Posted on 12/18/2004 1:43:45 PM PST by Tumbleweed_Connection
EXTERIOR BRIDGE OVER POTOMAC RIVER - NIGHT
CLOSE SHOT - Rummy is standing by the railing, staring morosely into the water. The snow is falling hard. Feeling a tap on his shoulder, he wheels around and wrestles an old man with wings into a headlock.
OLD MAN: Ouch! Tut, tut. When will you learn that force doesn't solve everything?
RUMMY: Who the dickens are you?
OLD MAN: Clarence, Angel First Class. I've been sent down to help you.
RUMMY, squinting: You're off your nut, you old fruitcake. You can't help me. I was a matinee idol in this town, a studmuffin. Now everyone's turned on me - Trent Lott, Chuck Hagel and that dadburn McCain.
CLARENCE: No more self-pity, son. I'm going to show you what the world would have been like if you'd never been born.
Clarence, who can fly now, takes Rummy's hand and they soar over the icy Potomac to the Pentagon. Beneath the glass on the desk of the defense secretary is a list of members of Congress and their phone numbers.
RUMMY: Who put that there?
CLARENCE: Sam Nunn. He's the defense secretary. Sam consults with Congress. Never acts arrogant or misleads them. He didn't banish the generals who challenged him - he promoted 'em. And, of course, he caught Osama back in '01. He threw 100,000 troops into Afghanistan on 9/11 and sealed the borders. Our Special Forces trapped the evildoer and his top lieutenants at Tora Bora. You weren't at that cabinet meeting the day after 9/11, so nobody suggested going after Saddam. No American troops died or were maimed in Iraq. No American soldiers tortured Iraqis in Abu Ghraib. No Iraqi explosives fell into the hands of terrorists. There's no office of disinformation to twist perception abroad. We're not on the cusp of an Iraq run by Muslim clerics tied to Iran. Here's Sam. He's with the chairman of the Joint Chiefs.
GENERAL SHINSEKI: We got some good news today on the National Guard, sir. Recruiting is up 40 percent. With the money we saved killing that useless missile defense system, we up-armored all our Humvees.
RUMMY, fists and jaw clenched: Grrrrrrr...I want to see Wolfie!
CLARENCE: Sam never hired any of those wacko neocons. Wolfowitz is a woolly headed professor at the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies, and a consultant to Ariel Sharon. Richard Perle was never in charge of the Defense Policy Board, so he was unable to enrich himself through government connections, or help Ahmad Chalabi con the administration. Perle stayed an honest man, running a chain of soufflé shops. His soufflés were so fluffy he became known as the Prince of Lightness. Doug Feith never worked here, either, so he never set up the Office of Special Plans to spin tall tales about W.M.D. and Qaeda ties to Saddam. And he never bungled the occupation because there was no occupation. Without you to swoon over in a book, neocon doyenne Midge Decter became a fallen woman, like Violet.
RUMMY, dyspeptic: Holy mackerel! Take me to Dick!
CLARENCE: Dick and Lynne run a bait, tackle and baton-twirling shop in Casper, Wyo. You didn't exist, so you never gave him those jobs in the Nixon and Ford administrations, and he never ran for Congress or worked for Bush 41 or anointed himself 43's vice president. W. chose Chuck Hagel as his running mate. So without you and Dick there to dominate him, he was guided by his dad and Brent Scowcroft, who kept Condi in line. Colin Powell was never cut off at the knees and the U.N. and allies were never bullied. There was never any crazy fever about Iraq or unilateralism or "Old Europe." Here's Colin now, heading for the Oval Office.
POWELL: Merry Christmas, Mr. President. With the help of our allies around the world, we have won the war on terror. And Saddam has been overthrown. Once Hans Blix exposed the fact that Saddam had no weapons, the tyrant was a goner. No Arab dictator can afford to be humilated by a Swedish disarmament lawyer.
RUMMY: Goodness gracious, I've heard enough now. I'm going home. Unless you're going to tell me my wife is an old maid, because I wasn't around to marry her.
CLARENCE: Oh, no. Joyce lives across the street from your old house on Kalorama Road. She's happily married to the French ambassador.
"Auld Lang Syne" swells as we FADE OUT.
YES!! Bring on the pics!!!!!!!
This woman is seriously deranged ... not that there is any other kind. Maybe being dumped by Michael Douglas was the last push she needed into the abyss.
Poor Maureen. Dumped by Michael Douglas. Dumped by the crackhead producer of the West Wing. Facing a lonely 53rd birthday alone and childless. An aging harpy is not a pretty sight.
Very original Dowd. Shinseki was going to resign before 9/11 even happened. Rumsfeld wasn't responsible for firing him
Is this woman for real?! Does she really believe this stuff?
It must feel so awful to be her.
What is her obsession with Rummy? She's a sad, sad woman.
I think she's got the hots for Rummy, but he's too
much man for her.
Gee Mo, think how much better this world would have been if
Clinton had never been born, Vince and a whole slew of people would still be alive today, maybe even three thousand New Yorkers!
Dowd is mentally disturbed.
I saw her a few months back on Letterman and I kept saying to myself, "There is something wrong with this woman,she is really weird"
I thought it was just me---glad to know I'm not alone.
I think this falls in the "too cute by 12,678-and a-half" catagory.
I saw her on a show (not Lettermen) a couple of months ago or so and she had this incredibly strange, freaky, creepy way of speaking. I wouldn’t advise anyone to actually fall asleep in the same room with her.
All the Democrats who are screwed up beyond hope and repair, and who does Dowd write about? Us, of course.
I can practically hear the ice rattling in her scotch glass.
Like most libs, Maureen lives in a fantasy world.
1) It would be impossible to mobilize 100,000 to Afghanistan in one day, let alone feed and house them. But that's a "detail".
2) It's impossible to seal the border of Afghanistan with 100,000 troops. It's probably impossible to do it with any number of troops, especially in winter.
3) Capturing bin Laden will not end the war on terror. Is she daffy? Did capturing Saddam end the fighting in Iraq?
4) If there was no war in Iraq, we would not be having it so easy in Afghanistan. All the scum now pouring into Iraq would be fighting there instead. And Saddam would be helping them.
After reading that trash, all I can think of is how much less bitterness there would be in the world had Maureen Dowd never been born. (Also, think of all of the scotch bottles that would still be full today.)
Cue the Catherine Zeta Jones pics. (Preferably the post-face lift "Oceans 12" ones.)
She's a stunning dunce.
The Maureen Dowd autobiographical.
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