairo, ``You don't have to go home, Senator, but you can't stay here.''
You're John Kerry, and every night sleep eludes you as toss and turn, endlessly pondering the what-ifs:
What if . . . Mary Mapes had had sense enough to go on eBay and buy a 1970 Olympic manual typewriter?
What if . . . dead people and felons were allowed to vote in Ohio like they are in King County, Washington?
What if . . . Bob Shrum had retired one election cycle sooner?
What if . . . Al Gore had never invented the Internet?
You're John Kerry and you can't even go to the game in Foxboro this afternoon, because even if you hid out in Bob Kraft's box, eventually CBS would do a cutaway, and those 60,000 Bush voters in the stands would see you up on the replay screen and give you a worse razzing than the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
This is more painful than ``Christmas in Cambodia,'' worse even than those weekends when you had to sleep on the couch in your ex-brother-in-law's living room.
You're John Kerry, and you flew to Baghdad to rip into someone's ``horrendous judgments'' and ``unbelievable blunders'' - and you weren't even talking about your own campaign for president.
You're John Kerry, and the song they still play when you walk into a room is ``Just a Gigolo,'' not ``Hail to the Chief.''
Here is how bad it is when you lose for president:
You fly to Paris and no one will even give you the number of Suha Arafat, a billionaire heiress who's a little on the chunky side, granted, but considering the fact that she's 25 years younger and a billion dollars richer than Mama T, no self-respecting gigolo could possibly rule her out as a prospect in next year's heiress draft.
You tell the reporters in Paris that you can't speak to them in French because you're ``rusty,'' but you weren't too ``rusty'' to address the Haitians in Florida last October.
You're John Kerry, and these same pajama-clad lowlifes who took down that great American patriot Dan Rather have the audacity to post a photo of you with Chirac in Paris with this caption:
``Est-ce qu'he Jacques, je puis m'obtenir un drapeau blanc ici?''
Translation: ``Hey Jacques, can I get me a white flag here?''
You're John F. Kerry, and don't they know who you are?
It could be worse - you could be Al Gore in 2001. You could have to sit behind Bush on Thursday when he's sworn in. No wonder Al immediately went on the Elvis Presley diet and packed on 50 pounds.
You're just a gigolo, and the saddest thing of all is to realize that even a billion dollars can't buy you the presidency. But what if you had $2 billion?
You're John Kerry, and if somebody could just set you up with Suha, dammit, you know you could turn it around in '08.
You're John Kerry, and you could win, so help you . . . somebody.
'As Hosni Mubarak told you in Cairo, ``You don't have to go home, Senator, but you can't stay here.'' '
anyone know anything about this?
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post! Made my day... Hell, it makes my week and it isn't even Monday! Howie Carr nails it.
longjack
I love Howie Carr! He's a walking, talking, writing miracle IMO because he's from Boston, Mass. (dem stronghold) AND a graduate of UNC at Chapel Hill (1 of the 2 liberal nests in NC), YET he boldly takes on Kerry et al and laughs AT him. Humor is an effective weapon.LOL
I'm a new Howie Carr fan... Don't know how I missed all the other thread of his.
the humor works because there is a sense of entitlement among democrats.
the republicans don't have that.
And the best humor is rooted in fact.
John Kerry is a cornucopia of humor!
another keeper
LOL, I got a folder called "political pics" that must have 400 or more of the better FR found pictures. I back them up when I do backup.
Wonderful!
bttt!
we need a photo dump online here to keep our favorites 'safe'....
"I'm John Kerry, and I never will report for duty."
LVM
Alas, I'm from lalaland where we don't even have a conservative newspaper. I can envy Boston that.
Thanks. Great read. Passin' it on.
LOL!
Juat read your profile page. You "disabled"????? With all you've done and are doing? I salute you!
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