Posted on 01/06/2005 11:28:58 AM PST by pissant
Dear Dog Lady,
For almost six months, I've been dating Monty. I thought I was falling in love with him until he presented my dog and me with an inappropriate Christmas present. Now, I'm not sure. The gift was a pair of NeuticlesOriginal, fake testicles for dogs. My dog, Magic, was intrigued by them and tried to chew them and then tried to play with them. My dog rolled the little balls around the floor until Monty took them away and scolded Magic. I just watched stunned as all this was going on. I couldn't have imagined Neuticles until I saw them with my own eyes.
Right before I met Monty, I had brought Magic to the vet to be neutered. Monty says he doesn't believe in altering male dogs and made snide comments about Magic's lack of manhood. I admit I was turned off by the comments, but I never thought he would buy prosthetic testes for my dog. He's also pestering me to make an appointment with my vet to have the Neuticles surgically implanted. When I tell him I don't want to put Magic through this operation, Monty gets miffed and says he already paid $85 for the Neuticles online and doesn't want to return them. Despite being so worried about losing the money, he insists he'll pay the full freight for the surgery at the vet. He thinks Magic will be a happier, more confident dog with fake testicles. I visited the Neuticles Web site, www.neuticles.com, and found such celebrities as Rush Limbaugh have endorsed them. Limbaugh said, "Neuticles are just plain neat!" Maybe they are.
I will admit in my weaker moments, when I want to cling to my relationship with Monty, I wonder what's the harm in getting the harmless Neuticles sewn into Magic. Maybe the dog will be happier with a scrotum. Maybe it will bring Monty and I closer together. What do you think?
Rachel
Rachel, Dog Lady believes in Magic. Your dog doesn't need the fake testicles, nor will they give him any more confidence than he already has. The unnecessary surgery will add stress and scar tissue to your pet's tender area. Dogs don't do manhood the way Rush Limbaugh does. Dogs do Alpha, a status having everything to do with leadership, not the size of sexual organs. Other dogs will not be impressed or deceived by nutty Neuticles. One sniff of the hindquarters will tell a canine colleague that Magic's just another castrato in the pack.
In intact dogs, the male sac emits a hormonal aroma that stokes up other dogs with fascination, confusion or aggression. Plastic Neuticles do not have the odiferous power to stir up anything but your boyfriend Monty's odd insecurities. A Neuticled Magic will not be a dog, but a disfigured dog. Rachel, you did the right thing for Magic by having him neutered in the first place. Don't go there again.
Best you concentrate on whether you want a future with Monty. Dog Lady is not suggesting he should be fixed, but you need to fix your relationship. The gift of Neuticles was utterly inappropriate, even offensive. It's the same as if Monty had stuffed silicone breast implants in your Christmas stocking. If you think for a moment that sewing falsies into your dog will bring you closer to your boyfriend, Dog Lady wonders what other delusions you labor under. A good relationship comes with communication, trust and safety - for you and Magic.
Your dog is not a stand-in for your boyfriend's scrotal issues. You should discuss this straight on with Monty so he understands the boundary. It takes a real man, if you catch my drift, to admit his mistake. If he refuses to understand on a deeper emotional level, Dog Lady thinks his reluctance alone will tell you everything you need to know.
Great idea.
I hope they come with a matching spine. Frist needs that, too.
I think this is worthy of an ISHP.
If he really wanted the dog to feel better he'd have bought him some that were the size of oranges.
Darned great idea!
lmao funny stuff!
Now this is just weirder than I can deal with...People actually need advice about this sort of stuff??? People actually sell this sort of stuff?
http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html
"The ASPCA implores pet owners to neuter- but what about the emasculated pet? Now there's Neuticles!"
The Daily Show
"Medical Miracle? Procedure protects pets masculinity"
News Enterprise
"Neuticles are just plain neat!"
Rush Limbaugh
"Now only Fido's veterinarian will know for sure."
The Kansas City Star
"Neuticles are a fix for the fix."
United Features Syndicate
"Neutered dogs have new reason to bark."
The Idaho Stateman
"A re-invention of the mousetrap."
Paul Harvey
"Testicular implants ease trauma of neutering."
The Arizona Republic
From the neuticles.com web site:
"Two Neuticles models are available in multiple sizes- differing only in firmness levels. Each model replicates the pets testicle in size, shape and approximate weight. Over 100,000 canines, felines, equine and other pets have been altered Worldwide without a single reported complication when implanted as directed and minimal post operative cautions are employed.
NeuticlesOriginal®
FDA medically-approved (for human use) Polypropylene homopolymere-resembles plastic in firmness.
NeuticlesNatural®
FDA medically-approved (for human use) solid silicone replicates pets testes in firmness."
Replicates pets testes in firmness? I want to nominate the guy who had to verify this for the Popular Science "worst job" award.
"Da B#tches think my pitbull's neuticles be phat."
Snoop Dogg
BS. It was funny as he!!.
The Dog Lady is as nutty as Monty.
"Replicates pets testes in firmness? I want to nominate the guy who had to verify this for the Popular Science "worst job""
It's gotta be at least a runner up!
So obviously, it's not about the money.
I think the real issue is that this lady wants to castrate her boyfriend, not the dog. She's subconsciously finding a reason to hate him so she can mistreat him.
He should run away as fast as he can.
A job rivaling bull semen collector??
"If he really wanted the dog to feel better he'd have bought him some that were the size of oranges." Darn it, my secret is out.....
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