Posted on 12/23/2004 4:26:17 PM PST by Lizavetta
I don't think I ever get through a season without a couple of those Christmas letters. You know the ones. They really started coming with the computer revolution. Very easy to print out fifty letters as opposed to typing one. Most people send a card with a picture of their children. We hang them on our French doors. Most of these people we see maybe once a year but that's all right because a Yuletide card lets us know that we are still with each other in spirit. We wish each other the best, a merry Christmas, a happy new year, health and happiness...then comes one of those letters.
Sometimes the letter is inserted into a card and sometimes it is just the letter. The paper is usually stationary and chances are we receive these letters from people we haven't seen for years. I always open these letters with a sense of dread and begin reading. If Andy Warhol granted us fifteen minutes of fame and the computer age grants us fifteen nanoseconds then these letters are probably about four to five minutes of enforced self aggrandizement.
Now, after several years of reading these epistles I have come to notice several elements that seem endemic to the Christmas letter. First, it begins as an apologia for not having seen the many friends and family the sender has addressed the letter too. This leads to the main swing of the letter which relays in excruciating detail the busy schedule kept by the sender. If there are children involved then basketball games will be mentioned extensively along with Nobel prizes won by child one or two while child three is already studying in France under some great artist who has proclaimed a prodigy in the raw.
Then the sender swings over to a spousal summation of which CEO positions or stock grabs or mergers or some high political office in the near future is hinted at. Finally, the writer will come out of the closet and give the real reason for writing--the entire family--maybe thirty people or so are going to Hawaii or the Bahamas or Europe and no expense will be spared and aren't we the luckiest sons of bitches alive!
Now, the reader of these studies in self promotion is left with a strange taste. Something akin to smoking a stale cigarette. Since the sender is usually someone the recipient rarely sees there is no barometer upon which to measure these feats of achievement. Not unlike watching a television show where everyone is rich and beautiful except for the viewer. A churlish heat rises from the neck and suddenly we realize we have been part of a play we had no desire to act in. We were assigned the role of the captive audience to middle class bragging. The upper class couldn't care less and the less sent the better. But the middle class sender of these little epigrams knows damn well what they are doing. It is the new car. The new house. The finest school. The career that sky rockets while we go through our daily routine. There is the assumption in these letters that the life lead by the writer is intrinsically fascinating. The reasons for writing such a letter are undoubtedly varied. Not enough suckling as a child? Unrequited love? Poor self image? A grave miscalculation as to human significance in the universe? Or just plain old conceit?
Finally we reach the conclusion of the letter. Here God is invoked. The sender is now finished with the recitation of a life found on the RICH AND FAMOUS and now it is time to invoke the almighty to show that after all the materialist is a well rounded individual and does find time for the spiritual favor of a God who appreciates a man or woman who is successful by God.
Usually this blessing can take a very narrow form where the sender will say he or she is blessed but then a benevolent stirring can sometime take place at the end of this polemic in narcissism and the writer will reach out to us and here is our payoff for suffering through the machinations of the jealous heart.
I don't know what most people do with these letters after having read them. You really cant put them on a French door like a Christmas Card. I usually drop them into the garbage with the other solicitations.
I got one this year that pegged out the pretentious-o-meter.
We also get a couple of these every Christmas. There is one that always makes me feel like my life is completely hopeless AND boring so from now on I am not going to read it!
I get these letters every year from the mother of one of my daughter's pre-school friends. Our daughters are almost 14 now and haven't spoken to each other in ten years which is when the family moved out of the area.
These letters always drove my sister in law crazy, so she invented a game (which I use also) in which she substituted bizarre claims for the ones listed (ie "this year Junior had only one DUI, and we are so proud of his progress" or "The Princess went to the Prom with her lesbian lover, and we are enclosing a copy of the lovely picture we took."
It can actually be quite amusing.
We average about 5 inserts in cards each year. I
read the card and toss the letters. Not really
interested in how the son-in-law brags about his
lifestyle...I talk to his wife on a regular basis
and know these letters are more to impress the
other relatives and business acquaintances. But
your analysis of the overall letter is right on!
I doubt that even being told the truth these
people would alter their Xmas correspondence!
Happy Holidays! OH....Merry Christmas, too!
ACtually my husband and I adlibbed as we read it and had a good old time. We decided that compared to this family, we were total schmucks, our children were uninspiring slugs, and our house is a dump.
I don't mind the ones from the young couples. Mostly they talk about the cute things their kids are saying and I find it interesting. Espeically since most of them live far away.
But the ones from people you barely know talking about their latest remodel...those are very annoying. Plus they feel so impersonal.
