The Many Kinds of Santa

We all know that there is only one type of Santa. He is a jovial, fun loving guy who only cares about how you behaved. But what if there are different types of Santa with all sorts of attitudes, personalities, and viewpoints? Let’s find out…

It’s sorta like bein West o the Mississippi. Beeyoootiful wide open spaces, lotsa game, no stress and no worries at all! Gettin food heah is easy. The fishin is jest dandy! You could fish every second o yo life and nevah, evah run outta fish. Ya wanna eat otha critters? Welp, just go get yo boomstick and go shoot sumthin. Or you could run ovah ‘em. Ya ever try huntin a seal with a heavily loaded sleigh? It’s mo fun than a barrel o monkeys! And afterwards, you roast the seal on an open flame and baste it in ice moonshine and eat it. BOY HOWDY that’s the best dang thing you‘ll eva eat!!!!!!!!! And nothing on the Lord’s green earth is as relaxin as sleepin all day on one o them thar ice floes! Come over to the pole sumtime boy, and we’ll eat moonpies, spit tabacky juice, wrassle polar bears, and have a good ole time!

Dear Santa, I’m moving to San Francisco and I am nervous. Is San Francisco a good city? Love, Janine

YOU GO GIRL! SanFran is so FABUOLOUS! Honey, you must have been a really good girl this year. Frannie is a really fun place to be. I’ve been there once, and let me tell you cutie, I just simply fell in love with it. If I could, I’d marry it, and that’s not just my gums flapping here, sweetie, I really would.

Oh where do I begin. Oh! Wait, wait, wait, Tonia’s Tofu Shop! Oh dear sweet heavens, anything they can do with tofu, they will. Tofu omelets, burgers, steaks, shakes, soup, stir-fry, deserts… Mm-mmm! Tell Tonia that I sent you and he will treat you divinely. Ooo ooo! Don’t forget the house specialty: tofu battered tofu on tofu bread with tofu cream and a slight hint of ketchup. NO WAIT! Sorry, not ketchup, just plain old tofu. Then there’s Starbucks. I’ve said too much. You just GOT TO get a quintupple bypass kumquat frappuchinolatteshakemix with a cherry on top. Don’t forget the cherry!

For a good time, go to Manrick’s gym. Manrick is a real sweetie. She’ll set you right up on the yoga/aerobics/tai-chi/interpretive dance/disco super combo course. By the time your done, you can turn yourself into a pretzel. Really cutie, you can. And honey, before your mommy and poppy move in be sure to hire Angelo, he’s a Feng Shui specialist and if he’s there to help set up the place, girl, your life will be simply FABULOUS!!

Oh my, my, my, my, my! Where does the time go? Sweetie, it’s time for my aroma therapy session. Enjoy Sannie you lucky devil, you!

Dear Santa, I have been a good boy all year and I want is a toy gun for Christmas. Love, Jamie

I don’t care if you are only four, I feel it is my duty to teach you a lesson. HOW DARE YOU ASK FOR ONE OF THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE FORCES IN THE UNIVERSE? Guns are evil! Just owning a gun gives you the compulsion to kill someone. Even if you don’t want to, it’ll make you anyway! Such is it’s power for EVIL!!!! DO YOU WANT TO BE A KILLER, KID!!?!?! HUH? HUH? If it weren’t for guns we wouldn’t have crime, and violence and everyone would be nice and polite to each other. I’ll give you the a bed time story book called “The Evil Gun”. It’s about how this gun terrorized everyone and how a brave group of Democrats saved the day. Start reading it and maybe you wouldn’t be such an evil gun nut.

Dear Santa, My mommy and daddy say I’ve been a real good girl all year and I’ll get something for Christmas. Can you PLEEEEEEEEEAAAASEEE tell me? I’m so sorry, but I can’t wait anymore! Love, Cindy

Aw shucks, I hate to ruin a surprise. But if you insist. For Christmas, you’ll get an AR-15 assault rifle and a Beretta 92 FS handgun. You’ll love it sweetie. The rifle fires a nice 5.56 mm round at 650-750 Rounds per minute. And that pistol? WHOOO BOY! That little sucker can pump 15 9 mm rounds before you have to reload, and with practice kid, one shot, one kill. This means you could kill 14 more times! I hope you enjoy it sweetie!

