Posted on 01/13/2005 4:53:28 AM PST by Jim Noble
A few years ago at a White House Correspondents' dinner, I met a very beautiful actress. Within moments, she blurted out: "I can't believe I'm 46 and not married. Men only want to marry their personal assistants or P.R. women."
I'd been noticing a trend along these lines, as famous and powerful men took up with the young women whose job it was to tend to them and care for them in some way: their secretaries, assistants, nannies, caterers, flight attendants, researchers and fact-checkers.
Women in staff support are the new sirens because, as a guy I know put it, they look upon the men they work for as "the moon, the sun and the stars." It's all about orbiting, serving and salaaming their Sun Gods.
In all those great Tracy/Hepburn movies more than a half-century ago, it was the snap and crackle of a romance between equals that was so exciting. Moviemakers these days seem far more interested in the soothing aura of romances between unequals.
In James Brooks's "Spanglish," Adam Sandler, as a Los Angeles chef, falls for his hot Mexican maid. The maid, who cleans up after Mr. Sandler without being able to speak English, is presented as the ideal woman. The wife, played by Téa Leoni, is repellent: a jangly, yakking, overachieving, overexercised, unfaithful, shallow she-monster who has just lost her job with a commercial design firm. Picture Faye Dunaway in "Network" if she'd had to stay home, or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" without the charm.
The same attraction of unequals animated Richard Curtis's "Love Actually," a 2003 holiday hit. The witty and sophisticated British prime minister, played by Hugh Grant, falls for the chubby girl who wheels the tea and scones into his office. A businessman married to the substantial Emma Thompson falls for his sultry secretary. A writer falls for his maid, who speaks only Portuguese.
(I wonder if the trend in making maids who don't speak English heroines is related to the trend of guys who like to watch Kelly Ripa in the morning with the sound turned off?)
Art is imitating life, turning women who seek equality into selfish narcissists and objects of rejection, rather than affection.
As John Schwartz of The New York Times wrote recently, "Men would rather marry their secretaries than their bosses, and evolution may be to blame."
A new study by psychology researchers at the University of Michigan, using college undergraduates, suggests that men going for long-term relationships would rather marry women in subordinate jobs than women who are supervisors.
As Dr. Stephanie Brown, the lead author of the study, summed it up for reporters: "Powerful women are at a disadvantage in the marriage market because men may prefer to marry less-accomplished women." Men think that women with important jobs are more likely to cheat on them.
"The hypothesis," Dr. Brown said, "is that there are evolutionary pressures on males to take steps to minimize the risk of raising offspring that are not their own." Women, by contrast, did not show a marked difference in their attraction to men who might work above or below them. And men did not show a preference when it came to one-night stands.
A second study, which was by researchers at four British universities and reported last week, suggested that smart men with demanding jobs would rather have old-fashioned wives, like their mums, than equals. The study found that a high I.Q. hampers a woman's chance to get married, while it is a plus for men. The prospect for marriage increased by 35 percent for guys for each 16-point increase in I.Q.; for women, there is a 40 percent drop for each 16-point rise.
So was the feminist movement some sort of cruel hoax? The more women achieve, the less desirable they are? Women want to be in a relationship with guys they can seriously talk to - unfortunately, a lot of those guys want to be in relationships with women they don't have to talk to.
I asked the actress and writer Carrie Fisher, on the East Coast to promote her novel "The Best Awful," who confirmed that women who challenge men are in trouble.
"I haven't dated in 12 million years," she said drily. "I gave up on dating powerful men because they wanted to date women in the service professions. So I decided to date guys in the service professions. But then I found out that kings want to be treated like kings, and consorts want to be treated like kings, too."
E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com
What does it say? "Kill your husband"?
What BS, huh? If there is one thing mating is NOT about it's men and women being "equals." The whole tone of this article is very sad. Maureen makes it sound like choosing a woman with strong maternal and nurturing qualities is somehow moving down a step. She needs professional help. It's actually VERY feminine and very normal when a woman mothers her man. Welcome to reality, Ms. Dowd. And the world of...um...nature.
Geeez, Maureen, sex is NOT about competing with the man or trying to be an "equal."
Send her 2 dozen red roses right now.
How interesting is the way that thought is presented: "challenge" men?
They still don't get it.
How about smart men have more sense then to marry a fool.
Movie reference.
Make that into a poster or bumper sticker and retire. It is destined to become a classic line.