I get the letters but none of my friends / relatives are as obnoxious as the writer's are. I do enjoy every one of the "our family did this and that" letters I get, but it does leave me feeling somewhat like what the writer describes above, because my life isn't like theirs.
I used to get one every year from my friend Holly. She called it her "HOLLY-GRAM". I am not sure if she stopped sending them all together or just to me...but it has a 2 years now without a Holly-gram & I don't miss it.
"The reasons for writing such a letter are undoubtedly varied. Not enough suckling as a child? Unrequited love? Poor self image? A grave miscalculation as to human significance in the universe? Or just plain old conceit?"
Oh alright, I have to admit...I only send one of these per year. The receiving party knows it's coming and why. I have best wishes for the receiving party, but I know the "X" reads all the cards hung over the fireplace...and I always get a funny response from the receiving party the day after Christmas.
From the FR search.....
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1054910/posts
Hi, friends and family:
Thank you all for your newsy Christmas letters. We’re a little late in getting ours out. Part of the problem is that we spent way too much time trying to read about all your doings, and trying to figure out what we could report to you. Here’s our best effort.
First of all, Janie got herself knocked up again. She’s due in June. She’s not sure who the Daddy is yet. She’ll find out sometime after June, hopefully before he runs out of town. Course, Marilyn thought she made it clear to Janie she was supposed to take those little white pills EVERY day. And, we thought those sex education classes at school would help, but, hey, what’s one more little bastard baby in the world anyway?
Fred’s still in jail. (You remember Fred…my brother-in-law.) That tax mess he created hasn’t been completely resolved yet, and, well, then there’s the unrelated charge about his, er, that nice new Chevy he showed up with last year about this time. He's hoping to be here for next Christmas.
Jim got kicked out of school. Seems he asked the teacher too many questions about her sex life during sex education class. We’re looking for a good lawyer; if anyone of you knows of one, please give us a call. (We’re thinking voting NO on the next school election until they fix those sex education classes.)
The grandkids seem to be doing fine. Course we don’t hear much from them since Marilyn told the daughter-in-law her house is a pig sty, which, it is. Most people know better than to eat there. Erin didn’t much like that. It’s hard to keep track of the grand kids anyway, because they all have different fathers. But, our son, Lance, bless his heart, he’s trying to be Daddy to them all. Still working hard. We’re just hoping he doesn’t hear the rumor we heard, that his wife is out cattin’ around during the day. That came from Erin’s former mother-in-law – who should know, since her son was Erin’s most previous husband. Yes, it gets complicated.
Oh, and speaking of Marilyn, she’s in the middle of peri-menopause…all you men out there should be able to appreciate just what we’re going through here. Lately, it’s been a little quieter, though. We found a new drug to calm things down a bit. If Marilyn calls you late at night, though, I’d recommend you don’t answer the phone. (And, now you know why I'm writing this letter.)
Me, I got a promotion at work. Now instead of doing all the work, I get to do all the work and tell others how to do their work, too. No raise yet. But, I’m real busy.
Other than all that we mostly sit around and watch sports and movies on TV, and during the summer work in the garden. Last year we had a nice crop of Roma tomatoes.
Well, that’s about it. Hope everyone has a great New Year.
Dick & Marilyn, too
You and me both! LOL! Being ex-military, we have a lot of friends who live far away, and none of our relatives live nearby. I do like to "catch up" and get a handle on what people are doing. But some of those letters are so nauseating!
My absolute favorite line from one is this: "Our daughter **** has decided to undertake the joys and challenges of being a single parent." That lady should have won some kind of award for that sentence.
I like getting Christmas Letters. The ones I get aren't really over-the-top. They are just busy people so I get to catch up and know they are doing okay.
Hmmm, except my mother-in-laws but I won't go there.
thanks for the laugh! I keep picturing Dennis Quaid from those vacation movies...LOL.
The letters my cousin puts out are hilarious!!! She and her family are fairly successful, and her kids are doing well. But she doesn't focus on that; instead, she writes a Christmas letter that includes all the accidents/misfortunes/embarassments the family had that year. And she has a way of putting a humorous "spin" on each story.
We actually look forward to her Christmas letters. But letters from others, typically bragging about their families, are always a bore.
I hate them also. I can't believe people think I give a rat's ass about their life during the entire year that has passed. I believe people are very insecure and must advise everyone when they make a purchase or go on a vacation. I am like my mom, I tell no one my business I don't even tell my co workers things that I buy. It must be the "evil eye" us Italians fear.
And of course, this relative always notes in the letters how sorry they are that they "never found the time" to visit any of the rest of us common folk. How could they make last summer's reunion when they were "so busy with that major real estate deal" in Salt Lake City?
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