Oh and by the way, if any of them scumbag gun grabbers come over, just whup some sense into them with the pistol. Eject the magazine first, it causes more damage that way.

Dear Santa: For Christmas I want a toy truck, a GI Joe, a football, and a pair of roller blades. Love. Billy

Dude, All that greeed is so like uncool man. Ya know, I mena you gotta think of the children all around thw world who couldn’t get any toys. If I give all the groovy kids like you al the toys what’s left for little Jamu in Africa or Chen in mongolai? And gI joes?/! Whoa man. Back of from all that nastty imperialism! Gi joes are recruiting tools of the man! You play with GI joes and you become Soldiers .Soldiers are used by the man to help oppressed the poor and the minorities of the world. You don’t want to be a tool of tHE MAN”s oppression don,t you? You’re a good kid dued, I’ll give you the blades and some ddoobage…

Poh yeah… and patchuli. No one can live without patchouli… that’s why we keep secretlyadding them into the water supply

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is world peace. It’s the gift for all the good boys and girls of the world! Love, Sondra

Sondra, All that pot smoke that your mommy had went straight to your brain. Drop the communist manifesto, read some Free Republic, and tell your two mommies Gore lost, get over it. I’ll give you a Ronald Reagan doll with patriotic, tax cutting, liberal bashing, commie smashing, and terrorist bombing action.

By the way, smack them upside the head for me with Ann Coulter‘s new “How to Talk to A Liberal” book, which I will also give you. All that “Bushitler” and “No blood for oil” crud gives me a headache.

Dear Santa, Me and my family came from Saudi Arabia a long time ago. Everything was fine until the terrorist attacks. My parents and neighbors assure me that the Americans won’t hurt us but I’m still scared. What should I do? Love, Mustafa

Now that you have recognized the kafir for the pig monkey scum they are I humbly welcome you to the wonderful world of JIHAD!!!! Your parents and your neighbor are the tools of the Bush/Blair/UN cabal that is run by the Zionist JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

…hell-bent on oppressing Islam. As the Prophet, peace be upon him, said on his journey from Mecca to Washington D.C, we must destroy Diebold and elect Jacques Chirac as world leader then cut off his head for being an infidel with a rusty Black and Decker chainsaw while we feed Michael Moore to the apostates of Islam like Ayad Allawi, Harmid Karzai, and Britney Spears... Well okay I’m not too sure if the prophet said that. BUT NEVERTHELESS, we faithful Muslim warriors must rid the world of Zionist and kafr oppression. It’s like what Sheikh Osama said “We will spread fear, terror, and general meanness and nastiness across the coffee world. Go forth my Muslim warriors! Leave the safety of this secret sewer treatment facility and venture forth into the land of the coughers and DESTROY THEM!!! Although the infidels have tanks, guns, planes, missiles, bombs, and those nasty pepper spray that really hurts your eyes, I urge you to go forth AND BE SHAHEEDS FOR THE CAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GLORY TO ME- umm I mean - GLORY TO ISLAM!!!!!!!!!!”

YES BRAVE WARRIOR! We shall leave the smelly yet safe hiding place and get whupped by the forces of the infidels so that Islam may succeed in destroying the toffees!!!

For Ramadan, you get nuclear bomb… By the ghost of the martyrs! It’s the infidel gun ships! I must grab my RPG and DIE IN GLORY FOR ALLAH AND TINFOIL!!!!