Shalom.
Yes.... and women always seem to have 'careers' whereas men have 'jobs'!
That first sentence is hilariously false.
I believe that MOST men want a woman who is kind, a woman who is intelligent (or sensible), a woman who shares his interests...if he is fortunate enough to meet that woman and she WANTS to cook, clean, and take care of him...well, where is the problem? These are not bad things. I do the bulk of the housework, including taking out the trash and mowing the lawn, as well as the typical "housewife" chores--the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, being the primary caregiver to our children. I take care of our finances. I write the thank-you cards. I push the vacuum and scrub the toilets. I am a willing partner in the biblical sense (wink). I do not ever look upon these things as drudgery. I do them because I love my husband and I love our family. Do you want to know what I get in return?
I get a nice house and a new van. I get the occasional bit of sparkly for my wrist or neckline. I get control of the remote (unless there is a Tigers game on, but I can live with that). I get lots of stuff...but its not about the stuff.
I get a best friend and a devoted lover. I get a kind man who draws a nice, hot bath for me when he knows, without my saying, that I have had a tough day. I get to hang out with someone who likes to go for hikes, loves to play Scrabble, rummy, and Trivial Pursuit. I get someone who is willing to put up with my stubborn streak and my Neil Diamond/Barry Manilow obsessions (FWIW, I put up with ABBA and the Bee Gees).
What I get is the sun, the moon and the stars.
Happy (early) Valentines Day, Ash!
In all those great Tracy/Hepburn movies more than a half-century ago, it was the snap and crackle of a romance between equals that was so exciting.
Citing the butch ballbuster Katherine Hepburn as an example sort of says it all here. Sad.
Yes,she does need a shrink. She does sound bitter. I know plenty of powerful smart men who married powerful smart women.
Dowd is unable to see any other reality about men and women beyond the warped and erroneous one she holds in her head.
Bad news. Here's the list of what men want:
Good sex
Comfortable shoes
A warm place to take a dump
That's pretty much it. And at some point, #1 gets tossed out.
Exactly and anyone who has a few neurons firing understands that running a home, particularly with children IS A FULL TIME AND DEMANDING JOB, WHEN DONE PROPERLY! There is no way a thinking and serious person can say, "Hey.. I work 80 hours a week, in a high stress environment, I want to marry another person who works 80 hours a week in a high stress environment so we can raise a family and nothing will have to give."
Reality is you know going in that if you do that, your children, home and relationship WILL SUFFER! If you have to make an appointment with a secretary just to see your spouse, you don't have a marriage.
I am so sick of this "men are small minded pigs and can't handle strong women" nonsense. Some of the strongest women I have ever known in my life were housewives, and feminists would never respect them because they don't buy into their bogus bill of sale.
A Strong woman is not a bitch, and a strong woman is not a woman who is running around berating those around her, that is a DOMINEERING woman... and a Domineering woman is not a strong woman.
I don't know where these folks get off trying to portray a graceful woman who puts her family above all other things and commits herself to that that she is somehow weak or subjugated. A truly strong woman is respected by the men around her because she has earned their respect, she has no need to demand it. She puts others before herself, not because they demand she does, but because she chooses to.. and those around her appreciate her for it and do their best to put her before them as well.. not because they HAVE to, but because they too want to.
Feminists and others confuse being a bitch with being strong.. when in fact, being a bitch is simply compensating for the fact they are indeed not strong at all, only narcissistic and weak.
Good Idea...
Public Notice, I am claiming the Copyright on:
"There is a difference, as wide as the pacific ocean though between being a strong woman, and being a bitch. The first is never the second, and the second always thinks she's the first."
I don't think you understand. A woman is kind and sweet if she asks, "Can I help you?" as often as she asks, "Can you do something for me?".
The difference only has to do with selfishness, not intelligence, career path, looks, or walking location.
Sweet women care about their husbands. B!tches care about themselves.
Shalom.
Maureen, you have a cruel little mouth and you only use it to inflict pain. I stopped reading your column a long time ago because it was only about you. How boring.
I guess I'm confused about the conclusions reached in this article. If men are marrying these women that are there "subordinates" (as an aside just because you are someones superior in a corporation doesn't make you actually superior) wouldn't the inverse be true as well? Namely that these women are attracted to strong men?
If both the men and the women are happy why is the author complaining? Oh wait...how is her marriage?
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