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Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began
some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the
summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in
winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That is how
villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as "The Conservative Movement".

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
"Liberal Movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as 'girleymen'.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans are. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.