No wait… That doesn’t sound right… I really should get a copy of the Qu’ran and compare to it to the teachings of my Mullah Ali Banana…

Any way, ALLAHU AKBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!! OOOOLLLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo-

Dear Santa, I’ve been really, really good this year and for Christmas I just don’t want anyone to hurt me, my friends, or my family. I just want everyone to be safe from harm. I’m so scared! Please give this to me for Christmas! Love, Casey

Fear is the mind killer. It isn’t going to do you any good to just sleep in bed and cry like a wuss, sucking your thumb and hoping that those sorry sacks of dog food won’t bomb you. I sure as heck can’t guarantee you that you and your loved ones will be safe. But I can guarantee you one thing, YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR COMMUNITY.

How do I do this, you ask? Well first you stop wetting your self like a little baby, get your lazy butt out of your house, and enroll your sorry self into the ARMY!!! When you become an Army man, you’ll be a lean mean fighting machine and you can be sure that if anyone even thinks of committing cowardly acts of terror, you’ll kill them. Just with your eyes. You ever heard the phrase, “If looks could kill”? Well you’ll be able to do it for real.

Not only will you gain the ability to defend your country and all your loved ones, you’ll get to do all sorts of fun stuff like marching across America nonstop on a teaspoon of water and one bread crumb, assemble and disassemble tanks while under machine gun fire and being gassed with CS (that’s tear gas son, what we use on hippies) with only a toothpick, make bombs with bellybutton lint, duct tape, and a rubber duck, jump out of burning planes with a defective parachute into a minefield, learn how to kill people in horrible and gruesome ways just by poking them, capture 50 people with a yo-yo with 3 inches of string (yawn, this part is no fun, no bombing, shooting, nothing), and, my personal favorite, learn to use the bayonet in new and interesting ways. Did you know that just by playing a Bob Seeger record with your standard issue bayonet can cause peoples’ head to explode? WELL YOU”LL LEARN ALL THIS AND MUCH MORE IN THE ARMY!

“Wow Santa!,” you’d chirp like a sissy choir boy “how do I join?” Well son, YOU ADDRESS ME COLONEL DANGGIT AND YOU ADDRESS ME AS SIR!!!! YOU ARE A MAGGOT NOW!!!! A FILTHY DISGUSTING MAGGOT!!! And Uncle Sam is gonna turn you from fly larvae into A MAN!!! For Christmas, my highly trained Elf “Cold Backs” Assault Brigade and a cadre of America’s finest will rouse you out of bed, beat the tar out of you, throw you in a burlap sack and take you to HQ. Then the real fun begins.

(Learn it boy, you’ll remember that word for the rest of your life. It’ll be seared, SEARED into your memory, and not John Fairy seared, I mean you’ll wake up having nightmares about it and scream “HOOOOAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” in your sleep. Then the whole barracks will beat you for being noisy and waking everyone up.)

Col. Santa Claus 1225th Brigade Black Operations Division: Fort Ice Death, North Pole.

Dear Santa, I’ve been very good this year. Please give me a dolly for Christmas. Love, Kathy

NO NO NO NO! You can’t say Christmas! Christmas is a holiday not celebrated by a lot of people. When somebody says “Christmas”, the person who doesn’t celebrate it will be offended. The same applies for “Kwaanza,” “Hanukkah,” “Ramadan,” etc. Offending someone is a mean act that naughty people do. You can’t use “Happy Holidays” either. People who are not happy will be offended. It would seem that the phrase “Seasons greetings” works out the best. But that’s a common misconception. Someone may not like the winter season.

For example, I worked for this man who hated winter. He’s always slipping and falling. One time, he had a really serious fall and cracked his hip. We helped the guy file lawsuit against Boston city hall for not clearing out the snow and ice sufficiently, the Massachusetts state government for not building slip proof asphalt and concrete, and the local news channel for not warning people about the possibility of slipping and falling. The attorneys for the three parties used a dirty trick, by pointing out that the guy doesn’t bother to buy slip-proof shoes and always runs at break neck speed Thank goodne- oops, almost offended someone. Let’s just say the jury knew better than to fall for such cheap shot.

Thus it is a good idea to use the phrase “Gargle, flargle.” A nice simple “Gargle, flargle.” It does not contain any religious connotation, any emotion, any possible word that could offend any possible living thing on the face of the earth. Use it and spread the word! Oh yes, you will get a nice gender neutral dolly, so as not to offend anyone.

Dear Santa, Please don’t take this holiday away from Jesus!!! It’s his birthday and he’s a really powerful and nice guy who loves us everybody! Everywhere I see, I see people trying to replace Jesus and his birthday with you!! Please give it back to him!! Love, Madeline

I am not trying to take away this most blessed event from Jesus. Yes, he is as you say, “a powerful and nice guy.” And he loves you, me, and everybody! I have absolutely no need to replace him!

And these people can’t replace him. Try as they might they will never be able to. What is that silly phrase? Happy Holidays? Well Madeline, holidays is derived from the term holy days. These are days that are used to celebrate Jesus and the Lord. Because you are supposed to use that day to celebrate, you stop everything you are doing. That’s why holidays are free. Although many other events that do not relate to Jesus and his works are used as holidays, the original meaning remains.

Seasons greetings? Can I use that in the summer? Spring? They are seasons to you know. What makes the winter season more special than any others? Hmmm…. Could it be… Why yes! The season is special because Jesus was born! That’s what makes winter special! We do not have anything else like seasons greetings because all the other seasons do not have such special events.

Try as they may, no matter what phraseology they use, they can not erase the spirit of Christmas. Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, is a holy day, which makes the rest of the season special, thus giving the winter season something special to greet people about. I wouldn’t be surprised if some silly person would come up with another greeting to avoid acknowledging Jesus entirely, something like “Gargle, flargle.”

It doesn’t matter if these silly people banned Christmas, as long as people like me and you and everyone else know the day we used to celebrate and why, we could still celebrate Jesus’ birthday. That said, I feel sorry for these mean people. It’s one thing they reject him, it’s another they are making sure that everyone else rejects him and if some people don’t these meanies will make sure that those who want to celebrate couldn’t. But I’ve got to tell you Madeline, I’d hate to be the people who messed up the Lord’s Birthday! Ho ho ho! I can’t even begin to imagine. Well, that’s between them and God.

One last thing, my child. My real name is Saint Nicholas. I am a man who was granted with miracles by God so that I may perform them and preach in Jesus’ name. I work for Jesus and I am the last person who wants to remove him from the holidays!

So enjoy this celebration! Go out and shout “Merry Christmas!” Most people will respond in kind, no matter if they celebrate it or not. They have done so for over 200 years in America and will continue to do so. Out of millions of people, you’ll find one or two who are “offended”. And they may be doing it just so they can sue people. So ignore these mean people and go ahead and shout with joy: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS US EVERYONE! HO HO HO!

Some humor and a little rant at the end. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hate to post and run but I've got a paper due. Anyhow, Merry Christmas to all FReepers. I hope all of you have a great new year. God bless you and your loved ones. And lastly, thank you all for FOUR MORE YEARS! :)

I thought you guys might like this. Happy holidays!

(The non pc salutations have already been posted on my thread, to avoid redundancy, I just sad the dreaded 'HH'.

:P hi hi hi

Gotta fly.

2 posted on 12/21/2004 10:48:45 AM PST by Killborn (Dubya Continues the Gipper's Legacy! God Bless two of Our Greatest Presidents Ever! 4 MORE YEARS !)

Eagles Up, FReeper Claus

Priceless!

3 posted on 12/21/2004 11:01:16 AM PST by Lil'freeper (Error 404. The page you requested was not found.)

Thank you. :)

My poor thread looks a little lonely though. :(

I won't be back to FR for a while. Going to a place that doesn't have internet, so if anyone wants to leave me a message, it will be a while before I respond.

Adios!

4 posted on 12/21/2004 10:22:51 PM PST by Killborn (Dubya Continues the Gipper's Legacy! God Bless two of Our Greatest Presidents Ever! 4 MORE YEARS !)

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